Moving Forwards by Moving Backwards?

Yesterday was "going backwards" day for me.  I spent the day with people who I haven't seen in twenty years or more.  The first part of the day was spent at the surprise 40th Birthday Party for someone who graduated two years before me...but left a huge impression on my life during my high school years.  To help her enter into this new decade of life were other high school friends.  I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed these people.  The last part of the day was spent at my 20th Reunion. 

I usually dread going to these things...even though I "helped" with setting it up.  I didn't always feel like I fit into any group/clique at school...perhaps I did that to myself more than anything...but everyone seemed so set and I always felt like I had to try so hard to be part of the conversations, planning, just plain being liked.  I always felt like I was on the outside looking in (see an older post.)  But at the same time, I also felt like I had this huge secret to hide.  My  mother was suicidal and often in the psych wards across the state.  I was helping my father raise my brother's....who were so far from angels.  And I didn't want anyone to know what was going on.  A few people really close to me did, but for the most part...I think everyone might have just thought I was the standoffish girl who couldn't afford to go to Tabers, Roys, the Mall....so why bother asking.  And from my point of view....I perhaps just tried too damn hard to fit in.  I should have just stayed true to myself instead of trying to encompass the personalities and likes of those around me.  I should have not been ashamed of my life....after all, it made me who I am today....and I'm kinda liking me, for the most part.

One of the things I found most interesting last night was the comments on my facebook posts and my blogs.  At first I wasn't sure how to take them....some of my facebook posts are done at really bad times and someone should really take my phone away...some of them I honestly post to make people scratch their heads and see if they are paying attention.  As for my blog...this space is for me...this is my therapy.  I share it because, selfishly, I'm hoping that some thing in here helps someone....maybe gives that teenage gir,l in a seemingly impossible situation, some insight and respite.  But one of the things I realized in the last 36 hours is that sometimes to move forward, you have to move backwards.  You have to revisit the past, find those people that made you feel good and relive it...get a good firm grasp of who you were in order to become who you will be.