January 22, 2009 to January 22, 2010
A lot can happen in a year. Last year at this time I was unemployed, sitting at home, going stir crazy begging anyone for a job. This year, I've got a new job (second one in the last year), I've grown a lot and learned alot about myself and about relationships. So, let's reflect on the last year.
Career: Well I was introduced to the DR (Direct Response) industry. I saw an ad for a US Hispanic Call Center looking for a Client Services Account Manager, Spanish is not necessary. So, I applied...figured it was a long shot. Two interviews later, I was at least intrigued and at most happy to have more than $300/week coming into our bank accounts. Little did I know that my eyes would be opened to a wonderful opportunity and to an industry that I knew I wanted to make my career. The company (if you've read an earlier post) didn't turn out to be the best company to work for...I can't recall that I've worked for a worse manager in my life. After my last post, called "Humiliation," I had another turn in with the said manager and spent another 45 minutes being berated. I never went back. I couldn't stomach it. I knew that I was putting my family into a dire financial situation....but Kip and I both agreed that the stress from working there wasn't worth it anymore. Three weeks later, I scored a job as a media buyer for a local media company. I'm buying 30 minute radio spots for two specific campaigns. I miss campaign management, but this is definitely an opportunity to use what I've learned to affect a different aspect of DR. Viva la media buying!
Friends: Well, we built a good relationship with another couple, only to have it crumble a week or so ago. In reality, that crumble started as a crack sometime around Thanksgiving. While the blame resides with all four participants...it soon became clear to me that one of us was allowed to express her full gamut of emotions and everyone else must suck it up and deal with it...and not EVER express themselves fully. And no, it wasn't me. The ending of this friendship happened this week...and today Kip and I were told that we were not lepers but just not friend material...whatever the hell that means. All I know is that I feel less stress now that I'm not worrying so much about reactions.
I've repaired a friendship that at times could have gone south. This woman has truly become my best friend. Not only can I tell her anything...but she's got my back when I need my back gotten...But she'll also let me fall on my face when I need to. After I've fallen on my face, she'll help pick me up and tell me why. We've, admittedly, had our issues...but we work on them and I have to say it's one of the most adult friendships that I've ever had and I love her dearly.
Kip and I have begun a new friendship with this amazing couple. They are slightly older than us, but seemed to have followed the same life path. High school sweethearts, children at a young age and totally and extremely connected. As far as an adult-couple friendship, I can see this one going far and wide. We all have fun together...laughing so much that our sides split and our cheeks ache the next morning. We've discussed vacationing together...our children have met and it just seems like a perfect fit. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Children: Well, both boys are teenagers now. Matthew has had several girlfriends and Aaron is with his first. Odd with Aaron being the oldest. Both boys are doing great...Matthew is growing up in regards to taking responsibility for his actions...he has some more work to do there, but I have faith that he will be a fine, upstanding young man. Aaron is in his sophomore year in school and we're looking at the prospect of him "leaving the nest" in a few years. As I watch him grow, I can't help but remember the collicky baby that I wanted to see if he could bounce....now, he could pick me up and drop me!
Love: Wow, love...what is there to say about this topic. Love comes in many forms. I've learned that you can definitely love more than one person at a time...that love just comes in many forms. For instance, I've felt love for someone this past year and that love opened some doors I'd shut a long time ago. I'm playing my clarinet again and part of a band (sort of...practices haven't been attended, but that should change next week) and have reclaimed my passion for expressing myself in this way. This was a HUGE part of my life and who I was in my formative years. To have it back is a godsend. I've also met someone who makes me smile as soon as they say "Hi" almost everyday. They are sweet, generous, sensitive, and a whole source of other adjectives. Kip...you know, I'm not sure how much love I can feel for this man...each day it grows stronger and stronger. He's my foundation, he's my rock, he's my pillar, he's my support. This man knows me better than anyone else in the world. Recently someone accused us of having an unstable relationship....I think they are dead wrong. In fact, I think we have one of the strongest relationships that I know about (save our new friends) and I look forward to spending every single day of the rest of my life with him.
2010: I'm an evens person. I love even numbers. Therefore, this is MY year. Things will fall into place for me...there will be balance and harmony. And I will share it with those around me who have my respect, admiration, friendship and love.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Humiliation
Recently, at work, I've had the pleasure of feeling backed into a corner. Now, not much different from our four legged friends, when I feel backed into a corner, I tend to "fight back." In an effort to stop the barrage, I uttered a sentence that 1) I didn't mean as it was received and 2) I'll never forget. "XXXX, what do you want me to do, I am sitting here feeling like I can't do my job and I should give my two weeks notice." At that point, my two week's notice was accepted. But the barrage continued....until when asked why I didn't know something inside and out....I replied that during the time that this item was on my plate, I was working nearly 70 hours a week getting 7 high importance items launched....something was bound to fall through the cracks. This particular item...I knew there was someone else that knew it inside and out...we worked as a team...and did a great job!
So, I was sent home to think about if I wanted to "retract" the two weeks notice I never gave. The next morning, prepared to eat crow I felt I didn't deserve, I waited patiently for my VP to come in. He eventually showed up just at the start of our morning team meeting and proceeded to humiliate me in front of our entire team. It appears that my campaigns will be disbursed to the rest of the team and I will "sit with them and train." This was on the ninth month anniversary of my employment there. I was mortified, embarassed and humiliated. Had I resources available, I would have packed my stuff and left at that moment...but I need to be responsible. The humiliation continued throughout the next few hours. I was no longer the "lead Account Manager" on accounts that I have managed, grown and nurtured for nine months! I was to do the work, but others would make the decisions. And everyone knows about this...my coworkers are not stupid.
Knowing that I need this job, knowing that I like what I'm doing...and with the counsel of a great friend (thank you Mid), I decided to approach this as an opportunity to learn more. To take information from my co workers and apply it to what I'm doing. I know I do my job very well...but I also know I'm not perfect. Learning other ways to look at the data, presenting the data, and their processes...will not only help me when I'm struggling...but if I ever become a manager, it gives me a view of a different learning style.
Well, yesterday started...I did my end of week reports, then found out...after I sent them...they needed to be reviewed by the new "Lead AM's." This, however, wasn't communicated to me by my immediate supervisor. It appears that she's not talking to me. Ignoring someone is a sign of a stunted maturity in my opinion...especially if you are that person's manager. What kind of manager ignores their employees? How is that good management? What philosophy does that follow?
Everything happens for a reason....I need to believe that right now. I need to hold onto that. My "two week training period" seems an awful lot like a transition of power, so to speak. I suspect that after the first of the year, I'll be terminated. I don't need to be retrained. In fact, not too long ago, I was told how well I performed when training other people. They are merely setting themselves up so if I leave, their most challenging campaigns/clients will be taken care of. Good business sense maybe, poor people management.
So, I was sent home to think about if I wanted to "retract" the two weeks notice I never gave. The next morning, prepared to eat crow I felt I didn't deserve, I waited patiently for my VP to come in. He eventually showed up just at the start of our morning team meeting and proceeded to humiliate me in front of our entire team. It appears that my campaigns will be disbursed to the rest of the team and I will "sit with them and train." This was on the ninth month anniversary of my employment there. I was mortified, embarassed and humiliated. Had I resources available, I would have packed my stuff and left at that moment...but I need to be responsible. The humiliation continued throughout the next few hours. I was no longer the "lead Account Manager" on accounts that I have managed, grown and nurtured for nine months! I was to do the work, but others would make the decisions. And everyone knows about this...my coworkers are not stupid.
Knowing that I need this job, knowing that I like what I'm doing...and with the counsel of a great friend (thank you Mid), I decided to approach this as an opportunity to learn more. To take information from my co workers and apply it to what I'm doing. I know I do my job very well...but I also know I'm not perfect. Learning other ways to look at the data, presenting the data, and their processes...will not only help me when I'm struggling...but if I ever become a manager, it gives me a view of a different learning style.
Well, yesterday started...I did my end of week reports, then found out...after I sent them...they needed to be reviewed by the new "Lead AM's." This, however, wasn't communicated to me by my immediate supervisor. It appears that she's not talking to me. Ignoring someone is a sign of a stunted maturity in my opinion...especially if you are that person's manager. What kind of manager ignores their employees? How is that good management? What philosophy does that follow?
Everything happens for a reason....I need to believe that right now. I need to hold onto that. My "two week training period" seems an awful lot like a transition of power, so to speak. I suspect that after the first of the year, I'll be terminated. I don't need to be retrained. In fact, not too long ago, I was told how well I performed when training other people. They are merely setting themselves up so if I leave, their most challenging campaigns/clients will be taken care of. Good business sense maybe, poor people management.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Vacation......
My first day of vacation I found myself awake at 6:30am. My first thought was...what the hell??!?!?!? So, I shifted positions, my husband's arms around my waist, and practiced some deep breathing techniques in hopes that I would soon fall back to sleep and slumber until a more respectable vacation wake up time. 6:45am, and my mind is racing...I didn't finish reports for work, my kitchen needs to be cleaned up, the dining room "remodel" needs to be finished, I have to go to Auburn to get the new computer desk....STOP!!! I scream silently to myself. It's vacation....no worry zone!!
I close my eyes and try visualizing myself laying in the sun on a warm day. The heat radiating my face, seeping into my cells, my psyche, my soul, rejuvenating me. Muscles relaxing, mind relaxing....NOPE...7:00 am and I give in. Not able to take it anymore, I slip out of bed, get myself dressed in something more respectable than my birthday suit, and go out to the living room. My dining room is looking good with it's new coat of paint, my dining room table...now in the kitchen...is covered with various items: a monitor, cpu, keyboard, cups, salt and pepper shaker....but I make room for my laptop.
And the first thing I do is check my work email???? What is wrong with me? Well, given the volume of emails I receive in a day, it's probably good to at least check them....less catch up when I return to work. Right? Right? Ok, I am trying to convince myself. I admit it. I'm addicted to working...and I'm working on it...I really, really am. In fact, I shut down my work email. And now, I'm simply surfing the web, I forgot what that was like.
So, back to my story...I was sitting at the table, laptop powered up, cup of ice water to my right....and nothing else. I could hear every creak in the house. My niece snoring in the living room (I think she has sleep apnea.) The monitor heater occasionally turning on to heat the house. I think I even heard a mouse scampering through the walls...yes, we have mice. Please do not tell my mother. The dog was pacing upstairs, probably waiting for his boy to wake up and bring him outside.
About an hour later, movement started to become more pronounced. Matthew came downstairs. The dog started to ask to be brought out. My brother made coffee. Aaron turned on the computer in the living room. Coffee pot brewing, computer humming, people stretching, dogs whining....my house was waking up.
I've been alone in my home before, usually in the afternoons on Saturdays. Sitting at my table, iced water to my right, I enjoyed the sounds of my home waking up. That is a good way to start a vacation.
I close my eyes and try visualizing myself laying in the sun on a warm day. The heat radiating my face, seeping into my cells, my psyche, my soul, rejuvenating me. Muscles relaxing, mind relaxing....NOPE...7:00 am and I give in. Not able to take it anymore, I slip out of bed, get myself dressed in something more respectable than my birthday suit, and go out to the living room. My dining room is looking good with it's new coat of paint, my dining room table...now in the kitchen...is covered with various items: a monitor, cpu, keyboard, cups, salt and pepper shaker....but I make room for my laptop.
And the first thing I do is check my work email???? What is wrong with me? Well, given the volume of emails I receive in a day, it's probably good to at least check them....less catch up when I return to work. Right? Right? Ok, I am trying to convince myself. I admit it. I'm addicted to working...and I'm working on it...I really, really am. In fact, I shut down my work email. And now, I'm simply surfing the web, I forgot what that was like.
So, back to my story...I was sitting at the table, laptop powered up, cup of ice water to my right....and nothing else. I could hear every creak in the house. My niece snoring in the living room (I think she has sleep apnea.) The monitor heater occasionally turning on to heat the house. I think I even heard a mouse scampering through the walls...yes, we have mice. Please do not tell my mother. The dog was pacing upstairs, probably waiting for his boy to wake up and bring him outside.
About an hour later, movement started to become more pronounced. Matthew came downstairs. The dog started to ask to be brought out. My brother made coffee. Aaron turned on the computer in the living room. Coffee pot brewing, computer humming, people stretching, dogs whining....my house was waking up.
I've been alone in my home before, usually in the afternoons on Saturdays. Sitting at my table, iced water to my right, I enjoyed the sounds of my home waking up. That is a good way to start a vacation.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
What song is in your head?
Music is the soul of life...at least that's my opinion. For every single major moment of my life, there's a song associated with it. Some are musically brilliant songs, some aren't great musically, but their message is clear. When I think about meeting my husband "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" by Glen Medeiros. Our wedding: "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. The death of my grandmother "I Will Remember You" and "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan. When I'm angry "Winter" by Vivaldi. When I need peace "Mozart's Clarinet Concerto" uh...by Mozart, I think. I could go on and on and on. Sometimes I'm not even aware that these songs have these connections for me. The song plays and I instantly go there...suspended in time for a few moments.
I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.
My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.
There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.
What song is stuck in your head?
I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.
My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.
There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.
What song is stuck in your head?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mid-Life Crisis or Growing Into Me?
Happy Halloween Weekend!!!!
Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?
But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!
And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.
Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?
But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!
And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Missed two days....sometimes life explodes around you
I was on a roll..working out, feeling good...taking control. This is my destiny and my journey and I'm the only one who can derail me.
Then, I got the call....."Velma, you need to come home and bring Dad to the hospital, he's got a hernia and he needs surgery." So....I rush home, pick up dad and drive back into Portland. I stayed at the hospital, in his room until 9pm. The doctor told me what they"suspected" was wrong and what the treatment would most likely be. But, because Dad has COPD and a whole host of health problems even the littlest surgeries become big and dangerous. I left the hospital Thursday night fully expecting to return Friday morning with him in surgery.
It's now Saturday, still no surgery. In short....they don't know what is wrong with him! I missed the gym yesterday as I spent 7 hours at the hospital anxiously waiting for results from test after test after test. We've gone from an intestinal blockage, to salmonella poisoning, to a pulled lumbar muscle, to a hernia, to a blockage and now....to who knows what....stressful to say the least.
I haven't been to the gym today either and I really don't want to go. I want quiet reflection and alone time. Perhaps I will go out and sweep the driveway...it's still exercise and good, hard exercise at that....stay tuned dear reader! This will only be a small derailment, I promise.
Then, I got the call....."Velma, you need to come home and bring Dad to the hospital, he's got a hernia and he needs surgery." So....I rush home, pick up dad and drive back into Portland. I stayed at the hospital, in his room until 9pm. The doctor told me what they"suspected" was wrong and what the treatment would most likely be. But, because Dad has COPD and a whole host of health problems even the littlest surgeries become big and dangerous. I left the hospital Thursday night fully expecting to return Friday morning with him in surgery.
It's now Saturday, still no surgery. In short....they don't know what is wrong with him! I missed the gym yesterday as I spent 7 hours at the hospital anxiously waiting for results from test after test after test. We've gone from an intestinal blockage, to salmonella poisoning, to a pulled lumbar muscle, to a hernia, to a blockage and now....to who knows what....stressful to say the least.
I haven't been to the gym today either and I really don't want to go. I want quiet reflection and alone time. Perhaps I will go out and sweep the driveway...it's still exercise and good, hard exercise at that....stay tuned dear reader! This will only be a small derailment, I promise.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Day....I lost count!
OK Dear Reader, I know it's been nearly a week since my last blog. But seriously, I've been busy. OK...maybe not extremely busy, but still. Last Friday was day 10 and my half day at work. I left work and promptly went to the gym even though I didn't want to. It was tough!!! The first 10 minutes were brutal and I considered getting off the treadmill after 15 minutes. Instead, I changed the channel on the television, and got back on the treadmill and finished my 30 minute work out.
The rest of the weekend was my birthday weekend!!! Thirty seven years have gone by since I was born...funny how that seemed old when I was 10. As usual, I spent some of my time reflecting...but the best part of the weekend was the absolutely gorgeous day on Saturday, my birthday! I got to sun, swim, and lounge in the lake. I sat on the porch with loved ones, soaked up some rays and enjoyed some wine. I didn't care what I ate...all I cared is that I enjoyed my day...and I did.
Monday morning came and I couldn't wake up in the morning...so, I didn't go to the gym. BUT, I did bring my gym clothes so that I could stop in after work. Boy was that tough. I was driving home and the sleepies were creeping in. I came to my turnoff and I really, really wanted to keep going. But......I turned and grudgingly went into the gym...and did my full work out. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt....but....I felt good!!!
I got home all calmed down and spent. And I slept ok that night. So, this week, I've gone to the gym every day after work. I've concentrated on making good food choices...no matter how difficult, but I'm trying...and that's the important thing.
Last night, I finally broke down and measured myself...not a fun (or easy task) imagine this obese woman trying to wrap a measuring tape around her body and trying to read it! I really should have a web cam following my life. ;-)
The rest of the weekend was my birthday weekend!!! Thirty seven years have gone by since I was born...funny how that seemed old when I was 10. As usual, I spent some of my time reflecting...but the best part of the weekend was the absolutely gorgeous day on Saturday, my birthday! I got to sun, swim, and lounge in the lake. I sat on the porch with loved ones, soaked up some rays and enjoyed some wine. I didn't care what I ate...all I cared is that I enjoyed my day...and I did.
Monday morning came and I couldn't wake up in the morning...so, I didn't go to the gym. BUT, I did bring my gym clothes so that I could stop in after work. Boy was that tough. I was driving home and the sleepies were creeping in. I came to my turnoff and I really, really wanted to keep going. But......I turned and grudgingly went into the gym...and did my full work out. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt....but....I felt good!!!
I got home all calmed down and spent. And I slept ok that night. So, this week, I've gone to the gym every day after work. I've concentrated on making good food choices...no matter how difficult, but I'm trying...and that's the important thing.
Last night, I finally broke down and measured myself...not a fun (or easy task) imagine this obese woman trying to wrap a measuring tape around her body and trying to read it! I really should have a web cam following my life. ;-)
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