Vacation......

My first day of vacation I found myself awake at 6:30am. My first thought was...what the hell??!?!?!? So, I shifted positions, my husband's arms around my waist, and practiced some deep breathing techniques in hopes that I would soon fall back to sleep and slumber until a more respectable vacation wake up time. 6:45am, and my mind is racing...I didn't finish reports for work, my kitchen needs to be cleaned up, the dining room "remodel" needs to be finished, I have to go to Auburn to get the new computer desk....STOP!!! I scream silently to myself. It's vacation....no worry zone!!

I close my eyes and try visualizing myself laying in the sun on a warm day. The heat radiating my face, seeping into my cells, my psyche, my soul, rejuvenating me. Muscles relaxing, mind relaxing....NOPE...7:00 am and I give in. Not able to take it anymore, I slip out of bed, get myself dressed in something more respectable than my birthday suit, and go out to the living room. My dining room is looking good with it's new coat of paint, my dining room table...now in the kitchen...is covered with various items: a monitor, cpu, keyboard, cups, salt and pepper shaker....but I make room for my laptop.

And the first thing I do is check my work email???? What is wrong with me? Well, given the volume of emails I receive in a day, it's probably good to at least check them....less catch up when I return to work. Right? Right? Ok, I am trying to convince myself. I admit it. I'm addicted to working...and I'm working on it...I really, really am. In fact, I shut down my work email. And now, I'm simply surfing the web, I forgot what that was like.

So, back to my story...I was sitting at the table, laptop powered up, cup of ice water to my right....and nothing else. I could hear every creak in the house. My niece snoring in the living room (I think she has sleep apnea.) The monitor heater occasionally turning on to heat the house. I think I even heard a mouse scampering through the walls...yes, we have mice. Please do not tell my mother. The dog was pacing upstairs, probably waiting for his boy to wake up and bring him outside.

About an hour later, movement started to become more pronounced. Matthew came downstairs. The dog started to ask to be brought out. My brother made coffee. Aaron turned on the computer in the living room. Coffee pot brewing, computer humming, people stretching, dogs whining....my house was waking up.

I've been alone in my home before, usually in the afternoons on Saturdays. Sitting at my table, iced water to my right, I enjoyed the sounds of my home waking up. That is a good way to start a vacation.

What song is in your head?

Music is the soul of life...at least that's my opinion. For every single major moment of my life, there's a song associated with it. Some are musically brilliant songs, some aren't great musically, but their message is clear. When I think about meeting my husband "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" by Glen Medeiros. Our wedding: "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. The death of my grandmother "I Will Remember You" and "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan. When I'm angry "Winter" by Vivaldi. When I need peace "Mozart's Clarinet Concerto" uh...by Mozart, I think. I could go on and on and on. Sometimes I'm not even aware that these songs have these connections for me. The song plays and I instantly go there...suspended in time for a few moments.

I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.

My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.

There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.

What song is stuck in your head?

Mid-Life Crisis or Growing Into Me?

Happy Halloween Weekend!!!!

Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?

But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!

And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.

Missed two days....sometimes life explodes around you

I was on a roll..working out, feeling good...taking control. This is my destiny and my journey and I'm the only one who can derail me.

Then, I got the call....."Velma, you need to come home and bring Dad to the hospital, he's got a hernia and he needs surgery." So....I rush home, pick up dad and drive back into Portland. I stayed at the hospital, in his room until 9pm. The doctor told me what they"suspected" was wrong and what the treatment would most likely be. But, because Dad has COPD and a whole host of health problems even the littlest surgeries become big and dangerous. I left the hospital Thursday night fully expecting to return Friday morning with him in surgery.

It's now Saturday, still no surgery. In short....they don't know what is wrong with him! I missed the gym yesterday as I spent 7 hours at the hospital anxiously waiting for results from test after test after test. We've gone from an intestinal blockage, to salmonella poisoning, to a pulled lumbar muscle, to a hernia, to a blockage and now....to who knows what....stressful to say the least.

I haven't been to the gym today either and I really don't want to go. I want quiet reflection and alone time. Perhaps I will go out and sweep the driveway...it's still exercise and good, hard exercise at that....stay tuned dear reader! This will only be a small derailment, I promise.

Day....I lost count!

OK Dear Reader, I know it's been nearly a week since my last blog. But seriously, I've been busy. OK...maybe not extremely busy, but still. Last Friday was day 10 and my half day at work. I left work and promptly went to the gym even though I didn't want to. It was tough!!! The first 10 minutes were brutal and I considered getting off the treadmill after 15 minutes. Instead, I changed the channel on the television, and got back on the treadmill and finished my 30 minute work out.

The rest of the weekend was my birthday weekend!!! Thirty seven years have gone by since I was born...funny how that seemed old when I was 10. As usual, I spent some of my time reflecting...but the best part of the weekend was the absolutely gorgeous day on Saturday, my birthday! I got to sun, swim, and lounge in the lake. I sat on the porch with loved ones, soaked up some rays and enjoyed some wine. I didn't care what I ate...all I cared is that I enjoyed my day...and I did.

Monday morning came and I couldn't wake up in the morning...so, I didn't go to the gym. BUT, I did bring my gym clothes so that I could stop in after work. Boy was that tough. I was driving home and the sleepies were creeping in. I came to my turnoff and I really, really wanted to keep going. But......I turned and grudgingly went into the gym...and did my full work out. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt....but....I felt good!!!

I got home all calmed down and spent. And I slept ok that night. So, this week, I've gone to the gym every day after work. I've concentrated on making good food choices...no matter how difficult, but I'm trying...and that's the important thing.

Last night, I finally broke down and measured myself...not a fun (or easy task) imagine this obese woman trying to wrap a measuring tape around her body and trying to read it! I really should have a web cam following my life. ;-)

Days 7-9 A Fish (Oil) Tale

Ok, so day 7 I went to the gym...day 8...I didn't...and day 9 (today) I did. Boy, do I have a story for you today, dear reader. And it's all about the effects of fish oil. I was instructed in May to start taking fish oil because of my cholesterol levels...I did take it for awhile, but there was one side effect that I just didn't care for....flatulence! Everyone knows that a lady NEVER toots. So, I stopped taking it.

Along with changing my eating habits and exercising, I decided that I would also do the things that I am supposed to do: take my vitamins, a digestive enzyme (thanks John!) and take my fish oil. Anyone who has ever taken (or is taking) fish oils knows that there are a few undesirable side effects. The only one I feel somewhat comfortable talking about is the flatulence. Over the past few days I've noticed that my backside has a mind of it's own....and at some of the most inconvenient times it tries to have a discussion with me: conference calls, team meetings, walking in the grocery store.....and lately, working out at the gym!

This morning began like any other morning....I got to the gym, stepped upon the treadmill and set it to go. About ten minutes into my walk...my butt starts trying to talk to me again. I was not alone in the women's room this morning...so imagine me walking on the treadmill, clenching my cheeks (and not the ones on my face), walking at a brisk pace. (Bright side, I bet my glutes got a good workout!) This maneuver only lasted about a minute when my butt revolted! With each step, air leaked out. All I could envision was a skit that Larry the Cable Guy did on his grandmother with her walking farts! Luckily, the fans were on and the equipment that we were using were loud. I'm not sure if there was a stench associated with the noise (in my experience the last few days, there was) and thankfully there was no one behind me!

Still, images of passed out people in workout attire (circa Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video) ran rampant through my mind. I had the biggest grin while continuing my treadmill routine. The poor older woman sharing space with me must have wondered. Or maybe, the machines and fans weren't as loud as I thought they were and she knew?

My "noisy" backside continued during my weight workout...my butt firmly pressed into the seats to avoid any notification that my body was revolting on me. Until......the last machine......the ab cruncher machine......last set of 15. The room has grown to three other people besides me. My backside seemed to have calmed down a bit. I got up, got the disinfectant, sprayed the machined and as I wiped it down...without warning......the loudest fart I have EVER made came out of my body! I swear ALL of the machines stopped, even the fans! The three older women turned, simultaneously, and looked at me. And I sheepishly said "Excuse me.....fish oil." With knowing nods, the activity in the room continued! And I laughed my proverbial ass off in the shower!!!

Bottle of Fish Oil....$9.95. Gym Membership....$29.95 Farting Loudly in an echoy room....PRICELESS!

Day 6....Not Weighing In

Today was Day 6, and last night was a very horrible night for sleeping. It was hot, muggy, and miserable. I was riddled with bad, horribly bad, dreams. I kept feeling like someone was in my room watching me. My alarm went off at 6am and I was equal parts relieved and devastated. I wanted to sleep...just sleep. But, I got up anyway. I stumbled into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready. And off I went, work bag, gym bag and lunch bag in hand.

I had the Women's room all to myself this morning. My thighs are still aching from my workout on Saturday...but I did it. I was a bit slower on my treadmill walk than I had wanted to be, but I got a good workout nonetheless. The weights didn't get easier and there are a few I'd like to burn in effigy. But alas, I've survived...it was a week ago this evening that I joined this gym and got that 260lb shock!

Out of curiosity, I stepped on that same scale today and it said that I gained almost 3 pounds!! Now, I was wearing my sneakers this morning, so I'm going to account for some of that weight being my sneakers...but moral of the story..I am NOT weighing myself again until the date circled on my calendar.

Tonight I will measure myself and track inches lost as well.