It's been a bit since my last post....mostly because I had my internet shut off to save some money. I mean, I have a blackberry so any online stuff that "NEEDS" to be done can be done on that. The boys can use the internet at school and the library...and even though I left a horrible work environment, I took a $750/month hit in my finances...OUCH!!! My brother, who's living with us, got the internet hooked up in his name this week. I didn't realize how much I missed the internet...thanks Bob Chuck!!! (His nickname is a story for another time.)
I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. Recently my Aunt Grace passed away. She had Alzheimer's and was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I was unable to see her before her passing and I was unable to get to Connecticut for her funeral. But, I believe this was the catalyst for my "hard time." Aunt Grace and my grandmother were nearly the same age...only Grandma passed away nine years ago on 3/14. Her death was a HUGE loss for me...at times insurmountable. Then I got news that my Uncle Dave was given two months left to live because of his cancer. Does it ever end? And still, I can't get to CT to visit with my family before they pass. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Earlier this week, I had some pretty horrible words with my youngest son. I love Matthew more than anything in the world. His positive attitude and need to make people laugh inspire me. He's more intelligent than he gives himself credit for (and more than testing can show) and I believe he can become a successful adult...but he's also my biggest challenge. I said some things that I really shouldn't have said to him. Later, I went to apologize to him and he was on the phone with my mother. That one simple act caught me completely off guard. I mean, I know he calls her when he's upset and I'm extremely grateful that he has her for that. It's exactly what I used to do with my grandmother....for so long, she was my rock. I got through my younger years because of three distinct people: Mr. Neal, Kip and Grandma. Without them...I don't want to think about where I would be right now.
As I apologized to him and went downstairs to put myself in a time out...I couldn't stop thinking about WHY him being on the phone with my mom bothered me so much. It's a special relationship and is probably going to be something that helps him leave my home sane....and then it dawned on me...as I struggle to raise him and deal with his teenage issues, the one and only person I want to talk to in my grandmother. I want to call her and tell her how much of an ass he's being, how he doesn't respect me and most importantly, how I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to hear her voice telling me that I'm being silly. I want to feel the warmth of her love for me over the phone and her embrace through what she's saying. I desperately miss that. I didn't realize how much until recently. I thought I had dealt with her passing, but it's become apparent to me that I've been in denial for many years...and perhaps that is my way of keeping her alive.
And because I have no "good" way of ending this post, I will end it here...sitting on my couch with the sunlight coming through my window and heating the back of my neck.
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