Cosmic Meanderings

Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader.  Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better.  I have had so many downs...and so few ups.  I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments.  As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why???  Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???

I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth.  I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything.  I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person.  I know that I am innately good.  But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who  are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble.  They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!!  EVER!!!!  Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality.  They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.

I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that.  Or rather, I used to feel that way.  I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility.  (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble.  I don't want to think the world revolves around me.  I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises.  I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love. 

It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly.  It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly.  Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles. 

You love deeply, dear reader!  Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply.  When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you.  You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled.  Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.