2020 and Panda-what?

 Dear Reader,

It's been a bit, hasn't it?  I don't get on here much because "I've been working on the railroad all the live long day."  I'm showing my age Dear Reader! Do our kids even get taught this song anymore?  Probably not. 

So, it's been just shy of two years since I've imparted my wisdom upon you.  I guess it is time for more wisdom...or maybe just an accounting of what 2020, 2021 and a Pandemic has been like for me. 

2020 went by SOOOOO fast.  I remember the first three months...you know, the ones where we weren't in lock down! But the rest of it is a blur! I gave my car away to one of my kids. I bought a big, new(er) truck, we drove to Virginia to visit the other kid and we drove to Maine to see one of our adopted kids get married but the rest...I dunno what happened! I know I gained about 20 pounds...guess I made up for not going to traditional college and getting that "freshman 15." I drank A LOT of wine (who didn't?) and it prompted me to do a Dry January to kick off 2021.

2021...not sure where that went either. I did go see balloons and in the span of 4 days went from 31 feet above sea level to 10,000 feet above sea level. Do you know how difficult it is to breath up there?? I quit not one but two jobs (the great resignation is true!) and started two new jobs! I engaged in an epic nerf gun battle at the memorial of a dear friend lost to us a few years ago. I reconnected with some friends I hadn't seen for 20-30 years. I came to terms/peace with some personal demons. And, I became a redhead to match my new (to me) convertible!  But yah, I think that all happened last week (it didn't.) 

I'm not sure what the end of 2021, or 2022, will bring but there are some concrete things happening that I know about. My younger son is getting transferred to Norfolk so he and his family are moving 14 hours away from us (insert pouty face here.) My oldest son is planning on getting out of the Navy. My nephew (third son) is getting married. And,  I (and many of the people I grew up with) am turning 50 next summer. And I'm looking forward to spending less time working and more time playing...maybe even, dare I say...more time blogging!

The Season of Kindness?? Here is my Festivus.

Hello Dear Reader!

Christmas. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Boxing Day. Omisoka. Saint Nicholas' Day. St. Stephen's Day. Yule. Festivus. These are just a few of the holidays celebrated by the world in a matter of days/weeks.  OK...I added the last one, but that is because I need to air my grievances to all of you.

I live on Facebook...it's how I feel, and stay, connected to a lot of you.  I get to see your family celebrations, your family sorrows, your milestones.  Facebook helps me with that sense of belonging I'm always searching for.  But damn, some of you really need to grab a cup of coffee, a beer, a glass of wine, or a shot of whiskey and just scroll through what you're posting.  Look at it from an objective point of view...ask yourself...if my husband/wife/son/granddaughter/friend....posted this, how would my interpretation of THEM be impacted? Ask yourself, in my effort to "be funny" am I 1) perpetuating hate, 2) increasing the spread of falsehoods, 3) putting others down to make myself feel superior? 

Lately I'm seeing a lot of "If (blank) offends you, then (blank)" or "And all of the sudden a (insert your favorite insult for those who are different from you), though (blank) would happen."  So, now we WANT to offend each other.  Now we WANT to make other people feel uncomfortable? And sadly, most of this is coming from god fearing Christians.....your message isn't one of pride in your values and traditions.  Your message is one of intolerance. Your message is being drowned out in your desire to ram your values and traditions down the throats of others who do not believe in the same things as you.

Isn't Christmas all about kindness and giving?  I mean, I'm agnostic but I didn't start out that way and I know a fair bit about the bible (both the historical and the fiction.)  Mary and Joseph were allowed the use of a manger.  Three wise men traversed the desert with gifts.  God gave his only begotten son....KINDNESS and GIVING. Yet, here you are, acting like a bunch of bullies who are upset because those more tolerant than you are attempting to include everyone in the "holiday" season.

Every year it gets worse. And let's be clear...this isn't just about the holiday season and your imaginary war on Christmas. This time of year, you know the one that is supposed to bring out the best in us, is bringing out the worst in you. Every year you feel embolden to act like a petulant child. Each year, we treat each other more poorly than the last.  What happened to civility? decency? compromise? What happened to embracing our differences and allowing those differences to open our minds, and hearts, to new and exciting things?  What happened to just being kind? Hell, what happened to thinking before we speak/act/post?

STOP tearing other people down. START building each other up. STOP thinking the world revolves around you and your way. START appreciating each other's differences.

So, Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah....and Joyous (insert YOUR holiday here)! And all you need to say in reply to me is "You too!" because that's how adults act.

Returning Demons

Dear Reader,

This may be my very first "drunk" blog post.  OK...I'm not exactly drunk...but I am under the influence.  The "influence" actually brings out some really deep seeded emotions that I keep hidden from myself, but most importantly, from others.

Here's the thing dear reader....my formative years were a bit tumultuous (insert sarcasm here.)  My family faced all sorts of hardship and I could list them all and your eyes would glaze over.  Or maybe you'd think "Oh geez, another sob story."  So why bother you with the mundane details?  Suffice it to say, that when you're  eleven years old to .... oh your mid 20s....it's significant and unique to you at that time. Mom was sick, brothers were assholes, Dad couldn't cope. A sad, sordid tale of mental illness, behavioral indiscretions, poverty and physical/verbal abuse.  You know, the kind you hid from the kids at high school only to learn around your 20th reunion that a lot of you were never alone in this experience!

Events over the last week have brought a lot of this stuff SCREAMING to the forefront of my brain.  A person, I didn't realize was pivotal in my NOT ending up in a crack whore house, passed away. Followed by the "official" news that my 14 year old transgender nephew was once again in the hospital for suicidal intention...oh and had been for over 2 weeks. This has all come crashing into my consciousness...boy do I wish it stayed in my subconsciousness.

Here is the thing Dear Reader....you can never escape this!  I find myself suddenly reverted back to my teenage-self full of hormones, teenage angst and feelings of low self-worth and inadequacies...not to mention feeling like I simply do not fit in ANYWHERE (square peg round hole anyone?)   Some of those were certainly typical "teenage girl" feelings...but some of them were born from a very uncertain, scary time of my life. It makes me feel  vulnerable and exposed. To say that I hate this is an understatement...a HUGE understatement!

Early tonight someone, who I could give two shits about, spoke to me about not being involved in said nephews life/trials/tribulations.  Someone with absolutely NO clue what I went through growing up.  Someone with NO clue about the demons that I carry with me.  Someone who I warned TWO years ago that my nephew had some issues that clearly needed psychological intervention!   Everything from a very difficult time of my life resurfacing all at once!  Not in a wave...but in a tsunami.  This isn't fair!  This person was judging me without ANY of the facts.  This person made me feel stupid, small, insignificant, deficient.

I gave this asshole way too much power over me....my deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy and lack of belonging allowed this to happen.  I can't change this.  I don't know how to change my own personal mindset.  I could spend hours (and I would need hours) to explain to him how and why I am who I am but I don't want to...he means nothing to me (even if I did let him get to me.) And really, it wouldn't change his perception of me....and do I really care?  No...I care more that I let him put me back in this place of feeling inferior and insignificant....I need to find a way to stop myself from falling into this trap.

Dear Reader...you can never escape your earlier years.  They make you who you are today...it's your choice to like that person or not.  We all have demons to wrestle with...mine come with a nasty bite.  Your early years define you for decades, for the rest of your life.  Your choices are to embrace it or hide from it.  I need to learn how to embrace it so I stop hiding from it.

Racism, Echo Chamber and Prejudice

Dear Reader,

Bear with me a minute while I publicly process what's going on in my head.  I promise I won't be calling any of you racists or say you're prejudice....my blog, so it's all about me!

I won't belabor what all Americans have seen over the last year and half, but especially over the last few months.  Suffice it to say that along with millions of my fellow citizens, I feel sucker punched. This is a wake up call, hopefully for the entire nation but also for myself.

Let's wind back to Saturday November 5, 2016.  Kip and I were going to a local gun shop to look at what was available for purchase for 9mm.  We pull into a parking lot the "correct" way and a car from out of state pulls in against the "correct" way and causes us to stop our truck quickly before parking.  He pulls into a spot, erratically backs up, and then parks in a different spot.  We decided to park far away.  As we're getting out of the truck to go to the gun shop, a black man is getting out of the out of state car.  He's got an AK-47 hung around his shoulder and a pistol tucked into the back waistband of his pants.  And immediately our minds went to places about mass destruction, election night looting/rioting, and other nefarious ideas.  Inside the gun shop, he was looking for large amounts of ammo and couldn't get it there.

Now, Maine is an open carry state, but this is the first time I've seen anything more than a pistol in public.  Openly carrying a weapon like this would shock me anyway.  But...where my mind went when I saw WHO was carrying it....well, let's just say I was shocked and immediately thought...jesus christ, I'm a racist!!! I just totally racially profiled this guy!  I was appalled with myself.  But it confirmed that I voted for the president I felt that would help stop this way of thinking.

Fast forward to Tuesday/Wednesday...it's all just a blur to me.  I was on the local ballot for a County Commissioner seat so some of the results really did affect me personally.  I watched in disbelief as a temperamental, openly hateful man stole our election.  His "rigged" election seems to be in his favor. I was not the only racist in this country...there were over fifty five million other ones.  I cried, I screamed, I rocked myself in comfort.  I went off on my kids for not voting...not voting for me and not voting against this bastard.  I was an emotional wreck and totally and completely irrational.  Most of you who really know me can attest that this is a bit out of character.  I tend to keep a lot of stuff tucked inside my head.  These kinds of emotions are saved for only a few people and it's very private.  I was alone but I still let the emotions slipped out to others close to me.

Wednesday I was in a huge funk.  I barely ate.  I hardly moved.  I certainly didn't watch TV.  I actually watched Christmas movies (again ask my friends how unlikely this is) because I had to believe there was still hope in the world and what has more hope than a Christmas movie?  I started reading "The Handmaid's Tale" because it was referenced a lot on social media.  I engaged with very few people.  My emotions were raw and I was simply not sure 1) how to process everything, 2) how to reconcile what our country has done with my own world view, and 3) who I was.  I won't bore you with all of the details.  Suffice it to say that it was a day for reflection.

I interacted with one friend who said something to me that really came off very sexist and racist.  I won't post it here, I won't call that person out.  All I know is that on a day where emotions were very high across our entire nation, this was the absolutely wrong thing to say.  I called them out on what they said and the response was more anger and accusations instead of an acknowledgement that perhaps this wasn't the time and those weren't the words.  Of course, I'm just a progressive, sensitive, pussy, libtard right?  Of course I took offense to what was said...I care too much about political correctness.  Or at least, that is what I knew I would soon be accused of.  And I pretty much was accused of those things in the retort of being tired of being called "racist" and "sexist."  And I saw this played out thousands of times over and over again on social media.  We, the nation, needed a moratorium on talking with each other about this.  Emotions were high across the board.

So, let's move forward to my echo chamber.  I'm not sure who posted it on Wednesday but someone mentioned that they had created their own echo chamber.  They cut out the static of what the right was saying/posting.  So, they were insulated, by their own hands, from what the other side was truly saying.  I did the same thing...I un-followed friends that consistently re-posted fantastical tales and memes put out by the alt-right.  I tried to reason with these people and say that this was uncategorically false information.  I tried to show them where the information was wrong.  I asked people to stop using insults, to start using people's proper names....to stop being obnoxious and rude to each other.  When none of that worked...I un-followed, un-friended, and sometimes even blocked.  It was not because I am intolerant.  I'm not...I try to listen to everyone.  But, I can't stand the obnoxious behavior and incessant posting of shit that is simply untrue or extremely rude and obnoxious.  The hate for people different than themselves was terrifyingly alarming.  I followed this process with extreme lefts and rights.  But, when I did this...I created my very own echo chamber.  And that, is BAD!  Because underneath all of their rantings and grasping at whatever made them feel justified in their viewpoints the truth of why they feel the way that they do.  And, I stopped listening.  I stopped trying to get beneath the crap to what is the source of their own personal anger and frustration.   I don't know when I will re-follow those un-followed...or eat crow and send a message of apology for blocking people...I'm not there yet.   But I will get there.

So, how does all of this lead to prejudice?  I had a candid conversation with a woman I've only met once but have been friends with for over 10 years ( you know who you are).  And she helped me put into perspective my earlier horror at being a racist.  She asked me how I would have felt had the AK-47 been strapped to a white guy.  And you know what...I still would have thought about death, destruction, looting, nefarious acts being carried by that person (see prejudice below).  I don't see a person's skin color...I see their eyes, their smiles, the body language.  I believe that every human being is precious and can achieve great things given the right opportunities.  She pointed out to me that what I exhibited was not racism but prejudice.  You see racism is feeling superior to others while prejudice is having a certain expectation of a person based on subjective factors (age, sex, color, gender, etc.)

I see ALOT of prejudice on social media these days....and the past days...and I suspect the coming days.  We're all guilty of it in some form.  Think all Trump supporters are racist?  That's prejudice.  Think all Democrats are bleeding heart liberals intent on taking your guns away?  That's prejudice.  Think a black man with a gun is going to shoot up a local church?  Prejudice.  I could go on with my examples....but since this is about me, let's bring it back.  I have prejudice...and apparently, I have a lot more than I thought.  Some of that comes with the "privilege" of being a white woman.  Some of it comes from growing up and living in a mostly Caucasian area.  And some of it it because I haven't taken the time to identify it and rectify it.  I've got a lot of work to do.  And if our country is honest with themselves...we ALL do!

WOE is me!

Beginning a new way of eating (WOE) isn't simple nor easy.  It really doesn't matter which program you're choosing.  If you're looking to make a lifestyle change, and not simply a diet that you'll forget about as soon as you've reached your goal....then you've got to do some work ahead of time.  You must research the way of eating, the theory behind it, the physiology, the science, and then, finally the mechanics of it. 


A ketogenic diet  was so much different than my "normal" (we'll wait to call this former) way of eating.  Restricting your net carbs to 25 (later in the week I changed that to 20) is hard to do.  It's easy to cut the carbs that are in front of your face: bread, pasta, dessert, alcohol.  What is more difficult is understanding the hidden carbs in almost every food you eat.  Fruits and veggies have natural sugar in them, and that gives them carbs!  Spinach has carbs, broccoli has carbs, green beans have carbs!  They are EVERYWHERE.  It's like a bad dream where you can't make turn without them taking over your day.   I knew to expect this. I read almost everything I could about this diet.  What foods to eat freely, what foods to eat in moderation, and what foods to avoid (all my favorites of course!)  And still....I was not as prepared as I thought I was....I needed supplements (magnesium and potassium), I needed oils, almond flour, coconut flakes, hemp seed, raw nuts, different types of meats.  My pantry and my refrigerator look completely different than they have ever looked.  They are filled with a small fortune of healthy food just right for my new WOE.

But you know what....Keto is hard!  I had the ingredients (and bought a few on the way) and I had the research.  I've made some pretty amazing meals (anything from omelets to variations of cauliflower rice).  And I saw that scale move....nearly 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks. Sure, sure...a lot of that is water weight, I get it.  But it still moved....A LOT!  Then....Saturday came along.....

I decided it was time to freshen up my pedicure and treat my mom to her first one ever.  The new salon I picked served a complimentary drink....I couldn't resist the offer of a glass of wine, even if it was white. And that sent my day totally and completely out of control!  Kip and I went out to dinner and while my dinner selection was keto friendly (bunless cheeseburger with salsa and a side of greenbeans) my drink selection was not...one beer, led to two beers.  Then we got home and it led to opening a fresh bottle of wine.  My body wanted the carbs so badly.  Just as I was hitting keto flu, I introduced a level of carbs my body hadn't seen in over a week and it stop my process in its tracks!  Sunday was a new day and I got back on track.

Monday saw the consequences of my reverting to old habits...I gained almost 2 pounds back that I had lost!  And it's not coming off as easily as it came back on.  But, I got back on track.  I noticed my fitbit syncing with myfitnesspal was sending my macros all over the place....so I quickly removed that functionality.  Keto is hard...but when I come downstairs in the morning, I don't have to take one step at a time.  I eat a large breakfast/lunch and am usually completed satiated until dinner time.  Keto is hard...but it's becoming a bit more easy as I go along.

I'll leave you with one of my breakfast/lunches from this past week.  I took leftover grilled chuck steak and sliced it thinly (4oz), I added 2oz of sliced green peppers, and 1.5 oz of sliced onions.  I sauteed this in 2 tbsp of coconut oil  Once the onions and peppers were cooked to my liking, I plated them and fried two eggs.  Overall this meal was 555 calories, 6g of carbs, 44g of fat, 37 grams of protein.

Discovering a whole new way of eating

Dear Reader

Full disclosure....I am clinically obese.  And by obese, I mean I am FAT!  I don't view this word negatively, unless I'm watching "Family Guy."  It is who I am, however, I do not let it define me.  I'm also short, curvy, sexy, smart and logical.  I have awesome hair, an amazing figure, and my boobs are a sight to behold.  All of my medical tests show me to be a very healthy fat person.  I do suffer from joint inflammation and pain which often ends up derailing any weight loss I try, simply because it hurts when I move.  I also suffer from boredom eating and really, really enjoy my wine!

A few weeks ago, I had this grand idea to buy a bicycle. Being over 250lbs, I'm extremely cognizant of weight restrictions....on EVERYTHING. I even ordered a $160 ladder for our pool because I was fearful of the flimsy one that came with it.  I'm over 40 and injury prone, I do not need to help that!  So, I found that most bicycles that you can buy at your local retail store have a weight restriction of 250lbs.  As of today, I weigh 276....something I am NOT proud of!  I was hesitant to buy a bike that I was simply too large for.  I was devastated and felt very ashamed of myself.  How did I let this happen?  But most importantly....how do I change this?!?!?!?

Enter a Keto diet.  In very simple terms, a keto diet is low in carbs, high in fat, and moderate in protein.  It is designed to turn your body into a fat burning machine, rather than a sugar burning machine.  It is similar to paleo in many ways, but it's still very different.  A good friend of mine introduced me to it not long after my bicycle discovery.  So, I researched it and found that this diet is commonly used to treat a variety of diseases including (but not limited to) epilepsy, diabetes, and cancer. I read real person accounts of how this diet has stopped joint inflammation, sleep apnea, and other obesity related ailments.  Keto is hard....at least right now it is.  It's taking your customary way of eat (WOE) and turning it upside down....if you decide to research and try this, you'll see what I mean when it promotes using lard and bacon fat.  Not to mention the dozens of eggs you'll find yourself eating.

I choose a start date of 8/1/2016.  It was my birthday and a Monday...so it just seemed appropriate.  After reading about induction flu (the flu like symptoms you experience as your body moves into ketosis), I found that a few side effects could affect my vertigo.  With a balance test scheduled for 8/9/2016, I decided to hold off on starting Keot until today, 8/8/2016.

I decided to begin with really watching my carbs, saying goodbye to some of my favorite non-Keto friendly foods (watermelon, pizza, pasta, alcohol, etc), and researching even more to discover recipes, tactics, etc.  I joined a keto challenge (you can find a lot of information on www.ketodietapp.com) and bought a few books.

I have enjoyed making some recipes including Almond Cashew Butter, Ghee (clarified butter), Bacon Olive Omelets, Bacon Egg Tomato Skillet and a few others.  I cleaned out my pantry of anything that could trip me up.  I bought expense coconut oil, almond oil, coconut flakes.  I'm drinking up to 100oz of water a day (some with a touch of Himalayan pink salt to help with electrolytes) and I'm going into this with an open mind.

I KNOW I'm going to struggle.  I know that evenings will be difficult for me.  I know that boredom eating will trip me up.  But I also know that I need to do this!  I need to fit on a bicycle and not worry about damaging the frame.  I need to know that I can sit comfortably on an airplane and not spill over into someone else's seat.  I need to know I can go to Hogwarts and Universal Studios and enjoy the rides!

I am a beautiful person with some very unique super powers.  I am not doing this to enhance my beauty...I am doing this to enhance my life!

So, stick with me dear reader and we'll journey together.  Feel free to nudge me when I haven't posted in awhile.  And when all else fails...keep your super hero buddies close by!

Disconnecting to Reconnect

Two children turning 18, one going into the US Navy. A parent passing away. Four moves in less than a year. Health scares. New job. Car problems. Graduate School. Terminally ill parent. And a special new baby being born.  That is a quick summary of the last 24 months.  A lot of stress and pressure to build up until your whole world bursts.

All it took was one week, seven days, to relieve that pressure. We left on May 9th, turned the data off on our phones and disconnected from our entire world.  No text messages, no emails, no facebook, no phone calls.  Just Kip and I. I expected a long week of bickering and disagreements.  I expected that our very varied interests wouldn't compliment each other and we'd spend time looking at each other wonder just what the hell to do next. After 27 years as a couple, and many of those surrounded by lots of other people, I feared that we just wouldn't know what to do with our self-imposed isolation from our world.

Every 5-10 years our relationship goes through another evolution.  The last one, we finally allowed ourselves to accept that we, and each other, were no longer that 14 girl and 17 year old boy. We allowed ourselves, and each other, to grow up...and discovered that we actually not only still loved each other but we LIKED each other.  This evolution was about the transition into our "middle ages."  Our nest will be empty.  Our parents are aging. After 20+ years of focused attention on two boys who needed our love, guidance and support...we know have a little less focus there.  Where does it go?  How do you cope with the next stage in your life?  Well, the answer is simple: TOGETHER.  We're not joined at the hip by any stretch of the imagination and enjoy many activities that the other does not.  But when it comes right down to it, we walk this path side by side. Sometimes I'm in front, sometimes Kip is in front, but when it matters we are hand in hand, side by side.

We disconnected from our world and reconnected with each other that further cements our solid foundation, mutual admiration and respect, and deep rooted, unwavering love.  I couldn't have asked for a better lifemate!