Regallily's Rants

Thanks

2011-11-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

The second Monday of my unemployed status. Jobs applied for. Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend. Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us.

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen. A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation. But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen my depression...I kept the party going. And I'm very grateful that I did. A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday. And I am thankful for each and every one of them. I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward.

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me. I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them. There is always next year.

Onwards to positive changes....

Waiting

2011-11-22T14:41:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm the always the girl waiting.....

Work

2011-11-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

In an earlier post, I allowed my self to accept the definition of who I am to be a part of someone else's life. But there's a very important part of me...work. I love to work. I'm the quintessential, Type A, workaholic. I take a large amount of pride of going to work, doing work, doing a great job and impressing my supervisor's, coworkers and clients (if applicable.) I can think outside the box. I can put in as many hours as you need for me to get something accomplished.

I love higher level thinking tasks, but use mundane things like data entry for problem solving time.

That being said, I was let go from my job yesterday for "perpetrating gossip." Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means...or how others in my office, specifically two individuals, escaped this. I work in an office with 9 women and one man...the man is the boss/owner. In one week, three of us were terminated...three very different reasons. I was the last. An office full of women.....and there's to be no gossip???? I guess what there really shouldn't be is the back-stabbing, finger pointing, tattle telling part of the gossip that happened. Did I engage in the act...yep, I was part of conversations that discussed other people, policies we didn't like, actions by our boss that we were concerned about. Was I perpetrating these discussions...nope...these women came to me! Did we all have valid concerns...absolutely. Should we have addressed these to the boss? Probably, but he's set himself as unapproachable with anything like this...so we conversed with each other. Given the climate, I guess a few were more worried about their own asses and had to throw someone under the bus. Karma's a bitch ladies!

I don't know what to do without having work to do. I've been in and out of tears since yesterday...and as most of you know...I just don't cry. I'm devastated. I worked my ass off for that man. Dozens of 50+ hour weeks. Client calls when no one was taking them. Working on reports when no one else but the boss was doing them. Now, I've got nothing! Nada. Zip. Zilch...except a dwindling bank account and a lot of free time. Tears that no one is around to dry...and a feeling of worthlessness. This will pass, I know it will...but damn, I'm more pissed that I have no work to do than that the stupid, fucked up reason I was let go!

For a Friend

2011-11-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

He stands atop an emerald knoll,
Eyes to the sky, searching for an answer.

He stands atop a jade hilltop,
Eyes to the partner crests, searching for a soul.

Scouring the valleys for the one he's missing,
Eyes squinted for increased focus, searching for that comfort.

The warmth of a breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace. Longing to feel those again, alive again.

Warmth radiates from above with the evaporation of the murky sky,
Replaced with brilliant sunlight.

He stands atop a dune, face turned up, red with heat.
Feeling the warmth of a missing breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace...feeling the missing, knowing he's alive....and never alone.

Hola, Mi Nombre es Velma

2011-10-25T13:43:00.001-04:00

Hi, My name is Velma. I'm a daughter to Julie and Mike; sister to Michael and Charlie, wife to Kip, daughter in law to Reta and Frank, mom to Aaron and Matt, niece of a dozen or more people, employee at Syncopation, friend to many, close friend to a few. I'm a chef, dishwasher, laundress, seamstress, domestic manager, finances coordinator. I develop best practices in my fields and work hard to keep everything running smoothly.

Hi, My name is Velma....I love to listen to music. I listen for the message in the lyrics, the harmony between the lyrics and the music, the interpretation by others about the same song. I love to have spirited discussions about sports, politics, ethics, advancements of technology, downward spiral of our country, the merit of zombie movies (I find no merit in zombie movies.) I love to read....and will read most anything, just not books that make me cry. I hate crying. I love long walks...anywhere, but most often fantasize about walks on the beach with a long billowy skirt blowing against my ankles. I love to hold hands and kiss. I love to look in my lover's eyes and see myself...unaltered, unadorned....just me.

I cherish every moment with my children and family. I love to learn from them. I love to learn new things. I get super excited when someone/something manages to make me change my mind about a stance. I love in depth discussions about personal growth. I love to be told I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, important.

I love food...sometimes a little too much. And, if you pair the right wine with the right food...it should create an orgasm in your mouth when consumed together...I love that! Sunsets make me sad...sunrises make me smile. Children's laughter and old people's memories remind me that life is fragile.

I realize this blog sounds a lot like a personal ad...but it's not. For years, I've defined myself by other people's terms....I've allowed myself to be something that is theirs. But I think I'm finally able to start answering that question I couldn't answer a few years ago: "Velma, what do you like? What do you want? Who are you?" I am everything above...the good and the bad. They are me....

Time

2011-08-31T18:42:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of sayings about time. Time heals all wounds. Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Time discovers truth. Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.

Time, it's a funny thing. When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag. Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license. Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway? Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other? Can time be kept in a bottle? Does anyone really know?

I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways. The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash! Diaper to driver's licenses. Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second. I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things. One, what a great hugger he is. And two, I don't hug him enough. I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.

I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade. That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep. Some go back years, some a few months. I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure. But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds. It has healed some...that can be true. And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that. But I'll find a way. I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore. I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think. It forces you to think about yourself...and that person. What is missing from your life because of them being gone? Can you live without it? Can you not live without it? How would your life be impacted if they were to come back? Positively? Negatively?

I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful. Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around. Oops!

Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude. Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me. I can hug my children every day. I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home. I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation. I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical) And I can buy a new watch!

Changes and Transitions

2011-08-09T10:25:00.000-04:00

This picture is of my NBS (non-biological son)....it's a phrase that was coined over four years ago when our family reconnected with his. I'm NBM2 (non-biological mom 2)...his step mother is NBM1 and my best friend. I've known this young man since he was a baby, his father and mother since we were in our teens and his step mom for five years. He's being sworn into the United States Navy and will be on his way to Great Lakes today for boot camp.

It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad! It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us. One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves. Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way.

I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest. I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday. He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer. The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.

But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions. Dear Reader, I am not ready for this. I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year. The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me.

People Can Change

2011-07-07T17:06:00.000-04:00

I guess my theme this year has been the trials and tribulations of relationships. This is any relationship: friendship, marriage, family, working. I've taken a lot of stock in things. In how my behavior in regards to some of those I interact with. In how I've allowed certain treatment to continue, even though detrimental to me. No one is similar enough that there is never conflict. And, I believe conflict in a relationship can create a stronger bond...it's certainly true for my marriage and for the relationship I have with the two women closest to me. It took a lot of work....A LOT OF WORK

I'm the kind of person who will work my hardest to find resolutions to conflicts that I have with people. In the beginning, I don't really look at where I might have acted/reacted different...I think that's human nature. We're wounded, our pride has been damaged, our minds are trying to process the events. It's all about YOU and what YOU did in the beginning. But I also believe through honest, open communication...you can get past this...you can get past the conflict and find a resolution and move forward. I've done with the woman I call my sister...now, we're not related at all....but I share EVERYTHING with her. It hasn't always been this way...we come from very, very different familial backgrounds...her view of my world is different and vise versa. We needed to work through some pretty weighty conflicts to get to a place where we can say "OK...this is a boundary item...I don't view this the way that you do...but I respect that you have good reasons for why you see it this way." We've also learned alot about taking responsibility for where we've fucked up....and we both have.

Sometimes, a conflict is deadly...you can't come back from it. I believe I have a few friendships this year that have taken that road. And sometimes what you need is someone new....or someone old who is new again...to show you that you are worthy of a better, healthier, more productive relationship. Sometimes someone you once wrote off will show you that people can change.

That gives me hope...hope that I'm changing in my interactions with others. Hope that maybe, someday, a few of the relationships I have had to step away from this year...can be repaired and stronger for the conflict.

Hello Old Friend

2011-06-29T16:00:00.002-04:00

After nearly a year away, I took a "stroll" along the one of the trails on Pineland Campus today. I had stopped in mid-August during the oppressive heat. When I originally started the Oak Hill Trail (I don't think I do the full 2.8k as it only takes me 47 minutes) it took me a whopping 58 minutes. My goal last summer was to get this under 40 minutes...and then I would start to job portions of it....slowly working on that until I was running the whole trail.

Then the oppressive heat began. I'd work until about 1pm and then decide to go for my walk...only to be waylaid by the tree in front of our office (see a post from last summer about my tree.) I'd lounge under that tree during my lunch break pondering my life and how I was doing in my life. Always intent on going back to my walk in the woods, I had planned to begin walking the trail again in September. Then the unimaginable happened...I broke my foot! Recovery has been slow...I attempted the trail about a month ago only to have my ankle bother me on the uneven ground almost immediately. Then yesterday, I went to walk around the parking lots and buildings here and decided that what I really wanted was my trail back!

Today was the day! I filled my water bottle, took a quick stop in the ladies room and made my way out! Determination setting my mood...I WAS going to do this today! It's a little about the exercise and a lot about my piece of mind. While walking and listening to my play list...I process....I think about the things in my life...what's going well, what's not. Anything decisions I'm conflicted about get worked out here...I've missed this psychologically therapeutic exercise. I've needed it. Songs that have meaning to me can help bring clearer focus to something I'm conflicted about. New people in my life can make an "old" song come alive. People who are not longer apart of my life (whether by death, moving, or ending of friendships) come to mind as I hear songs that remind me of them. I relieve good memories...good memories that can help with closure and help remove the bitterness of hurt feelings.

So, Hello old friend! Same goal as last year...I think we're off to a good start as I finished in 47 minutes. Only...can we do without the broken foot next year?

Thanks for taking time out of your busy, hectic lives to read a little bit into mine. I'm always grateful for the feedback from you Dear Reader.

Conflict Resolutions

2011-06-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, no matter how you try, conflict resolution just isn't possible. We all enter conflicts believing WE are right and WE have all the facts....but the old adage says there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. We bring into our conflicts our own emotional baggage and preconceived notions. And unless we have a true understanding of what our emotional baggage is...we'll never see our part in the conflict.

I'm certainly not saying I don't have emotional baggage...my goodness...I think mine might sink the Titanic. But I'm very aware of my emotional baggage. I'm aware of my constant feeling of being left out, not being a part of the group. Isn't this a major step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? The need to belong? I'm also over analytical to a fault....perhaps some of my blog helps illustrate that point. I'm also a very, very serious person. I simply don't know how to loosen up....it comes with carrying all that baggage. And there is so much, much more...but I digress.

Because we go into conflict ready to battle, ready to change another person's mind...we tend to forget that maybe our mind needs to be changed...sometimes....there just is no middle ground. Each side has viable facts, viable feelings, viable concerns. It's in the mature relationships that each party can accept proper responsibility for their actions and promise to take care that it doesn't happen again. When that can't happen...sometimes, the relationship is irrevocably broken. Friendship destroyed, never to be regained. Sometimes it's easier to swim with the current than to fight against it...against what will never change.

Unfortunately, I think that's happened in my life very recently...when you remove all evidence that someone existed in your life (or when you realize someone has removed evidence of your existence)...it's a sad moment...sad for everyone involved. No pictures, no emails, no cell phone numbers, no gifts, no facebook, nothing. Sometimes that is the only way you can move on and begin to work on improving yourself.

Dear Reader, you've been following me through some interesting times in the last few years. I am for ever grateful that you allow me into to your world for even just a little bit...this is my therapy.

Dedication

2011-05-26T19:38:00.003-04:00

Music plays a large role in my life...it always has and always will. Every song has a meaning. Every rhythm speaks to your psyche. I love to share my passion for music with others. I love for them to hear what I'm hearing...to feel what I'm feeling...to experience something together. Joy, laughter, hurt, sorrow, anger, love.....it's part of what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. Feelings and sharing.....a combination that makes our world seem a little closer.

As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day. It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling. Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal. If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album. Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen. Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.

I hope you can hear what I hear. I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message. I hope you see that this is a healing album for me. I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect. That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life. I see some things so much more clearly. I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me. I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.

Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.

Cosmic Meanderings

2011-05-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader. Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better. I have had so many downs...and so few ups. I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments. As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why??? Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???

I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth. I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything. I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I am innately good. But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble. They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!! EVER!!!! Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality. They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.

I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that. Or rather, I used to feel that way. I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility. (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't want to think the world revolves around me. I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises. I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love.

It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly. It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly. Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles.

You love deeply, dear reader! Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply. When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you. You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled. Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.

A Letter to My Brothers

2011-04-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

Dear M and C,

I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you're struggling through another custody battle (M) and learning to live for a small wage, low hours at minimum wage while living far away from home (C). I wanted to let you know that things are going "OK" here in New England.

Dad is as grumpy as ever. His COPD and emphysemaa make any kind of activity difficult for him. At 59 years of age, it's really hard to adjust to doing nothing...all of the time. Every small twinge of pain becomes life threatening. Waking up with stiff joints means you're dying. A long night without sleep...obviously a brain tumor. No one hears you beep your horn in the driveway...yet another source of aggravation. Two, unobstructed, hernias mean that every abdominal pain means you've suddenly got an obstruction and need immediate medical attention.

I've been woken up numerous times in the last few months to hearing our father "writhing" in pain only to find out it's gas from the beer he's had to drink that day. Or maybe it's just that he actually passed out and laid in one position for far too long and his muscles are protesting. A stomach flu, that had been going around, resulted in an 11 hour emergency room trip that ended with me suffering from exhaustion and dehydration...all while my family slept/went to school/worked/nearly homeless in Lewiston/working in Virginia. But hey, I'm the oldest right? It's my job to take care of these things.......right?

Mom is in the hospital again. It seems the latest string of therapists believe she's been denying her abuses from long ago long enough and it's time to deal with them. Suicidal thoughts abound...people afraid she'll harm herself...and a 72 hour psych hold in Rhode Island....three hours away from me, her nearest....RESPONSIBLE...relative. Nancy has been awesome during all of this. As usual, I trust her judgement implicitly. I just wish I could be down there giving our mother the care and attention she deserves. Being sexually abused your entire childhood takes a horrible, horrible toll on a person. I long to envelope our mother in my arms and let her know that SHE IS SAFE! No one shall harm her while I'm on the watch. Alas, I'm in the middle of my own familial drama.

I quickly found a place for my family, and our father, to move since the landlady needs her house back. Moving day is this weekend. I've been packing and throwing and purging and reliving portions of my life that are happy, sad and difficult for a month now. I remembered the day I got married, when I came across my bouquet. C...you spent the night before with Kip because we knew YOU could remember how to get to the house where the ceremony was. M...you cried because you thought you were losing your sister.

I don't think I ever was your sister. I think I was the person who stepped in when Mom just couldn't anymore. I took the calls in the middle of the night, from the police department because you were stupid! I made sure you got up for the bus in the morning. I cooked, I cleaned, I circumvented. I gave up soooo much to help Dad (and Mom) try to maintain some sort of semblance of a family life...to help you two feel that you were a part of a family. And what did I do that for?

I love you both...but you only talk to me when you want something...neither one of you are really there when I need you....like now...neither one of you take an active role in our parent's care. In some ways, I think I was an actually an only child. As I sit here at my dining room table, on the last Friday night I will spend in a place I've called home for nearly four years...I really wonder...do I have brothers? Are we a cohesive unit? I mean, C isn't talking to me because I didn't remember his birthday (I remembered, I choose not to acknowledge) and only contacts me when he wants money...and M only looks for me when he has laundry to do and is broke 3 days after getting paid. I've given a lot of my life to you...to worrying about you...to caring for you...to making you more important than my husband and children......and yet, I still sit here caring for OUR parents alone.

I feel lonely. Kip is an only child and he feels less lonely than I do...the oldest of three. That ought to say something to me....to me. I will continue to care for OUR parents...because someone has to. Dad's been living with me for 7 years...he's verbally abused my children, suspected physical abuse of my dog...and has told people that I do nothing for him. Mom sits in a psych ward sounding drugged to the hilt and really needs something I cannot give her at the moment....and the two people in my life I should be able to count on for help at THIS moment in time are MIA.....I'm not exactly sure what I did to draw this straw...but I promise, as I struggle through dealing with it all, I will find a way to make this a positive for me.

Love your sister,
Velma

Knowing When to Let Go and Having the Strength

2011-01-27T10:23:00.001-05:00

Letting go...is never easy. It could be finally accepting the death of a loved one and letting the pain go, allowing a child grow and move on to adulthood, saying good bye to someone you love who isn't there for you anymore or letting go of a friendship that just isn't good for you. Whatever it is...there are steps everyone must go through to get a place of acceptance and peace. It takes courage, strength and the right frame of mind.

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take a good look at the relationships I have with others. I've spent a lot of time the last few weeks really analyzing my interactions with other people, trying to understand my role in the relationships....my strengths, my weaknesses, my important contributions. Self reflection is never a bad thing, but I tend to let mine paralyze me. I tend to see things through extremely critical eyes (especially myself)...and I've learned that I will almost always take the blame to stop an argument. Or maybe I take the blame because no matter how toxic the relationship is...I can't stand to let it go and move forward. This is probably partly because I'm a Leo and loyal to the end...no matter who that loyalty is focused on.

So, over the last 4-5 weeks I've been doing an inventory of sorts...I know it's a cold sounding term, but I really took stock in those closest to me. Why am I close with them? Do they make me feel good about myself? Do they not? Do I contribute in a positive or negative manner in their lives? Do they contribute positively or negatively in mine? Am I friends with them because they are a connection to someone else? Is this a relationship that is worthy of a no-holds barred connection? Can I be honest with them? Can I accept honesty from them? Are they really more of an acquaintance and not the close friend I keep wanting them to be?

Added to this, and as I've maybe noted in previous posts, I have spent my entire life putting other people and their feelings ahead of mine. It's detrimental to my psyche and I'm starting to see this. Everyone is egocentric to a point, and we should be. Our world should revolve, to some degree, around us. It's all well and good to ensure the safety, sanity and well being of others...but not at the cost of ignoring your own. This has been my life lesson the last year or so...and I'm ready to take that lesson and apply it to my life.

As a result, I've redefined the relationships that I have with some people. I've either stepped back or let go of the toxic relationships that I allowed to cause me harm. Note, I said "I allowed to cause me harm." You see, I'm adult and enlightened enough to be able to take responsibility for my actions. I let people take me for granted. I let people continue to walk all over me. I let people forget that I have valid feelings that need resolution. I place myself in these situations and then struggle to "fix them." You can't fix what is unfix-able...you can only fix you.

I have finally figured out it's time to "let go" (or redefine) of some relationships. And I believe I have the strength to make these changes. Some people aren't (or won't be) happy with me...or the changes they see in me. But the important thing here is that I'm finally placing importance on myself and doing good by me. I now have to find the strength to accept this about myself and enforce myself to follow it.

Even and Odd

2010-12-31T09:03:00.001-05:00

In and Out. Left and Right. Forward and Backward. Light and Dark. On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post. I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm. A lot of humbug kind of stuff. Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them.

That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy. I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm. But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster. I've fallen into and out of relationships. I've lost incredible family members, including my god father. I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job. I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled. I've felt valued and dismissed. And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.

I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche. Over the last 15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt. This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year. I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable. What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life? What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?

Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world. I don't know how to find my way. I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years. Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.

Happy New Year Dear Reader! My glass is raised to each and every one of you. May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!

2010-12-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and there was a light blanket of snow on the cars, the grass, the trees. While being cold is my least favorite thing....the blanket of snow against the darker colors fills me with calmness. And believe me...calmness is something that is hard for me to find.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband. And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane.

You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life. I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces. I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"? As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find. I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances. All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life.

So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't? Irony at it's best, dear reader. So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.

Memories

2010-11-04T16:31:00.000-04:00

This past Tuesday, November 2nd, my grandmother would have been 80 years old. She died in March of 2001 and that moment paralyzed me. Any walls that I had up before got bigger, stronger. I could never have imagined the pain that I felt. Heart aching, gut wrenching. I never thought I'd survive. The four to six months after her death were a blur....I hardly ate. I did homework I volunteered at Head Start. But nothing felt the same. Nothing sounded the same. Nothing tasted the same. I couldn't imagine a world without her in it. I couldn't imagine living in a world without her in it.

They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie. My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago. Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me. She's gone, she's not coming back. I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated. Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok. Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo. But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more.

Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life. I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it. There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it. I live in it. In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma. She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt. Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away.

What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt. It means that I loved. It means that I felt. It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others. So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.

Not Again!

2010-09-21T09:53:00.002-04:00

Take a close look at the picture on the left....that is my life for the next few weeks....and it's not the first time I've had to wear this. Two Novembers ago, I had surgery on my right foot to reattach my ligament to my ankle. I wore the boot that time for nearly two months. It was horrible. It holds the heat in and overheats my body. It's bulky, and hard to maneuver. And let's not even mention the fact that I couldn't drive for months!

So, why the boot? Why the issues with the ligament? It is a long story that goes back to 1988. The first day of my junior year in high school...I actually fell going up the bleachers for Junior Assembly. Severe sprain that resulted in crutches for two weeks and an air cast for months. June 1993, walking back to my car, on Whiting Naval Air Station, I twisted my ankle on the curb...yet another severe sprain and crutches for a bit...while we were moving no less. January 2006...I actually went nearly 13 years without an injury....I was walking down the stairs in the dark in the middle of the night and stepped on the damn cat sleeping. Severe sprain...crutches for a few weeks...and missed follow up with an orthopedic. A few years later, I began exercising and my foot really starting hurting me. Result...unattached ligament from all of the trauma. Surgery and boot.

The great thing about that is I kept the crutches and the boot. The Sunday before Labor Day we were at the Annual Corn Roast (a family/friend reunion that a friend's family puts together) and my friend asked me to help her get the watermelons out of the cellar. Being a good friend, I say sure...why not. Carrying the large, spiked watermelon in front of me, I cannot watch where my feet are going on each step. So, I couldn't see that there was a much larger lip on the doorway to the outside than I anticipated.....and over I went. I felt and heard my bone crack and just let myself fall because I knew if I fought, I would make it worse. Thankfully...2/3 of the Minot Volunteer Fire Department were there to help me. One in particular took care of my foot...secured it...took down my demographics...talked me through muscle spasms. I also had some very awesome friends around me...old and new! One allowed me to muckle onto her leg with my nails and squeeze to help keep my foot relaxed during muscle spasms. One took pictures that I am still waiting to see on facebook. And one called 911......Now THIS is the funny part of the story.

While she was on the phone with 911, she being the one I helped with the watermelons, her back was to me and I didn't realize she was on the phone...I said...really loudly and jokingly...That is the last time I help you with watermelon Bitch! The dispatcher, instead of confirming that it was an actual threat, flagged the call as a domestic disturbance....thereby barring the paramedics from coming into the yard to get me until state police could get on the scene and secure it. Now my friend calling 911...her husband is also on the Minot FD and heard the domestic disturbance chatter on the radio and promptly fixed the issue. So, a ride to the hospital, a few hours in the ER and xrays later...and here I sit...broken foot and walking cast on.

When I do something, dear reader, I do it big!

My Lunchtime Companion

2010-09-03T15:44:00.001-04:00

For the last week, I've declined to go on my daily walk...the hot, humid weather is just not agreeing with me. I'm a summer baby...and I LOVE the summer....but this year, it was just too much...too much 90+ days and too much damn humidity. I found myself retreating to my air conditioned room shortly after coming home from work. Or going to bed early as my excuse to be in there. I even stopped going swimming...the short walk to the water access was just too much between the heat, humidity and dust kick up from passing cars....it was safer and more pleasant to stay home.

So, for the last week, I've spent my time laying on my back staring up into the leaves of this tree. Each day there's been a warm breeze and each day I either come close to dozing off...or dozing off until someone sends me a message on my blackberry. It's been a comforting sound and a comforting experience. I'm able to go back to my office refreshed and rejuvenated. It's kind of been a centering experience for me...I'm finding my "ooo saaa" as I like to call it. (From "Bad Boys")

Sadly, the leaves are already starting to change on the tree...at the very top. My days of sitting underneath it and listening to it's lullaby will soon be over...but not before it turns a brilliant yellow.

The Moment

2010-08-18T12:09:00.001-04:00

There's always a moment in your life when you know things will never be the same....and for some of us...we identify that moment just before it happens or as it's happening. It could be that look from your lover when you know that they more than just like you. Or it could be the goosebumps on your skin when you know something bad is about to happen and change your life forever. It could be the long awaited moment when you know your child is about to take their first unassisted steps....you just know!

It could be the moment when you know your life is about to come crashing down around you. Shattered into a million pieces, making you wonder if you can recover, recoup, revive. These moments help define us...it's not the moment itself, but how we deal with it. What are the steps to recovery, recoup and revival? How do you face it?

Do you reflect and self-analyze and wonder what YOU could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome? Do you deflect and lay the blame on one person alone, believing you are the only one wronged? hurting? made the right moves? Do you listen with open ears, open mind and open heart and try to understand what's going on in the minds of those involved? Do you shut yourself down, close yourself off, suffering in your isolation and not realizing that people are human, people make mistakes, and people learn from them?

Me...I self-analyze. In fact, as my friends will attest to, I over analyze. I wonder what I did to perpetuate the situation. What could I have done to make it different? How did that other person(people) feel? What were they thinking at the "moment"?

The gut-wrenching, life ending hurt eventually dissipates and you move on...you have to.

How do you want to be defined during "the moment"?

Moving Forwards by Moving Backwards?

2010-07-25T08:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was "going backwards" day for me. I spent the day with people who I haven't seen in twenty years or more. The first part of the day was spent at the surprise 40th Birthday Party for someone who graduated two years before me...but left a huge impression on my life during my high school years. To help her enter into this new decade of life were other high school friends. I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed these people. The last part of the day was spent at my 20th Reunion.

I usually dread going to these things...even though I "helped" with setting it up. I didn't always feel like I fit into any group/clique at school...perhaps I did that to myself more than anything...but everyone seemed so set and I always felt like I had to try so hard to be part of the conversations, planning, just plain being liked. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in (see an older post.) But at the same time, I also felt like I had this huge secret to hide. My mother was suicidal and often in the psych wards across the state. I was helping my father raise my brother's....who were so far from angels. And I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. A few people really close to me did, but for the most part...I think everyone might have just thought I was the standoffish girl who couldn't afford to go to Tabers, Roys, the Mall....so why bother asking. And from my point of view....I perhaps just tried too damn hard to fit in. I should have just stayed true to myself instead of trying to encompass the personalities and likes of those around me. I should have not been ashamed of my life....after all, it made me who I am today....and I'm kinda liking me, for the most part.

One of the things I found most interesting last night was the comments on my facebook posts and my blogs. At first I wasn't sure how to take them....some of my facebook posts are done at really bad times and someone should really take my phone away...some of them I honestly post to make people scratch their heads and see if they are paying attention. As for my blog...this space is for me...this is my therapy. I share it because, selfishly, I'm hoping that some thing in here helps someone....maybe gives that teenage gir,l in a seemingly impossible situation, some insight and respite. But one of the things I realized in the last 36 hours is that sometimes to move forward, you have to move backwards. You have to revisit the past, find those people that made you feel good and relive it...get a good firm grasp of who you were in order to become who you will be.

Paths

2010-07-22T06:46:00.000-04:00

Everyday at work, I've been trying to go for a walk on Oak Hill Trail. The trail is beginner level, has a few hills and a winding path. Within the first ten minutes of the trail, I always come across this wood shed. The first time I walked it, I was with a friend and it prompted a conversation about mass murderers and people in scary movies who ALWAYS go to the shed...I mean really...not a smart idea. Don't they know what happens when you do that? It never ends well...Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers might be in there....just biding their time until some poor, unsuspecting schmuck comes along.

My friend tells me, every time I walk, to go to the shed and look in. He's tried telling me that there are unicorns and butterflies in there. And each time I say "Um, no." But yesterday as I walked I got to thinking....what an awesome metaphor this is for me!

I've always followed "the path." Not sure who decided the path that I'm on...but I've always followed it. I'm not sure if it's fear or a sense of "right" that keeps me on this path. It's not a path that I'm completely happy with. I stifle a lot of stuff until it comes bubbling to the surface and causes shock waves all around me. I get frustrated at holding myself back from being....me. So, maybe it's time to take that leap of faith and look in the shed? Perhaps, I will find "me" locked up in there waiting to be released.......

Swimming

2010-07-09T16:25:00.005-04:00

Anyone who really knows me knows that the one thing I love most about summer is the water. Lake water, ocean water...it doesn't matter as long as it can be used to immerse my body in, I love it. I've been swimming for as long as I can remember. In fact, I don't ever remember NOT swimming over my head. I love the way the water feels on my skin. I love how I feel refreshed after taking a dip. I love to lounge on a float in the water for hours at a time.

I think part of the reason water is so important to me is that it was the one activity that my family did that seemed normal to me. There was no yelling, no hitting, no control issues, no struggles...we were a family at the beach or pond or in their pool. Most of the time we got along. My brothers and I buried each other in sand, made forts, played catch. It was, much like music was, a respite for me. I could leave the suicidal mom, the angry dad, the delinquent brothers, and the feelings of inadequacies and leave them behind for that short moment in time.

Water is a part of me. It's a part of who I am. It's one of the activities that I love the most...being in the water. To understand and to accept me, you really have to understand that it's something I really love. Take it away from me...and it's like taking music out of my life. I need it. I want it. I couldn't exist in a world where being in the water wasn't allowed.

I guess the point is that we all have some hard limits in our lives. I like my summer activities to surround water. It's why we live in the house we live in. I spend too many months staring longingly at the lake yearning for swimming season. I have a few short months to enjoy it. So, if you're trying to reach me....and I'm not around....look in the lake.

Philosophy through Media

2010-04-08T11:25:00.002-04:00

Does life imitate art or does art help define life?

Every so often I find a work of art (usually a movie) that, to me, has a hidden meaning to it. For instance in "Elizabethtown" the Kirsten Dunst character, Claire, is what I envision what I might have become had my life experiences been a little different. If I wasn't forced to be a "responsible adult" at the ripe old age of 12, perhaps I would have been that quirky character looking to the bright side of everything. I would help the people in my life move through their experiences in a positive way. In "Stranger than Fiction", Harold Crick does the same thing every day until he begins to hear a narrator telling his story about his ultimate demise. Life can become very repetitive...we get up, we work, we go home, we go to sleep...and we do it all again the next day. Never taking chances, never breaking our comfort zone...until one day, something happens to "wake us up."

Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" and "I Will Remember You" never fail to reduce me to tears as it reminds me of my grandmother's passing. "Wind Beneath My Wings" and the movie "Beaches" will forever be associated with my best friend Stacy. "What the Bleep Do We Know" will be the starting point of my journey into self-awareness and my affect on who/what I am and where I go.

Is there underlying deep meaning in each and every work of art or is it purely subjective and it depends on what you are looking for....I'd like to think all of the answers are out there....you just have to open yourself up to finding them.

Tests

2010-03-18T09:42:00.002-04:00

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Right???? I guess maybe I'm being tested right now. My Uncle Dave just passed away yesterday. My mother got admitted to a hospital 3 hours a way last night and my dad isn't feeling well. All three events in three different directions and my mind is a jumbled mess.

So, my plan is to travel 3 hours to Rhode Island to be there for my mom while she undergoes testing for her chest pains. My brother Charlie is going to take the charge of Dad. And maybe, we'll make it to Connecticut to be with our family as we say goodbye to another family member.

I'm tired of emotions...I've been emotional for weeks now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I thought being the "strong one in the family" meant that I wouldn't have to deal with these emotions...why do I feel the burden of the family on my shoulders? Who elected me? And why wasn't I part of that democratic process??? I would just let some of it go for a bit and not worry about any of it....I don't expect that will happen anytime soon.....

Life is a series of tests...you don't have to pass or fail...it's your performance during the tests that identifies who you are.

Happy Pi Day

2010-03-14T20:45:00.003-04:00

To all of my geek friends, Happy Pi Day! Until nine years ago, today was a fun day for me. Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to it's diameter. In schools across the nation...Pi Day is celebrated...I kinda miss Pi day. Then again, I am the woman who did long division as a "focal point" during contractions for her oldest son....I never, ever said I was normal.

In 2001, Pi Day took on new meaning for me...it became the day my world was irrevocably torn apart. Nothing's been the same since...a lot of good things have occurred...and not some not so good...but on this day nine years ago, I lost someone very, very dear to me...my grandmother Nancy Lee Cox Wells passed away at the young age of 70. She had survived heart surgery and lived with lung disease for many, many years. She'd had her hip and ankle broken...but when she died, she was full of life....errr, well you know what I mean. Her disease didn't beat her down...she wasn't on a breathing machine constantly (except for her oxygen) and she wasn't stuck in a bed unable to move. My dad, her ex-son in law, has the same diagnosis. He's 58 and I'd say at 58 he's in a lot worse shape than she was at 70.

I guess that is something to be thankful for. Grandma was a do-er...never one to sit still. The summer before she had spent over a month at my house...sometimes walking to Bingo Halls while Kip and I visited with his parents...never telling us that was her plan. It was the first time she'd come up and had money to spend....she kept winning at Bingo. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her...and I think she developed a secret crush on my neighbor Ray....who died the same day we moved back to Maine after 5 years in Connecticut.

She was, in many ways, my rock. I could call her for ANYTHING. I could discuss ANYTHING with her. She loved her kids, their spouses, their ex's, her grandchildren, their spouses and ex's...and her great grandchildren more than anything. It is from her that I learned what unconditional love really is...and what it means to give someone your unconditional love. She judged no one. She talked to anyone. And she loved every single member of her family, no matter what bad things they may have done.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and will be devastated when their time comes too. Losing Grandma has been the biggest struggle of my life and this year seems to be the worst since the first 4-5. But there is progress....usually I remember this day with a drink....or ten...this year, I simply had a margarita with my lunch. Perhaps this growing up stuff isn't so bad.

Happy Pi Day Everyone! Happy Remembrance Day to the Well's family.

Sunlight Through The Window

2010-03-06T13:30:00.002-05:00

It's been a bit since my last post....mostly because I had my internet shut off to save some money. I mean, I have a blackberry so any online stuff that "NEEDS" to be done can be done on that. The boys can use the internet at school and the library...and even though I left a horrible work environment, I took a $750/month hit in my finances...OUCH!!! My brother, who's living with us, got the internet hooked up in his name this week. I didn't realize how much I missed the internet...thanks Bob Chuck!!! (His nickname is a story for another time.)

I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. Recently my Aunt Grace passed away. She had Alzheimer's and was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I was unable to see her before her passing and I was unable to get to Connecticut for her funeral. But, I believe this was the catalyst for my "hard time." Aunt Grace and my grandmother were nearly the same age...only Grandma passed away nine years ago on 3/14. Her death was a HUGE loss for me...at times insurmountable. Then I got news that my Uncle Dave was given two months left to live because of his cancer. Does it ever end? And still, I can't get to CT to visit with my family before they pass. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.

Earlier this week, I had some pretty horrible words with my youngest son. I love Matthew more than anything in the world. His positive attitude and need to make people laugh inspire me. He's more intelligent than he gives himself credit for (and more than testing can show) and I believe he can become a successful adult...but he's also my biggest challenge. I said some things that I really shouldn't have said to him. Later, I went to apologize to him and he was on the phone with my mother. That one simple act caught me completely off guard. I mean, I know he calls her when he's upset and I'm extremely grateful that he has her for that. It's exactly what I used to do with my grandmother....for so long, she was my rock. I got through my younger years because of three distinct people: Mr. Neal, Kip and Grandma. Without them...I don't want to think about where I would be right now.

As I apologized to him and went downstairs to put myself in a time out...I couldn't stop thinking about WHY him being on the phone with my mom bothered me so much. It's a special relationship and is probably going to be something that helps him leave my home sane....and then it dawned on me...as I struggle to raise him and deal with his teenage issues, the one and only person I want to talk to in my grandmother. I want to call her and tell her how much of an ass he's being, how he doesn't respect me and most importantly, how I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to hear her voice telling me that I'm being silly. I want to feel the warmth of her love for me over the phone and her embrace through what she's saying. I desperately miss that. I didn't realize how much until recently. I thought I had dealt with her passing, but it's become apparent to me that I've been in denial for many years...and perhaps that is my way of keeping her alive.

And because I have no "good" way of ending this post, I will end it here...sitting on my couch with the sunlight coming through my window and heating the back of my neck.

Reflections

2010-01-22T20:48:00.003-05:00

January 22, 2009 to January 22, 2010

A lot can happen in a year. Last year at this time I was unemployed, sitting at home, going stir crazy begging anyone for a job. This year, I've got a new job (second one in the last year), I've grown a lot and learned alot about myself and about relationships. So, let's reflect on the last year.

Career: Well I was introduced to the DR (Direct Response) industry. I saw an ad for a US Hispanic Call Center looking for a Client Services Account Manager, Spanish is not necessary. So, I applied...figured it was a long shot. Two interviews later, I was at least intrigued and at most happy to have more than $300/week coming into our bank accounts. Little did I know that my eyes would be opened to a wonderful opportunity and to an industry that I knew I wanted to make my career. The company (if you've read an earlier post) didn't turn out to be the best company to work for...I can't recall that I've worked for a worse manager in my life. After my last post, called "Humiliation," I had another turn in with the said manager and spent another 45 minutes being berated. I never went back. I couldn't stomach it. I knew that I was putting my family into a dire financial situation....but Kip and I both agreed that the stress from working there wasn't worth it anymore. Three weeks later, I scored a job as a media buyer for a local media company. I'm buying 30 minute radio spots for two specific campaigns. I miss campaign management, but this is definitely an opportunity to use what I've learned to affect a different aspect of DR. Viva la media buying!

Friends: Well, we built a good relationship with another couple, only to have it crumble a week or so ago. In reality, that crumble started as a crack sometime around Thanksgiving. While the blame resides with all four participants...it soon became clear to me that one of us was allowed to express her full gamut of emotions and everyone else must suck it up and deal with it...and not EVER express themselves fully. And no, it wasn't me. The ending of this friendship happened this week...and today Kip and I were told that we were not lepers but just not friend material...whatever the hell that means. All I know is that I feel less stress now that I'm not worrying so much about reactions.

I've repaired a friendship that at times could have gone south. This woman has truly become my best friend. Not only can I tell her anything...but she's got my back when I need my back gotten...But she'll also let me fall on my face when I need to. After I've fallen on my face, she'll help pick me up and tell me why. We've, admittedly, had our issues...but we work on them and I have to say it's one of the most adult friendships that I've ever had and I love her dearly.

Kip and I have begun a new friendship with this amazing couple. They are slightly older than us, but seemed to have followed the same life path. High school sweethearts, children at a young age and totally and extremely connected. As far as an adult-couple friendship, I can see this one going far and wide. We all have fun together...laughing so much that our sides split and our cheeks ache the next morning. We've discussed vacationing together...our children have met and it just seems like a perfect fit. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Children: Well, both boys are teenagers now. Matthew has had several girlfriends and Aaron is with his first. Odd with Aaron being the oldest. Both boys are doing great...Matthew is growing up in regards to taking responsibility for his actions...he has some more work to do there, but I have faith that he will be a fine, upstanding young man. Aaron is in his sophomore year in school and we're looking at the prospect of him "leaving the nest" in a few years. As I watch him grow, I can't help but remember the collicky baby that I wanted to see if he could bounce....now, he could pick me up and drop me!

Love: Wow, love...what is there to say about this topic. Love comes in many forms. I've learned that you can definitely love more than one person at a time...that love just comes in many forms. For instance, I've felt love for someone this past year and that love opened some doors I'd shut a long time ago. I'm playing my clarinet again and part of a band (sort of...practices haven't been attended, but that should change next week) and have reclaimed my passion for expressing myself in this way. This was a HUGE part of my life and who I was in my formative years. To have it back is a godsend. I've also met someone who makes me smile as soon as they say "Hi" almost everyday. They are sweet, generous, sensitive, and a whole source of other adjectives. Kip...you know, I'm not sure how much love I can feel for this man...each day it grows stronger and stronger. He's my foundation, he's my rock, he's my pillar, he's my support. This man knows me better than anyone else in the world. Recently someone accused us of having an unstable relationship....I think they are dead wrong. In fact, I think we have one of the strongest relationships that I know about (save our new friends) and I look forward to spending every single day of the rest of my life with him.

2010: I'm an evens person. I love even numbers. Therefore, this is MY year. Things will fall into place for me...there will be balance and harmony. And I will share it with those around me who have my respect, admiration, friendship and love.

Humiliation

2009-12-19T10:03:00.003-05:00

Recently, at work, I've had the pleasure of feeling backed into a corner. Now, not much different from our four legged friends, when I feel backed into a corner, I tend to "fight back." In an effort to stop the barrage, I uttered a sentence that 1) I didn't mean as it was received and 2) I'll never forget. "XXXX, what do you want me to do, I am sitting here feeling like I can't do my job and I should give my two weeks notice." At that point, my two week's notice was accepted. But the barrage continued....until when asked why I didn't know something inside and out....I replied that during the time that this item was on my plate, I was working nearly 70 hours a week getting 7 high importance items launched....something was bound to fall through the cracks. This particular item...I knew there was someone else that knew it inside and out...we worked as a team...and did a great job!

So, I was sent home to think about if I wanted to "retract" the two weeks notice I never gave. The next morning, prepared to eat crow I felt I didn't deserve, I waited patiently for my VP to come in. He eventually showed up just at the start of our morning team meeting and proceeded to humiliate me in front of our entire team. It appears that my campaigns will be disbursed to the rest of the team and I will "sit with them and train." This was on the ninth month anniversary of my employment there. I was mortified, embarassed and humiliated. Had I resources available, I would have packed my stuff and left at that moment...but I need to be responsible. The humiliation continued throughout the next few hours. I was no longer the "lead Account Manager" on accounts that I have managed, grown and nurtured for nine months! I was to do the work, but others would make the decisions. And everyone knows about this...my coworkers are not stupid.

Knowing that I need this job, knowing that I like what I'm doing...and with the counsel of a great friend (thank you Mid), I decided to approach this as an opportunity to learn more. To take information from my co workers and apply it to what I'm doing. I know I do my job very well...but I also know I'm not perfect. Learning other ways to look at the data, presenting the data, and their processes...will not only help me when I'm struggling...but if I ever become a manager, it gives me a view of a different learning style.

Well, yesterday started...I did my end of week reports, then found out...after I sent them...they needed to be reviewed by the new "Lead AM's." This, however, wasn't communicated to me by my immediate supervisor. It appears that she's not talking to me. Ignoring someone is a sign of a stunted maturity in my opinion...especially if you are that person's manager. What kind of manager ignores their employees? How is that good management? What philosophy does that follow?

Everything happens for a reason....I need to believe that right now. I need to hold onto that. My "two week training period" seems an awful lot like a transition of power, so to speak. I suspect that after the first of the year, I'll be terminated. I don't need to be retrained. In fact, not too long ago, I was told how well I performed when training other people. They are merely setting themselves up so if I leave, their most challenging campaigns/clients will be taken care of. Good business sense maybe, poor people management.

Vacation......

2009-11-24T08:46:00.003-05:00

My first day of vacation I found myself awake at 6:30am. My first thought was...what the hell??!?!?!? So, I shifted positions, my husband's arms around my waist, and practiced some deep breathing techniques in hopes that I would soon fall back to sleep and slumber until a more respectable vacation wake up time. 6:45am, and my mind is racing...I didn't finish reports for work, my kitchen needs to be cleaned up, the dining room "remodel" needs to be finished, I have to go to Auburn to get the new computer desk....STOP!!! I scream silently to myself. It's vacation....no worry zone!!

I close my eyes and try visualizing myself laying in the sun on a warm day. The heat radiating my face, seeping into my cells, my psyche, my soul, rejuvenating me. Muscles relaxing, mind relaxing....NOPE...7:00 am and I give in. Not able to take it anymore, I slip out of bed, get myself dressed in something more respectable than my birthday suit, and go out to the living room. My dining room is looking good with it's new coat of paint, my dining room table...now in the kitchen...is covered with various items: a monitor, cpu, keyboard, cups, salt and pepper shaker....but I make room for my laptop.

And the first thing I do is check my work email???? What is wrong with me? Well, given the volume of emails I receive in a day, it's probably good to at least check them....less catch up when I return to work. Right? Right? Ok, I am trying to convince myself. I admit it. I'm addicted to working...and I'm working on it...I really, really am. In fact, I shut down my work email. And now, I'm simply surfing the web, I forgot what that was like.

So, back to my story...I was sitting at the table, laptop powered up, cup of ice water to my right....and nothing else. I could hear every creak in the house. My niece snoring in the living room (I think she has sleep apnea.) The monitor heater occasionally turning on to heat the house. I think I even heard a mouse scampering through the walls...yes, we have mice. Please do not tell my mother. The dog was pacing upstairs, probably waiting for his boy to wake up and bring him outside.

About an hour later, movement started to become more pronounced. Matthew came downstairs. The dog started to ask to be brought out. My brother made coffee. Aaron turned on the computer in the living room. Coffee pot brewing, computer humming, people stretching, dogs whining....my house was waking up.

I've been alone in my home before, usually in the afternoons on Saturdays. Sitting at my table, iced water to my right, I enjoyed the sounds of my home waking up. That is a good way to start a vacation.

What song is in your head?

2009-11-14T08:47:00.004-05:00

Music is the soul of life...at least that's my opinion. For every single major moment of my life, there's a song associated with it. Some are musically brilliant songs, some aren't great musically, but their message is clear. When I think about meeting my husband "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" by Glen Medeiros. Our wedding: "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. The death of my grandmother "I Will Remember You" and "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan. When I'm angry "Winter" by Vivaldi. When I need peace "Mozart's Clarinet Concerto" uh...by Mozart, I think. I could go on and on and on. Sometimes I'm not even aware that these songs have these connections for me. The song plays and I instantly go there...suspended in time for a few moments.

I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.

My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.

There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.

What song is stuck in your head?

Mid-Life Crisis or Growing Into Me?

2009-11-01T20:31:00.003-05:00

Happy Halloween Weekend!!!!

Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?

But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!

And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.

Missed two days....sometimes life explodes around you

2009-08-08T13:23:00.002-04:00

I was on a roll..working out, feeling good...taking control. This is my destiny and my journey and I'm the only one who can derail me.

Then, I got the call....."Velma, you need to come home and bring Dad to the hospital, he's got a hernia and he needs surgery." So....I rush home, pick up dad and drive back into Portland. I stayed at the hospital, in his room until 9pm. The doctor told me what they"suspected" was wrong and what the treatment would most likely be. But, because Dad has COPD and a whole host of health problems even the littlest surgeries become big and dangerous. I left the hospital Thursday night fully expecting to return Friday morning with him in surgery.

It's now Saturday, still no surgery. In short....they don't know what is wrong with him! I missed the gym yesterday as I spent 7 hours at the hospital anxiously waiting for results from test after test after test. We've gone from an intestinal blockage, to salmonella poisoning, to a pulled lumbar muscle, to a hernia, to a blockage and now....to who knows what....stressful to say the least.

I haven't been to the gym today either and I really don't want to go. I want quiet reflection and alone time. Perhaps I will go out and sweep the driveway...it's still exercise and good, hard exercise at that....stay tuned dear reader! This will only be a small derailment, I promise.

Day....I lost count!

2009-08-06T14:20:00.002-04:00

OK Dear Reader, I know it's been nearly a week since my last blog. But seriously, I've been busy. OK...maybe not extremely busy, but still. Last Friday was day 10 and my half day at work. I left work and promptly went to the gym even though I didn't want to. It was tough!!! The first 10 minutes were brutal and I considered getting off the treadmill after 15 minutes. Instead, I changed the channel on the television, and got back on the treadmill and finished my 30 minute work out.

The rest of the weekend was my birthday weekend!!! Thirty seven years have gone by since I was born...funny how that seemed old when I was 10. As usual, I spent some of my time reflecting...but the best part of the weekend was the absolutely gorgeous day on Saturday, my birthday! I got to sun, swim, and lounge in the lake. I sat on the porch with loved ones, soaked up some rays and enjoyed some wine. I didn't care what I ate...all I cared is that I enjoyed my day...and I did.

Monday morning came and I couldn't wake up in the morning...so, I didn't go to the gym. BUT, I did bring my gym clothes so that I could stop in after work. Boy was that tough. I was driving home and the sleepies were creeping in. I came to my turnoff and I really, really wanted to keep going. But......I turned and grudgingly went into the gym...and did my full work out. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt....but....I felt good!!!

I got home all calmed down and spent. And I slept ok that night. So, this week, I've gone to the gym every day after work. I've concentrated on making good food choices...no matter how difficult, but I'm trying...and that's the important thing.

Last night, I finally broke down and measured myself...not a fun (or easy task) imagine this obese woman trying to wrap a measuring tape around her body and trying to read it! I really should have a web cam following my life. ;-)

Days 7-9 A Fish (Oil) Tale

2009-07-30T08:36:00.004-04:00

Ok, so day 7 I went to the gym...day 8...I didn't...and day 9 (today) I did. Boy, do I have a story for you today, dear reader. And it's all about the effects of fish oil. I was instructed in May to start taking fish oil because of my cholesterol levels...I did take it for awhile, but there was one side effect that I just didn't care for....flatulence! Everyone knows that a lady NEVER toots. So, I stopped taking it.

Along with changing my eating habits and exercising, I decided that I would also do the things that I am supposed to do: take my vitamins, a digestive enzyme (thanks John!) and take my fish oil. Anyone who has ever taken (or is taking) fish oils knows that there are a few undesirable side effects. The only one I feel somewhat comfortable talking about is the flatulence. Over the past few days I've noticed that my backside has a mind of it's own....and at some of the most inconvenient times it tries to have a discussion with me: conference calls, team meetings, walking in the grocery store.....and lately, working out at the gym!

This morning began like any other morning....I got to the gym, stepped upon the treadmill and set it to go. About ten minutes into my walk...my butt starts trying to talk to me again. I was not alone in the women's room this morning...so imagine me walking on the treadmill, clenching my cheeks (and not the ones on my face), walking at a brisk pace. (Bright side, I bet my glutes got a good workout!) This maneuver only lasted about a minute when my butt revolted! With each step, air leaked out. All I could envision was a skit that Larry the Cable Guy did on his grandmother with her walking farts! Luckily, the fans were on and the equipment that we were using were loud. I'm not sure if there was a stench associated with the noise (in my experience the last few days, there was) and thankfully there was no one behind me!

Still, images of passed out people in workout attire (circa Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video) ran rampant through my mind. I had the biggest grin while continuing my treadmill routine. The poor older woman sharing space with me must have wondered. Or maybe, the machines and fans weren't as loud as I thought they were and she knew?

My "noisy" backside continued during my weight workout...my butt firmly pressed into the seats to avoid any notification that my body was revolting on me. Until......the last machine......the ab cruncher machine......last set of 15. The room has grown to three other people besides me. My backside seemed to have calmed down a bit. I got up, got the disinfectant, sprayed the machined and as I wiped it down...without warning......the loudest fart I have EVER made came out of my body! I swear ALL of the machines stopped, even the fans! The three older women turned, simultaneously, and looked at me. And I sheepishly said "Excuse me.....fish oil." With knowing nods, the activity in the room continued! And I laughed my proverbial ass off in the shower!!!

Bottle of Fish Oil....$9.95. Gym Membership....$29.95 Farting Loudly in an echoy room....PRICELESS!

Day 6....Not Weighing In

2009-07-27T08:52:00.002-04:00

Today was Day 6, and last night was a very horrible night for sleeping. It was hot, muggy, and miserable. I was riddled with bad, horribly bad, dreams. I kept feeling like someone was in my room watching me. My alarm went off at 6am and I was equal parts relieved and devastated. I wanted to sleep...just sleep. But, I got up anyway. I stumbled into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready. And off I went, work bag, gym bag and lunch bag in hand.

I had the Women's room all to myself this morning. My thighs are still aching from my workout on Saturday...but I did it. I was a bit slower on my treadmill walk than I had wanted to be, but I got a good workout nonetheless. The weights didn't get easier and there are a few I'd like to burn in effigy. But alas, I've survived...it was a week ago this evening that I joined this gym and got that 260lb shock!

Out of curiosity, I stepped on that same scale today and it said that I gained almost 3 pounds!! Now, I was wearing my sneakers this morning, so I'm going to account for some of that weight being my sneakers...but moral of the story..I am NOT weighing myself again until the date circled on my calendar.

Tonight I will measure myself and track inches lost as well.

Slips Ups and Make Ups

2009-07-25T13:17:00.002-04:00

So, I didn't blog about Day 4 yesterday...I had an early morning appointment for my foot, a sort of follow up to my ankle surgery in November. The good news is that my ankle has healed very nicely...the bad news is that I'm getting tendonitis on the inside of my foot now...so, ibuprofen regiment for the next two weeks and if that doesn't help...I might have to get orthotics.

Now, I'm a fairly patient woman...although some may disagree with that statement. But when driving in traffic...I've always been the "go to" person because of my cool disposition...not lately however. I'm stuck in Portland traffic leaving the office to head home. But yesterday, I said that I was going to work out at the gym on my way home...and I did. The workout was great. I was feeling good...had calmed down from my aggravating ride from the office to the gym.

The gym is less than two miles from my home...it took me almost half an hour to get home! By the time I got home I was so aggravated and I slipped into an old habit. (Rather, a habit I'm hoping to make old.) I got a glass of wine. Doesn't sound bad, right? The bad part comes in that I truly, truly like wine. And I have no self-control when it comes to wine. Once I open a bottle...I will finish it and open another. It's not something I'm entirely proud of...and it's something I've been consciously trying to change...last night...I drank a bottle of wine.

Today, I went for Day 5 at the gym. I didn't fail last night. This isn't about failing...this is about changing myself for the better. So, dear reader...today is a new day. And I'm feeling good about myself.

Day 3 Tiredness

2009-07-23T09:15:00.002-04:00

So, I did make it to the gym this morning. Last night, I got my weight training orientation, did one circuit on those fancy machines and went home. This morning, the usual routine, made it to the gym...a little earlier this morning because I really wanted to do one more circuit. That work out is pretty intense...this morning I inadvertantly choose "hills" on the treadmill...but once I noticed it, I stayed committed...I actually liked it better than endurance, I might switch them off each day.

I took my morning shower in the cramped shower stall...dried off, and when I went to get dresse, I noticed that I left my "good" bra home! Resigned to my fate, I put the old sweaty bra on (there was just no time to go home, get the good bra AND make it to work on time.) Yes folks, I'm at work with an old sweaty bra. However, I'm grateful that it was the bra that I forgot and not the panties...NOW that would have been GROSS!

I'm thinking about taking tomorrow off...I'm a bit sluggish today and I'm feeling some muscle fatigue. I do have an early morning doctor's appointment so going to the gym in the morning will be a bit difficult. My current plan is to pack my bag with my gym clothes (instead of work clothes) and if I'm feeling good after work tomorrow, I'll stop in at the gym.

So, dear reader...day 3 and I'm still committed...now, if I could just come up with a better eating plan!

Endurance....

2009-07-22T08:50:00.001-04:00

So, the alarm goes off at 6am again this morning...my mom calls around 6:25am to remind me to go to the gym. I really did not want to get out of bed....I have very restless nights and sleep is a commodity that I have little of...but, I got out of bed. Brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and put on my work out close...out the door by 6:50am...at the gym by 6:55am and on the treadmill at 7:00am.

Today, I choose the Endurance Level 1, 30 minute excursion. I read the Today show...thanks to closed captioning. And just went for my walk. This time, it was just challenging enough for me to have to work, but not show challenging that I hated it! I think I'll stick with this program for at least the next week...a good way to re-introduce myself to the land of the moving. Tonight, I get to meet my trainer and get my weight training orientation. I'm thinking that I want to focus on my core muscles...this may help with some back pain that I've been experiencing and then I might begin to sleep a little better.

Endurance....I'm not sure if that's a good adjective for my morning treadmill program....or my morning wake up call. Maybe both...but not too sound too much like a cliche...this time just FEELS different to me.

Day 1----No turning back now

2009-07-21T08:30:00.002-04:00

My alarm promptly goes off at 6am this morning, alerting me to the task that I've assigned for myself....my first trip to the gym. Now, I'm not sure how many of you reading this REALLY know me...but you'll know that I'm neither a night OR a morning person. That being said, I'd rather suffer through waking up early than staying up late...I can't handle many late nights...I hit my wall, as my husband refers to it, and will sleep where standing! So, 6am...my mom says she's going to call too....6:05, 6:10 (alarm goes off again), mind you I'm awake, I'm just not moving.

6:20 my alarm goes off...a way to deflect the task ahead is to ask my husband "Wanna do it?" Of course, he struggles with that answer. But knowing that I'm having issues with my self-esteem, body image, etc...he politely refuses and tells me to go to the gym.

I get to the gym around 6:45. I'm dressed and ready to work out. I have my "shower equipment" and work clothes neatly packed in a bag...almost like an overnight visit with a new friend. There are no more than a dozen cars in the parking lot. In the "main workout room" there are four older gentlemen (60-70's) working on the cardio equipment. Downstairs in the "Women's Only" workout room, there are 3 women...I can do this...I can handle this.

I set the treadmill for 25 minutes thinking it's going to kill me...but the end result will be worth it. That first 25 minutes went by so quickly, I wanted to do more....alas, I had to shower my sweaty ass and get to work....

The shower is a whole other story of cramped spaces, and forgotten flip flops!

But, I did it! I went and survived Day 1....tomorrow...Day 2 and more time on the treadmill...then tomorrow night, my first appointment with my trainer.

A new journey

2009-07-20T20:14:00.005-04:00

My bathing suit is dying...the threads are coming loose and you can pull pieces of elastic out of it in various places. It's a cute skirted, black bathing suit that has gotten me a lot of compliments in the last 8 years that I've had it. But as with most things....it's time is waning. So, I trekked off to a few places to "bathing suit shop."

Now, most women....no matter their size...do NOT like to bathing suit shop. The reasons are very clear...dressing room mirrors are made to make you appear unflattering. Your legs bulge, your stomach sticks out, your boobs sag...it's just a horrible, horrible experience for most women! For me, it's worse than most...I found a cute bathing suit on sale for $20. I take two different sizes a 2X and a 3X, knowing that there's no way the 3X is going to fit, it's going to be too big. Boy was I wrong!!! Not only was it not too big, but it was very, very snug. My legs looked like 50 pounds of flabby, cottage cheese. My thighs didn't separate. I was absolutely mortified at myself. How? When? Why?

And finally...NO MORE!!! I cannot live the rest of my life this size. I cannot be that old woman with the huge ass sticking out, with calf's the size of normal thighs...I can't do it. I won't do it. I HAVE to change it. And, I'm the only one that can!

Introducing 21st Century Family Fitness. $49 sign up fee....$29.95/month...if in the first four months I lose 30 pounds....my membership is free....for LIFE. Talk about double motivation...lose weight AND save money!! This place is not only talking to my vanity but my wallet!

So, folks....here's the transparency of my journey...today, I'm 260lbs. My current goal is to be 230lbs by November 20, 2009! Wish me luck!

What I didn't say to the Board of Ed...

2009-04-01T20:41:00.002-04:00

*I know blogs can get tedious and people lose focus reading them after a few paragraphs....I'm guilty myself...but PLEASE keep reading....***

Tonight, on my way home from work, I was struck by a reason why our local school department should NOT cut the middle school program. I mean, I had reasons, but none that I thought wouldn't be vocalized by a million other parents...after all, there is even a facebook page. But tonight, on my way home, I realized what impact middle school band had on my life...and I wanted to make sure that opportunity was available to other kids. So, I got home, started writing my speech, realized I had to leave. Wrote more of the speech at each red light (I really hope I get that many green lights on my way to work tomorrow!) And go to town hall....where there was hardly any parking.

I trek up the hill on the newly repaired, unsecured, ankle and enter the building only to find I was not the only one with this idea....there were easily over 100 people there. I took a seat in the overflow room and did what I do best....I observed the people around me. Nods, glances, clenched jaws....all told where each person stood on the current topic. And then, the topic of the music program came up. I listened to some testimonials. I heard statistics. But, I didn't see any adult talk about how music affected who THEY became....so, I got up to go to the second floor to stand in line....and what a line! It rivaled lines I've seen at public hearings in Augusta (Maine capitol for my non-Maine friends.) I waited and waited....then one young man, I didn't catch his name, spoke about how music has affected him...given him a safe place. He walked out of the room, struggling to hold back his tears and I knew that I didn't need to speak. So, I left and made my way home...where I sit now. But I still want to share what I had planned on saying.

What I didn't say:

Good Evening, let me begin by saying 19 months ago, I sat on your side of the table in a small town of 11,000 people. We had no commercial tax base to speak of and a 41 mil rate. I know the job you have before you is very difficult.

Now, I want to tell you about a little girl that I once knew. She came from an unusual dysfunctional home with a suicidal mother and a father that lacked certain mothering abilities. So, she took over in places where her mother couldn't provide: housecleaning, child care provider and disciplinarian for her two younger brothers, chief cook and bottle washer. At the beginning of 6th grade, her local high school band came and played at her elementary school. She was enamored by the flutes. They were shiny, melodical and she knew she had to have one. Her parents told her that they could never afford a musical instrument. Not to be deterred, she approached her teacher and begged: Was there anyway at all she could get a flute? The teacher, knowing that life wasn't easy for the little girl, promised to look into it.

A few days later, the little girl got called to the office. And, there to greet her was the middle school band teacher (Mrs. Crawford, now Mrs. Cutler) and she was holding a small, black, square case. What this her flute??? Close enough, Mrs. Cutler happened to have a clarinet that was left at the middle school in years prior.

And on that day, an incredible journey began for her. She practiced daily, losing herself in the music. In seventh grade, she joined the middle school band, giving up other applied arts to feed into her hobby. She attempted (with some success) the bass clarinet, french horn, saxophone. And from it all, she gaind a sense of safety, solace and most importantly, normalcy. In band, she was just like everyone else.

She carried this forward to high school. Quickly excelling at her craft. She continued to use her band director (now, Mr. Neal) as a source of support, comfort and knowledge. Knowledge of what a better life looks like. Knowledge that anyone can overcome their obstacles, even her. She grew confidencec and compassion.

This young girl stands before you twenty four years later. She's only the second person in her family to get a college degree. She's one of the first to break into the middle class tax bracket. She's the mother of a whole, unbroken, family unit, with a blessedly normal life. And if you asked her what helped her get there, she'd tell you two things: I surrounded myself with good people with high standards. And, I lost myself in music to forget my surroundings.

I'm not here for my son who's in the seventh grade band. If band is moved to a before or after school program....we'll find a way to get him there. He'll get that experience...cause it's important. I'm here for that young girl/boy who's living the life that I led. If you make band an after school activity, this child will lose an important, life changing opportunity. I know your job is hard. I know you want to affect as few students as possible. But sometimes, you have to look at quality over quantity. This change that affects so few students may have an adverse, life-altering affect on them.

Lifelong Friendships

2009-03-26T19:49:00.002-04:00

Everyday on my way to work, on the outskirts of Portland, I approach a school zone. (One of two.) The cars ahead of me slowly decrease their speed to the posted 15 mph. This gives me a chance to check my surroundings out a bit....maybe change the CD if I'm not digging the music. Usually, I'm listening to MPR (Maine Public Radio for those who don't know.) I'm a self-described news junkie....and if I'm going to listen to radio personalities talk, or overplayed radio commercials....then I'm going to listen to something worth paying attention to. Anyway, this is all besides the point, I'm getting to.

Every day, I see these two young boys...maybe 4th grade...walking on the icy sidewalk, under the heavy burden of their school books, lunch and whatever else mom deems necessary for their day at school. Being March in Maine, it's still pretty cold....they're bundled up in their snow pants, winter coats, knits caps with bobbing pompoms on top, mittens/gloves....almost like Ralphie's little brother in "A Christmas Story." Each cold morning, they are sparing with random tree debris from the many storms that we've had this season....and trust me...there are LOTS to choose from. I never see their faces close enough to be able to spot them in the mall (probably a good thing...mom might think I'm a stalker.) To the untrained eye, they are actually pretty good at sparing. and every morning, it's a different set of discarded tree branches...some birch, some pine and on the rare occassion some maple.

They are probably forced to dispose of their armor before entering school premises....after all, fighting and role playing of that sort are no longer allowed on the playground. But this morning, I let my mind wander with these two boys and I've decided that they continue to grow closer and stay best friends their entire lives. They experience their coming of age (thanks Mid!!!) together much like the four boys in "Stand By Me." In high school, they get crushes on the same girls, spend long nights talking about how they are going to take over the world. Throughout college, they continue on their life's journey giving each other the support that each other can give. They have children around the same age; wives that become fast friends. And their lives will always, only be complete with each other in it.

Sisters United

2009-03-17T19:27:00.004-04:00

There I sat in a blue patterned, winged back chair, book in hand ("From a Buick 8," by Stephen King) awaiting my "clear to go" from my most recent mammogram. My breasts were a bit tender from the from the pulling and squishing, despite the ibuprofen I took an hour before.

It dawned on me that myself and the five other women "patiently" waiting were in our own weird form of a reality show. The woman to my left could be my grandmother, knitting what looked like a scarf. To her left was "the career woman," constantly checking her voice mail, sending text messages. To her left was the soccer mom having her first mammogram and making nervous small talk. To soccer mom's left, and across the small room, was the stylish late 30's/early 40's young woman obviously feeling the inconvenience of where she is at. And finally, to the left of runway girl, was a woman who could be my aunt, with worry written all over her body. We were all waiting for preliminary results. Anxiously awaiting to find out if we need more testing. Not one of us wants to be pulled back into that room with the albatross they call a "machine." This usually means that the Radiologist found something not quite right with our mammogram.

My book forgotten, used as a writing table for my current reflection; the news playing on the television beside me. Each woman occupying herself in her own, personal unique way: knitting, reading, texting, television watching. We all appear calm, but a trained observer can note the nervousness hidden in each of the women: foot tapping, clenching jaws, cautious looks at THE DOOR. And I find that we're all sisters united and divided all at the same time. No one wants to talk about why we are here...some are routine, some are to explore newly found lumps. Yet, as women we are comforted by the company of each other and the small talk that women are prone to make in most situations.

Remember, Breast Health is very important. I was called into the room only to find out that my images from last year were not readily available. Six hours later, I'm still waiting to hear if I'm ok. Ladies, check your breasts monthly, and get your routine mammograms....they could save your life.

Written in the Stars?

2009-02-25T12:11:00.003-05:00

According to dictionary.com the definition of fate is: the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time. And karma: the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation. Karma also references fate. Can you believe in them both? For instance, should I believe that it is simply my fate to have lived the life that I have so far. Or did something happen in my past life that predestines that I will have this road to follow? Or maybe it's both....maybe in my past life I did something so horrible that I am fated to live this life full of obstacles and bad luck......at times, it makes my head spin.

Last night, I was trying, in vain, to see the Comet Lulin. I was never good at astronomy and am not sure how I got a B in it in college. I can find the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper, but little else. My husband, the loving man that he is, humored me and would walk outside to the snow covered, ice encrusted driveway and look up at the heavens with me. We'd look to where I thought ESE is in the sky...searching valiantly for Saturn and Regulus. The temperature dipped into the teens and single digits, and still we'd be standing in the driveway all bundled up looking for the green comet. Each time, I'd resolve to go back onto the computer, consult a geek friend (not to worry, Mid is a self-described geek) and look at star charts on the internet trying to find a reference point.

On our third trip outside, Kip found Orion's belt! Finally, I had a reference point! Back into the warm house we trekked. Back to the computer. OK, if we locate Orion's Belt and I track the stars this way, I should see the constellation Leo....the symbol of my zodiac. Regulus is the front paw of Leo. Saturn can loosely be described as the back paw. And if you draw a somewhat straight line between the two, you should be able to see Comet Lulin.

So, out we go....one more time...into the cold, cold air to look again. Orion's belt, look back towards my neighbors house and slowly, I can actually see Leo!!! For the first time in my life, I can see Leo!!! For the first time in my life, I found a constellation! There was a small, non-descript "star" where the comet should have been, but it was not clear if it was Lulin.

As we walk back inside, my husband notes how he sometimes really enjoys my childlike exuberance and determination. That thought followed me through my evening and slumber. And today, it's a little bit clearer. What's going on in my life might be written in the stars, it might be fated and it just might be karma, but whatever it is, it's mine. And I need to take that determination and exuberance, match it with my rock solid support from my husband and family...and I need to overcome whatever is thrown at me! I'm not alone in this struggle. It's not just me dealing with all of this.

Even though, I sometimes feel like I'm the only one in the world and that I'm on the outside looking in.....I'm really not. And for that, I'm extremely grateful.

The first gay man I ever met.

2009-02-01T18:37:00.003-05:00

My uncle, Ovilia Mitchell Jr., died today. Uncle Mitch (wouldn't you want a nickname?) was suffering from Alzheimer's for the last four years and died alone in Hartford, Connecticut. He was the oldest of eleven children, my father being the "middle" child. He was predeceased by his father and a younger brother, Robert, who died in Vietnam. My grandmother has now had to bury her son, her husband and another son.

Uncle Mitch was the first gay person I've ever met. Not being extremely close with my father's side of the family, my first memory of Uncle Mitch occurs around 25 or so years ago. I was attending a baby shower for my cousin Elaine (my dad's oldest sister's daughter) with my mom. Some of the men were in the bar of the Bristol Club while the "womenfolk" fawned over pastel pinks, blues, yellows and greens. I remember "admission" to the shower was jars of baby food. My cousin Kathy and I were marveling at the amount Elaine had gotten. Kathy and I were close even though we lived hundreds of miles away from each other.

We ran out behind the club to where there was a barbeque pit and my Uncle Mitch was there. I'm not sure if he recently came out of the closet or if this was old news to the family. All I knew is that Uncle Mitch had someone who used to be his wife and his daughter Dawn. I'm not clear on the exact wording that was used, but the gist of the conversation between Uncle Mitch and some of the male family members was that he would be going in to join the baby shower and it was most definitely ok because he was gay.

I thought gay was happy and wondered why the other men weren't happy that Elaine was having a baby. Babies were great! I was a rather rude, impertinent child who never shyed away from asking the questions that popped into her head. I asked Uncle Mitch what made his gayness so special and why he was the only one happy. All this time later, I think that he was rather offended by my question but explained that he didn't like girls, he liked boys. And, if I wanted to know more about it, I'd have to ask my parents.

Yah, this cleared it up for me. He didn't like girls, but he was going to go inside where ALL the girls were??!?!?!?!?! Eventually, my parents delicately explained what it meant to be gay. I understood it the best that I could. For now on, at all the "girl parties" my Uncle Mitch would be there. And that was cool with me....he always had candy in his shirt pocket!

As I grew up, we drifted apart from my father's side of the family even further. Christmas, Wedding and Funerals were when I'd see them....until Uncle Mitch and Freddie moved from Florida to Rhode Island. Uncle Mitch threw the coolest parties, gave the biggest hugs and loved life to it's fullest. Freddie died about 10 years ago from AIDS....and Uncle Mitch died alone. My father is devastated by his loss and I sit here full of sorrow for watching my dad deal with this.

I believe, to this day, that I have never discriminated against the Gay-Lesbian community because of my Uncle Mitch. He paved the way for an open conversation and full acceptance....and that from a Roman Catholic family!!! I only regret that I didn't go and visit him more and that my father won't get a "proper" good bye for his oldest brother.

Bankers

2009-01-27T15:48:00.004-05:00

My husband and I are certainly no one to lecture about the importance of managing your money. We, ourselves, didn't have very good role models. I spent my entire childhood watching my parents juggle money only to run out and have the phone shut off, oil run out of the tank, electricity off for a week at a time. My husband's parents, clearly middle class, managed their money extremely well but didn't pass this knowledge on to their son. You see, they NEVER talked money and finances with him.

Yet, they were quick to give him the boot after high school graduation. From there he entered the United States Navy. Never known for being babysitters, the US Navy gave him money and he had no idea what to do with it!! Me, coming from less than humble beginnings...spent my money on the things I wanted when I wanted. It wasn't long into our marriage that we found ourselves in a lot of financial trouble that took us YEARS to get out of. Our credit score was still lacking but we were able to get financing for a home in Connecticut.

My father, suffering from COPD and emphysema, came down seriously ill and was in ICU for several weeks. With young children, I was relying on him to ensure that they safely came home from school and stayed safe. This couldn't happen when he was in the hospital. I asked my employer to grant me a sift in hours for the next few weeks to ensure the safety of my children. This was not allowed and I was unceremoniously let go...forced to choose between my family and my job! But, that is a different blog all together.

What followed was several months of unemployment. My husband was just starting out in the automotive technician field and his pay was less than cellar. Working with Option One Mortgage company was no picnic. They refused partial payments, in fact, they sent back payments that were not made in full. The refused to help us every step of the way. Of course, I don't think I ever spoke with an english speaking service representative.

Months of fighting the mortgage company, foreclosure notices and each other, we finally gave up and became one of the first Sub-Prime Mortgage Victims. Now, I don't place the entire blame on Option One...but they do own some of it. The point is....we couldn't handle our finances and now can't get financed for a slice of bread.

So why......why are those in "charge" at these banks getting a bailout and keeping their jobs. Why are their "grunt" workers being laid off while they continue to receive exhorbant incomes, bonsues and perks??? How has this bailout helped Main Street America? Small businesses all over America are closing because their lines of credit aren't being renewed...but hey James Dimon, Henry Meyer, Richard Fairbank and the TONS of other overpaid, hyped up executives can keep their multi-million dollar salaries, company perks and luxurious houses while people like us begin to look over the edge at homelessness, malnutrition, and utterly lack of help from our state and local governments. (If you click on the title of this post, you'll be forwarded to the msnbc.com article that prompted my rant.)

Paralyzed

2009-01-26T10:16:00.002-05:00

Some people get paralyzed by their fears. Some get paralyzed by certain phobias like heights, bridges, dark rooms, water. And some get paralyzed by their own emotions. I'm not talking the kind of paralysis that cements your feet to the ground or has you gasping for breathe. I'm talking about the kind of paralysis where you psychologically cannot move...either forwards or backwards. I'm one of those people who gets paralyzed by my own emotions....feeling inferior being the biggest one.

All I've ever wanted was to fit in with everyone else. I didn't want to be different. I believe this all started shortly after my father moved us all from Connecticut to Lewiston, Maine. My family, at the age of 7, was my world. My best friend, Lisa (name changed), lived next door to me. I lived walking distance to my maternal grandparents, my mother's uncle, my dad's sister. If you've ever been to the foothills of Connecticut and you're familiar with the town Terryville, you'll understand that this was an extremely small community with little economic infastructure. And my father moved us to Lewiston, Maine...the second or third largest "city" in Maine??? I found myself lost in a sea of people. I entered 3rd grade and all of those cemented friendships had little room for me...and I had no confidence to build a plan to infiltrate.

Then my parents moved.....in 2 years we moved 3 times and finally ended up in New Auburn, Maine the summer before I began fifth grade. This feeling of not fitting in had started seeping in there...but it wasn't until middle school that I really felt it. Maybe it's because of what was happening with my family at the time. I felt I had to hide what happened at home...not out of shame, but out of survival. No one wants to be friends with the kid with the crazy mom, three colored house, junk cars in the yard and trouble maker brothers. It probably didn't help that I somehow earned the distinction of not being like by the most popular girl in our grade, Susan (named changed.) And Susan had it all....money, looks, talent, parents who were normal and successful. I avoided her on the playground everyday for the longest time because she threatened to punch me. I wonder now if I had stood up to her, how would things be different. Alas, this isn't a Hollywood movie is it? Nope, I tucked my tail between my legs and dealt with the lumps life gave me.

To this day, I still moan about not being good enough, not fitting in. And a good friend (you know who you are) helped me realize that I've built walls so massive and then added a cocoon around myself that the real me is crying to get out. Maybe she's gone from crying to screaming. It's probably not a good thing that I over-analyze everything and therefore read into every word, body movement to help instill this feeling of inferiority. It's literally strangled my ability to trust people, like people, let people in. In fact, in response our conversation, I told my friend "I have walls because if I let people in, they hurt me!" And my past experiences have only served to cement all of these feelings. I had good friends in middle school.....then one of them had a father who followed me in his truck, tried to bring me into the back of his house and then denied the whole thing....the guidance counselor pull Tina, and her sister Tanya (names changed), into her office and told them of my accusations...can you say "good bye friends"?

And it's still happening now....whether it's all in my head or part of some sick form of karma....it's really sad that in a group of four people, you sometimes feel like the fifth wheel. But, I have to ask myself....how much of my insecurity am I bringing into this? And how much is my ever growing depression from being unemployed (and in a sense, incapacitated) fueling this fire? So I talk to my good friend and he says....."They are going to hurt you anyway." And you know what, he's right. (Go ahead, write it down, you know you want to.)

I talk to my life partner, soulmate, husband....who perhaps knows me better than I know myself. And being part of the group of four, he's got first hand knowledge...and he is struggling with how to help me through this. How can he stop me from hurting from these things? It's never going to go away. But I've got really good people around me to help me through the process. And as my own personal defense mechanism, I'll continue to over-analyze everything...it's both a blessing and a curse. But I won't, can't, give it up. It's what keeps me from turning into my mother.

For A Moment

2009-01-20T11:57:00.003-05:00

For a moment, the world stopped today. Whether you're liberal or conservative; democrat or republican; white or black; young or old; man or woman; you cannot deny the historical and social significance of today. Barack Obama will become our first African American president. He's sending a message to the world and to our youth that anything is possible. You can do it. We can do it. It can be done.

He's united a country torn apart by war, greed and social inequalities. While we cannot ignore those who speak vehemently against Mr. Obama, or who wish him harm, today is not a day to focus on those short-sighted individuals who lack the ability to think outside their own boxes.

Today, we open our minds to hope. Hope that Mr. Obama will be able to carry out the majority of his campaign promises. Hope that Mr. Obama will restore the American Dream....a dream that is less about financial propserity and more about pride in ourselves, our neighbors, our country. Hope that social equality is within our grasp once again....because without social equality, America loses it's lustre.

Good luck Mr. Obama. May your road be paved with opportunities to make US better.

Outside Looking In

2009-01-15T11:56:00.005-05:00

Has it really been a year and a half since I blogged??? So, I had to ask myself why? Well, first I thought I would start with the question: why do any of us blog? I suppose we've got something to say and hope that someone wants to hear us. For me....I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. In fact, I've tentatively started a book titled "Outside Looking In." It is semi-autobiographical. Mostly because I'm not imaginative enough to come up with something new. Besides, like Harry Potter, my adolescence wasn't exactly an easy road to follow. There were no BFF's, no parents with the financial resources to acquiesce to your every whim. Life was extremely hard for me.

I used to lament that I had no close friends....from childhood, and now, to adulthood. Making those connections has always been difficult for me. And I have to wonder why. At 36, I like who I am. I would be friends with me. Some reflections on my own actions....a task that only comes with age and maturity...I realized that my walls in middle and high school were so high that it was nearly impossible for anyone to get through. I was, quite plainly, a bitch. If I had something to say to you, I just said it. Regardless of your reaction...regardless of your feelings. I felt that utter honesty was the best policy, no matter the consequences.

For those old high school classmates reading this.....did you know that since the age of 12, I struggled with a suicidal mother. After suppressing years and years of child molestation, my mother finally woke up at 32 and started to remember it all!!! Her response was various and numerous attempts to take her life. Around the same age, I became "mom" in my house in all actions except the bedroom. I helped my father raise my little brothers. I helped him manage our money. I disciplined, took the calls from the Auburn PD, cooked, cleaned, shopped. I grew up so much faster than everyone around me that by the time we were all in high school, there was little anyone could really offer me. And I knew that, if only subconsciously.

I knew that there were more important things in life than what store at the mall you got your clothes at, or what John Smith said about Jane Doe in the cafeteria. Yet, I had no way to tell anyone. I wasn't aware of it myself, consciously. So, for those who found me aloof, bitchy, standoffish, I apologize. I accept my part for not "fitting in." I have connected with some of you in the last few months and I realize....you really are nice people. And you probably were 20 years ago. I was just so closed off back then, that I couldn't see it myself.

So, I've got a recommitment for my blog. I want this to become a place where people can reflect on their lives and maybe help that someone dealing with that hard issue. Give advice. Share hard times and how you got through it. I may tell memories about my past that are hard to hear. I will always change names....other than my own...to respect privacy...but this wont' be semi-autobiographical. This will be candid and true. And sometimes, it might be hard to read.

I'm not asking for apologies or sympathy. Really, what's done is done. This is my cathartic way of excersing old demons and destroying old walls. If I've remembered a memory incorrectly or you recognize it and want to show a different point of view, I welcome that. After all, I only saw it through my microscope, yours might be a lot different.

If I water them, will they grow???

2007-05-23T21:52:00.001-04:00

****Posted from my Myspace blog****

For those of you that know me...you know two essential things about me. One, I HATE to shop! And two, I am anything but a girly girl!!! So, today I went to Walmart...god i HATE that store...to get stuff for my upcoming trip. I was due for a rationing of underwear, bras, socks and such. And, while I have my super sexy thongs and do love the new boxers for women...it's much cheaper to buy cotton, low-rise, bikini underwear. Not being a small person. I have to get large size underwear. Now, let me first ask:

How many TALL fat women do you know???? I don't know many. So why???? why???? why are the underwear for fat women WAY at the top. At one point I considered taking my 10 year old son onto my shoulders and having him get them for me. But he refused to touch the packages.

So, I'm standing there. Going from Hanes Her Way to Fruit of the Loom Just Her Style (or whatever.) Comparing prices, colors, style. I don't want just white...a woman should have a few pairs of those, but 6 is way too virginal for me. They didn't have any packages with black. All they had was PINK, POLKA DOTS, PLAID, WHITE, LAVENDER, SKY BLUE. So now I ask....who the hell thinks that ALL women want to wear girlie type underwear. I don't want FLOWERS ON MY ASS. First, there's nothing pretty about my ass. Second, if my husband saw me in them he'd fall on the floor laughing and repeating...if I water them, will they grow??? Third, get a grip you male run feminine products industry idiots!!! Not all women like flowers, pink or those little bows in their cleavage. Some of us want PLAIN underwear. PLAIN bras...and colors other than fru fru colors.

Now, excuse me...my husband started the outdoor fireplace for me to burn the pink, purple, and blue polka dotted underwear.....it killed me to even buy the package!!!

Vanity

2007-05-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I have this friend who's bound and determine to turn me into a techie....i mean BOUND and DETERMINED. He's had some pretty funny blogs that I've been dying to comment on...but just didn't want to have another thing (ie Twitter, Myspace, email, work email, a BLOG) to check up on each night. So what does he do???? He posts a blog that indirectly references me. So...NOW...I HAVE TO BEGIN A BLOG SO I CAN COMMENT ON HIS!!! I knew he'd find a way (my vanity) to get me to start a blog here. Thanks Mid!!!!