Change

Dear Reader,

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post...my thoughts have been dark and random and focused on a lot of stuff...Most importantly...all of the changes in my life.  Changes happening, changes to come...and changes I want to make. Thank you to those who have been asking me to blog...to talk...to share.  I've listened...I've just shared silently.

I don't even know where to start...I just know that I need to do this. Big happenings going on.  My youngest son's best friend moved in with us in January of this year.  He stayed with us until mid-April and left for basic training May 1.  A precursor of events to come...I cried, I lamented, I worried...and I still think about him every day.  Is he ok?  Is the Army beating him up?  I can't wait for him to come home.  I can't wait to see my youngest have his best bud back for a bit.

We're moving in with friends.  We just can't get our finances straightened out where we are at now...and something drastic needs to happen.  My dad and my brother Mike are going to share an apartment.  This will mean that for the first time in eight years, my dad will not be living with me.  Freedom?  Reprieve?  Sanity returns?  All of the above?

Perhaps the biggest change...is my "buddy" growing up and moving into adulthood.  Pictured here are Aaron and I in late September of last year.  A good friend took a ton of pictures for his senior picture...I decided that I needed one with him.  This is it!  I have a special bond with both of my boys...but each bond is different.  In 8 days, Aaron graduates from high school.  In 58 days, he leaves home and enters the US Navy.  Fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, pride, love, and many, many other emotions are experienced all at once.  This boy...this young man...came into my life when I thought all hope was lost.  Kip was stationed on a ship in Italy.  I lived over there with him...dark days.  I remember trying to get second degree sunburns on my feet so the Navy would have to send him home.  I remember dropping a large rock on my ankle to try to break it...so the Navy would send him home.  What kept me from doing something more drastic was this little boy who depended on me for EVERYTHING.  Unconditional love at it's greatest.  His smile warmed me.  His need gave me purpose.  He was all at once, my everything and my life line. 

I didn't once think about my life in 18 years when he would be no longer be a part of my daily life...when he would begin his journey that we helped prepare him for....LIFE.  Now, that time is upon us...and I don't know if I can cope with it.  I know that I don't have a choice.  And I'm immensely proud of him...and I know he's well prepared for this and will do extremely in whatever path he chooses.  I'm just sad that a large part of my life is changing.  Scared about what it means for me.  More changes to come...more to process...more to learn and grow through...