Thanks

The second Monday of my unemployed status.  Jobs applied for.  Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend.  Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us. 

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen.  A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation.  But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen  my depression...I kept the party going.  And I'm very grateful that I did.  A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday.  And I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward. 

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me.  I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them.  There is always next year. 

Onwards to positive changes....

Waiting

I feel like I'm the always the girl waiting.....

Work

In an earlier post, I allowed my self to accept the definition of who I am to be a part of someone else's life.  But there's a very important part of me...work.  I love to work.  I'm the quintessential, Type A, workaholic.  I take a large amount of pride of going to work, doing work, doing a great job and impressing my supervisor's, coworkers and clients (if applicable.)  I can think outside the box.  I can put in as many hours as you need for me to get something accomplished. 

I love higher level thinking tasks, but use mundane things like data entry for problem solving time.

That being said, I was let go from my job yesterday for "perpetrating gossip."  Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means...or how others in my office, specifically two individuals, escaped this.  I work in an office with 9 women and one man...the man is the boss/owner.  In one week, three of us were terminated...three very different reasons.  I was the last.  An office full of women.....and there's to be no gossip???? I guess what there really shouldn't be is the back-stabbing, finger pointing, tattle telling part of the gossip that happened.  Did I engage in the act...yep, I was part of conversations that discussed other people, policies we didn't like, actions by our boss that we were concerned about.  Was I perpetrating these discussions...nope...these women came to me!  Did we all have valid concerns...absolutely.  Should we have addressed these to the boss?  Probably, but he's set himself as unapproachable with anything like this...so we conversed with each other.  Given the climate, I guess a few were more worried about their own asses and had to throw someone under the bus.  Karma's a bitch ladies!

I don't know what to do without having work to do.  I've been in and out of tears since yesterday...and as most of you know...I just don't cry.  I'm devastated.  I worked my ass off for that man.  Dozens of 50+ hour weeks.  Client calls when no one was taking them.  Working on reports when no one else but the boss was doing them.  Now, I've got nothing!  Nada. Zip. Zilch...except a dwindling bank account and a lot of free time.  Tears that no one is around to dry...and a feeling of worthlessness.  This will pass, I know it will...but damn, I'm more pissed that I have no work to do than that the stupid, fucked up reason I was let go!

For a Friend

He stands atop an emerald knoll,
Eyes to the sky, searching for an answer.

He stands atop a jade hilltop,
Eyes to the partner crests, searching for a soul.

Scouring the valleys for the one he's missing,
Eyes squinted for increased focus, searching for that comfort.

The warmth of a breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace.  Longing to feel those again, alive again.

Warmth radiates from above with the evaporation of the murky sky,
Replaced with brilliant sunlight.

He stands atop a dune, face turned up, red with heat.
Feeling the warmth of a missing breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,  
The support of an embrace...feeling the missing, knowing he's alive....and never alone.

Hola, Mi Nombre es Velma

Hi,  My name is Velma.  I'm a daughter to Julie and Mike; sister to Michael and Charlie, wife to Kip, daughter in law to Reta and Frank, mom to Aaron and Matt, niece of a dozen or more people, employee at Syncopation, friend to many, close friend to a few.  I'm a chef, dishwasher, laundress, seamstress, domestic manager, finances coordinator.  I develop best practices in my fields and work hard to keep everything running smoothly.

Hi, My name is Velma....I love to listen to music.  I listen for the message in the lyrics, the harmony between the lyrics and the music, the interpretation by others about the same song.  I love to have spirited discussions about sports, politics, ethics, advancements of technology, downward spiral of our country, the merit of zombie movies (I find no merit in zombie movies.)  I love to read....and will read most anything, just not books that make me cry.  I hate crying.  I love long walks...anywhere, but most often fantasize about walks on the beach with a long billowy skirt blowing against my ankles.  I love to hold hands and kiss.  I love to look in my lover's eyes and see myself...unaltered, unadorned....just me.

I cherish every moment with my children and family.  I love to learn from them.  I love to learn new things.  I get super excited when someone/something manages to make me change my mind about a stance.  I love in depth discussions about personal growth.  I love to be told I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, important.

I love food...sometimes a little too much.  And, if you pair the right wine with the right food...it should create an orgasm in your mouth when consumed together...I love that!  Sunsets make me sad...sunrises make me smile.  Children's laughter and old people's memories remind me that life is fragile.


I realize this blog sounds a lot like a personal ad...but it's not.  For years, I've defined myself by other people's terms....I've allowed myself to be something that is theirs.  But I think I'm finally able to start answering that question I couldn't answer a few years ago:  "Velma, what do you like? What do you want?  Who are you?"  I am everything above...the good and the bad.  They are me....

Time

There are a lot of sayings about time.  Time heals all wounds.  Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Time discovers truth.  Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.

Time, it's a funny  thing.  When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag.  Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license.  Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other?  Can time be kept in a bottle?  Does anyone really know?

I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways.  The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash!  Diaper to driver's licenses.  Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second.  I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things.  One, what a great hugger he is.  And two, I don't hug him enough.  I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.

I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade.  That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep.  Some go back years, some a few months.  I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure.  But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds.  It has healed some...that can be true.  And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that.  But I'll find a way.  I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?  I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore.  I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think.  It forces you to think about yourself...and that person.  What is missing from your life because of them being gone?  Can you live without it?  Can you not live without it?  How would your life be impacted if they were to come back?  Positively? Negatively?

I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful.  Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around.  Oops!

Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude.  Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me.  I can hug my children every day.  I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home.  I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation.  I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical)   And I can buy a new watch! 

Changes and Transitions

This picture is of my NBS (non-biological son)....it's a phrase that was coined over four years ago when our family reconnected with his.  I'm NBM2 (non-biological mom 2)...his step mother is NBM1 and my best friend.  I've known this young man since he was a baby, his father and mother since we were in our teens and his step mom for five years.  He's being sworn into the United States Navy and will be on his way to Great Lakes today for boot camp.

It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad!  It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us.  One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves.  Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way. 

I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest.  I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday.  He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer.  The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.

But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions.  Dear Reader, I am not ready for this.  I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year.  The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me.