Disconnecting to Reconnect

Two children turning 18, one going into the US Navy. A parent passing away. Four moves in less than a year. Health scares. New job. Car problems. Graduate School. Terminally ill parent. And a special new baby being born.  That is a quick summary of the last 24 months.  A lot of stress and pressure to build up until your whole world bursts.

All it took was one week, seven days, to relieve that pressure. We left on May 9th, turned the data off on our phones and disconnected from our entire world.  No text messages, no emails, no facebook, no phone calls.  Just Kip and I. I expected a long week of bickering and disagreements.  I expected that our very varied interests wouldn't compliment each other and we'd spend time looking at each other wonder just what the hell to do next. After 27 years as a couple, and many of those surrounded by lots of other people, I feared that we just wouldn't know what to do with our self-imposed isolation from our world.

Every 5-10 years our relationship goes through another evolution.  The last one, we finally allowed ourselves to accept that we, and each other, were no longer that 14 girl and 17 year old boy. We allowed ourselves, and each other, to grow up...and discovered that we actually not only still loved each other but we LIKED each other.  This evolution was about the transition into our "middle ages."  Our nest will be empty.  Our parents are aging. After 20+ years of focused attention on two boys who needed our love, guidance and support...we know have a little less focus there.  Where does it go?  How do you cope with the next stage in your life?  Well, the answer is simple: TOGETHER.  We're not joined at the hip by any stretch of the imagination and enjoy many activities that the other does not.  But when it comes right down to it, we walk this path side by side. Sometimes I'm in front, sometimes Kip is in front, but when it matters we are hand in hand, side by side.

We disconnected from our world and reconnected with each other that further cements our solid foundation, mutual admiration and respect, and deep rooted, unwavering love.  I couldn't have asked for a better lifemate!

Milestones and the Empty Nest

Greetings Dear Reader!

Two posts in the same year....you must be wondering what the hell is going on in my head if I'm actually going to have a post two months apart!

Life is about learning and growing and moving on.  A lot of milestones and passages are occurring all around me, the last few years have been full of them! My best friend is having her first baby at the age of 47.  Yes, 47!!!  Believing that this was an experience she would never have, she was surprised to find out that she was 5 1/2 months pregnant.  The baby's expected delivery date is May 12th...my 24th wedding anniversary.  I guess I can't yell at her for not even getting us a card, huh?

My oldest will be twenty at the end of summer and is experiencing some adult joys and disappointments.  He's handling them with strength and grace. He hasn't been home in four months, not the longest absence, but still a long time to be away from home.  This time around, he's adapting more quickly.  He doesn't complain about hating his duty station or the general area as much as he did the first few times he came home.  Bittersweet, if you ask me.  I always want him to miss being home.  But I also want him to pave his own road, make his own and be independent.  Even if that means I am too far away to go running to his side when he has a car accident. (Yep, that did happen and thankfully, he was ok.  Still hurts when you can't check the boo boos yourself.)

That vacation I mentioned in my last post?  16 days away!!!  We won't have a carte blanche vacation.  But seriously, Kip and I are fairly low maintenance and don't need to eat at the best places, buy the "expensive" jewelry or take that submarine dive.  We just need time to disconnect and be us.  It's the perfect way to culiminate a tough two years.

Graduate school...OH MY GOD!  I didn't realize just how taxing it would be.  I'm nearly done my first class, and truthfully, I should be preparing my power point presentation rather than blogging.  But I have learned so much in six weeks! I can't wait to see what the rest of this program brings.

The biggest milestones happening in our life this year are that our youngest son is turning 18 (in a few days) and going to college.  I'm not sure which surprises me more. That he actually made it to 18 without me damaging him or that he's going to college!  He was not the child I expected to go to college.  He's barely making it through high school.  We had a tour of his school last week and I've got to say, I'm really impressed.  Mostly with him. He's really matured a lot in the last few years.  He's more of a responsible adult than most of the people five to ten years older than him.  He has a lot of growing and learning left to do...but he's really pulled himself around and I don't think I need to worry as much.  I'll still worry, I am a mom after all...just not about as much.

We'll have an "empty nest."  Our boys will be far enough away that planning days in advance needs to occur.  No quick trips up the road to get that hug from both of them.  That will be the hardest part for me.  But, I know that this is a normal progression and I am most certainly not the first mom to deal with it. We'll have an empty nest, but never an empty heart.  We've passed as much knowledge and experience on as we could...now it's time for both of our boys....no, our young men....to see what they can do with it.  To so what they can experience and learn.  Fly high and safe...and never forget where your nest is!

Balance

Hello dear Reader,  it's been awhile, I know.  Suffice it to say that June 2012 to November 2013 was a very, very trying time for me.  Finances were a mess.  We moved not once, not twice, not three times...but four times. I got diagnosed with degenerative disc disease after being in excruciating pain for weeks. I finally quit that horrible company I worked for.  I started a new job. My oldest son entered his adulthood by joining the US Navy.  And perhaps most importantly, my father passed away.

Life sucked.  Nothing seemed to be good. Everything was crashing down around me and I didn't know where to turn. Some friendships turned out to be very disappointing.  The loss of my dad and my oldest son, my "mini me," leaving for his new adventures left me looking at the rest of my life and wondering just what the hell was I going to do.  How to move forward? How to make sense of all the chaos?

Balance was the key....I needed to find balance. I needed to balance the good with the bad.  I need to take an inventory of people, things, stuff in my life and see where each lay.  And I found that so much stuff was on the bad side that I was constantly falling off my personal, metaphysical, balance beam.

Step 1: Remove the bad stuff you CAN control.  I ended some relationships that were very toxic. I tackled some financial stuff. I ended employment with a company that cared less about it's human capital than a Chinese sweatshop. I uncluttered my life physically by getting rid of unwanted stuff in my living space. I stopped a lifestyle choice that wasn't working for me or my family.  I started watching the food I put in my mouth. True, I still have some financial issues and my son being gone and my dad passing still hurt more than I can express....but I can't control some of these.

Step 2: Foster the good stuff you CAN control. I started to cultivate and nurture my healthy relationships beginning with myself, moving onto my husband, children, my mother, my best friend and those friends that I really kept on the outside looking in.  I opened myself up a little bit. I did an in depth analysis of our finances.  I saw where we were needlessly spending money.  I saw where I could actually start working on paying old credit problems and get them off my credit report. I got a new job at a company that I LOVE!  The benefits are awesome, my coworkers rock and I can see me being here for a LONG time. I started walking and joined a gym.  I continue to organize my physical living space. And you know those issues I can't control?  I try my hardest to let them go.

Step 3: Maintain the balance while growing.  Not easy for sure.  But, I'm starting classes next month to pursue my graduate degree. I can't express just how much I LOVE learning.  I could be a professional student if I had unlimited financial resources. Kip and I are taking our first ever vacation...in twenty four years of marriage! I'm fostering some new relationships and fostering my place in my work life. I'm planning on doing a few 5K's this year. Mostly, I'm taking things with a little more of a grain of salt than I used to.

I'd like to see that these changes are starting to be noticed. I'm looking better.  I'm feeling better, physically and mentally. I have a confidence I never really had before.  And each day, I continue to try to take stock in my life and continue to keep things balanced.

2014 is the year for balance.

My Eulogy for My Dad

Michael A Mitchell

9/28/1951 - 4/21/2013

My Dad

My father will not be read about on the news or in the history books.  There will be no eulogies from celebrities and no paparazzi sneaking snapshots of those in attendances today.  But my father was a great man.

When I think of my father, I think of the middle child of eleven children.  A man who lost his brother and father before the age of 25.  A man of meager means, but full of heart.  A man who struggled between who he was and who he wanted to be and how to get there.  He loved greatly and never gave up on anyone.  He instilled in me the qualities such as: unconditional love, compassion, integrity, hard work, devotion, humor and security.

My father left a piece of him in everyone he touched.  When I look at all of you, I see bits of my father everywhere.  I see brothers and sisters with that all too familiar Mitchell snout and huge smile.  I see a family bonded together by undying love.  When I look at Michael, I see the dreamer.  The get rich quick plans like rubbermaid garage door with automatic garage door opener.  Dad probably thought of this way back in the 70's when my  "precocious" toddler brother "drove" the car through my Grandpa Well's garage door.

When I look at Charlie, I actually see my dad at 34, when I was 11.  That big smile, Mitchell nose, beautiful thick hair and twinkle in his eyes when he's up to no good.

When I look at Victoria, I see the stubbornness.  Oh, the stubbornness! Even to the end he said "We have to do this MY way."  Victoria, use this stubbornness to help you get the things that truly, truly matter in life.

When I look at Matthew, I see the jokester.  The desire to lighten up any situation, to elicit an infections smile.  The message is that life is too short to take anything, but especially ourselves, too seriously.  When I look at Aaron, I see not just the dreamer but the do-er.  Before Aaron embarked on his adulthood with the Navy, I could always count on him to get stuff done.  The do-er with a dream of great things and the means to get them done.

As each of you say your final good byes to my dad, think of the part of him that he left with you.  KNow that even at the end of his journey, he still was a dreamer, eye-twinkler, stubborn, do-er, jokester.

Thankful

It's been a year where it's been difficult to find something to be thankful for at times...looking at the bright side was becoming exhausting, even depressing.  I spent so much time thinking of ways to lift those around me up, that I lost track of lifting myself up as well.  It's been a year of big, big changes.  Most notably, our oldest son graduated high school, turned 18, oh...and entered the United States Navy.  My mini-me...one quarter of our family, one quarter of the balance in our little family has moved out of our nest.  And I use nest "loosely" because at the time that most of this was happening...we were living in my best friend's basement...unfinished basement.

It's been a humbling year...and we're not done yet.  We've (hopefully) hit the financial rock bottom...decades of bad money  management caught up with us.  I've started a new job...but have been seen as the "dumb one" in the position.  My children have made huge accomplishments that magnified that they are rapidly moving on towards their next chapter...adulthood.  I've been told I was loved but treated like I wasn't more than gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I've had to move my father into a home separate from mine for the first time in eight years.  I've had two "adopted" children bond to my heart only to leave on their own paths.  I've made some serious mistakes...and have had some serious slaps in the face.

And through it all...I've had the most important thing in front of me....I've had the most important people in my life.  A handful of close friends, and a new friend, who don't cease to make me smile.  My mother in law...once upon a time, I thought she hated me.  Now, I'm proud to say she's my "Mom in law"....emphasis on MOM.  My parents...both ill in their own way...wouldn't hesitate to talk to me when I'm upset or pat my back when they think I've done good.  They would never kick me when I'm down and the rest of the world is taking it's kidney shots.  My children...my god, I don't even know where to start...both funny, intelligent boys with sparkling personalities (no they are not vampires!) and huge ambitions.  Both would step in front of a bullet for me, and I them.  And most importantly, my husband....twenty five years and going strong.  Twenty five tough years of learning and growing, fighting and loving...and through it all...I get to sleep at night with my best friend...the only person on this earth that truly gets to see the "real" me.

So, while I've had a lot to not be thankful for....I still have the most important things that I need to honor today...and every day. 

Summertime Blues

What a world!  Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own.  Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs.  We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down.  We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.

I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.

Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience!  Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything!  I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month. 

It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure.  My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence.  There is no gain without sacrifice...right? 

Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness.  Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.

Hidden

 I saw this painting at an art show at the Abrahadbra Oasis almost two years ago...and was immediately drawn to it.  So, I purchased it...and am considering making some of it my next tattoo.

What do I see?  I see a woman who's been locked up emotionally.  Every thing in her life bottled up, by her own design or by others, it matters not.  All that matters is that it's been bottled up like a 2 liter of Coke with a package of Mento's dropped in and the cap placed back on.  Hidden....festering...bubbling...until she can't take it anymore and she explodes. Her hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears, joys, everything comes exploding out of her....the oxygen igniting it all, increasing the flames of truth, reality, feeling until it consumes everything around her. 

What do I see?  I see me.  I see the young girl that learned early on to build her walls so high that no one can climb them.  I see the young woman she became who put her needs, wants, desires aside for those important to her.  Cared for them, helped them achieve their wants, needs, and desires to the best of her ability....above her own.  I see the woman on the brink of entering "Middle Age."  Her "job" as mother, nurturer, educator is rapidly changing.  Her children's no longer view her as the center of her world...but now an important cornerstone. 

I see a woman who still, for the most part, feels hidden.  Hiding from the world and being hidden from the world by others.  I see a woman struggling to let herself out...to feel, want, need, desire.  I see a woman who is tired of being hidden.  I don't want to be hidden anymore.  I want to be happy with who I am...and I want those around me to be happy that I'm a part of their life, in every capacity...I want them to be proud of me.  I want to stop hiding...and I want to stop being hidden.

Big changes are coming in my life...now seems to be a good time to stop hiding.