In and Out. Left and Right. Forward and Backward. Light and Dark. On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post. I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm. A lot of humbug kind of stuff. Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them.
That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy. I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm. But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster. I've fallen into and out of relationships. I've lost incredible family members, including my god father. I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job. I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled. I've felt valued and dismissed. And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.
I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche. Over the last 15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt. This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year. I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable. What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life? What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?
Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world. I don't know how to find my way. I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years. Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.
Happy New Year Dear Reader! My glass is raised to each and every one of you. May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!
1 comment:
Up and down...I refuse to feel the victim any longer. This year I grab the world and shake it for all its worth. Things will fall off my world, things will hang on, their choice. If they hang on, we may be in for one heck of a ride. I wonder who will be strong enough to hang on...i vow to not give another thought to those who fall off my world. i vow to love with my whole heart those still in my world.
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