Has it really been a year and a half since I blogged??? So, I had to ask myself why? Well, first I thought I would start with the question: why do any of us blog? I suppose we've got something to say and hope that someone wants to hear us. For me....I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. In fact, I've tentatively started a book titled "Outside Looking In." It is semi-autobiographical. Mostly because I'm not imaginative enough to come up with something new. Besides, like Harry Potter, my adolescence wasn't exactly an easy road to follow. There were no BFF's, no parents with the financial resources to acquiesce to your every whim. Life was extremely hard for me.
I used to lament that I had no close friends....from childhood, and now, to adulthood. Making those connections has always been difficult for me. And I have to wonder why. At 36, I like who I am. I would be friends with me. Some reflections on my own actions....a task that only comes with age and maturity...I realized that my walls in middle and high school were so high that it was nearly impossible for anyone to get through. I was, quite plainly, a bitch. If I had something to say to you, I just said it. Regardless of your reaction...regardless of your feelings. I felt that utter honesty was the best policy, no matter the consequences.
For those old high school classmates reading this.....did you know that since the age of 12, I struggled with a suicidal mother. After suppressing years and years of child molestation, my mother finally woke up at 32 and started to remember it all!!! Her response was various and numerous attempts to take her life. Around the same age, I became "mom" in my house in all actions except the bedroom. I helped my father raise my little brothers. I helped him manage our money. I disciplined, took the calls from the Auburn PD, cooked, cleaned, shopped. I grew up so much faster than everyone around me that by the time we were all in high school, there was little anyone could really offer me. And I knew that, if only subconsciously.
I knew that there were more important things in life than what store at the mall you got your clothes at, or what John Smith said about Jane Doe in the cafeteria. Yet, I had no way to tell anyone. I wasn't aware of it myself, consciously. So, for those who found me aloof, bitchy, standoffish, I apologize. I accept my part for not "fitting in." I have connected with some of you in the last few months and I realize....you really are nice people. And you probably were 20 years ago. I was just so closed off back then, that I couldn't see it myself.
So, I've got a recommitment for my blog. I want this to become a place where people can reflect on their lives and maybe help that someone dealing with that hard issue. Give advice. Share hard times and how you got through it. I may tell memories about my past that are hard to hear. I will always change names....other than my own...to respect privacy...but this wont' be semi-autobiographical. This will be candid and true. And sometimes, it might be hard to read.
I'm not asking for apologies or sympathy. Really, what's done is done. This is my cathartic way of excersing old demons and destroying old walls. If I've remembered a memory incorrectly or you recognize it and want to show a different point of view, I welcome that. After all, I only saw it through my microscope, yours might be a lot different.
4 comments:
Hey there. I've had much the same thoughts over the years about walls and walls and walls, that I built around me, and for many of the same reasons that you mentioned. We should definitely talk about this. For now, I'll just say, I know what you mean.
With the passing of Andrew Wyeth, I thought it would be appropriate to mention that his work titled "Christina's World" always felt misnamed to me. And I've always thought of it as "Outside Looking In." It wasn't until I took an Art History course in college that I understood Wyeth's intention with this painting. I still see it as "Outside Looking In" but it holds dual value for me.
You are quite a writer with a strong voice!
I suspect that you have quite a lot to say, with your unique & intense life experiences.
One think you never were, as far as I can see, is aloof or bitchy: through the personal contact I've had with you, I see you as someone who understands tolerance, acceptance & justice.
Keep writing: you should be heard!
Thank you David, the compliment is really appreciated. I've always had a desire to write. I just don't think I had either the organization or the drive. Unemployment helps you focus on such things.
Post a Comment