2020 and Panda-what?

 Dear Reader,

It's been a bit, hasn't it?  I don't get on here much because "I've been working on the railroad all the live long day."  I'm showing my age Dear Reader! Do our kids even get taught this song anymore?  Probably not. 

So, it's been just shy of two years since I've imparted my wisdom upon you.  I guess it is time for more wisdom...or maybe just an accounting of what 2020, 2021 and a Pandemic has been like for me. 

2020 went by SOOOOO fast.  I remember the first three months...you know, the ones where we weren't in lock down! But the rest of it is a blur! I gave my car away to one of my kids. I bought a big, new(er) truck, we drove to Virginia to visit the other kid and we drove to Maine to see one of our adopted kids get married but the rest...I dunno what happened! I know I gained about 20 pounds...guess I made up for not going to traditional college and getting that "freshman 15." I drank A LOT of wine (who didn't?) and it prompted me to do a Dry January to kick off 2021.

2021...not sure where that went either. I did go see balloons and in the span of 4 days went from 31 feet above sea level to 10,000 feet above sea level. Do you know how difficult it is to breath up there?? I quit not one but two jobs (the great resignation is true!) and started two new jobs! I engaged in an epic nerf gun battle at the memorial of a dear friend lost to us a few years ago. I reconnected with some friends I hadn't seen for 20-30 years. I came to terms/peace with some personal demons. And, I became a redhead to match my new (to me) convertible!  But yah, I think that all happened last week (it didn't.) 

I'm not sure what the end of 2021, or 2022, will bring but there are some concrete things happening that I know about. My younger son is getting transferred to Norfolk so he and his family are moving 14 hours away from us (insert pouty face here.) My oldest son is planning on getting out of the Navy. My nephew (third son) is getting married. And,  I (and many of the people I grew up with) am turning 50 next summer. And I'm looking forward to spending less time working and more time playing...maybe even, dare I say...more time blogging!

The Season of Kindness?? Here is my Festivus.

Hello Dear Reader!

Christmas. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Boxing Day. Omisoka. Saint Nicholas' Day. St. Stephen's Day. Yule. Festivus. These are just a few of the holidays celebrated by the world in a matter of days/weeks.  OK...I added the last one, but that is because I need to air my grievances to all of you.

I live on Facebook...it's how I feel, and stay, connected to a lot of you.  I get to see your family celebrations, your family sorrows, your milestones.  Facebook helps me with that sense of belonging I'm always searching for.  But damn, some of you really need to grab a cup of coffee, a beer, a glass of wine, or a shot of whiskey and just scroll through what you're posting.  Look at it from an objective point of view...ask yourself...if my husband/wife/son/granddaughter/friend....posted this, how would my interpretation of THEM be impacted? Ask yourself, in my effort to "be funny" am I 1) perpetuating hate, 2) increasing the spread of falsehoods, 3) putting others down to make myself feel superior? 

Lately I'm seeing a lot of "If (blank) offends you, then (blank)" or "And all of the sudden a (insert your favorite insult for those who are different from you), though (blank) would happen."  So, now we WANT to offend each other.  Now we WANT to make other people feel uncomfortable? And sadly, most of this is coming from god fearing Christians.....your message isn't one of pride in your values and traditions.  Your message is one of intolerance. Your message is being drowned out in your desire to ram your values and traditions down the throats of others who do not believe in the same things as you.

Isn't Christmas all about kindness and giving?  I mean, I'm agnostic but I didn't start out that way and I know a fair bit about the bible (both the historical and the fiction.)  Mary and Joseph were allowed the use of a manger.  Three wise men traversed the desert with gifts.  God gave his only begotten son....KINDNESS and GIVING. Yet, here you are, acting like a bunch of bullies who are upset because those more tolerant than you are attempting to include everyone in the "holiday" season.

Every year it gets worse. And let's be clear...this isn't just about the holiday season and your imaginary war on Christmas. This time of year, you know the one that is supposed to bring out the best in us, is bringing out the worst in you. Every year you feel embolden to act like a petulant child. Each year, we treat each other more poorly than the last.  What happened to civility? decency? compromise? What happened to embracing our differences and allowing those differences to open our minds, and hearts, to new and exciting things?  What happened to just being kind? Hell, what happened to thinking before we speak/act/post?

STOP tearing other people down. START building each other up. STOP thinking the world revolves around you and your way. START appreciating each other's differences.

So, Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah....and Joyous (insert YOUR holiday here)! And all you need to say in reply to me is "You too!" because that's how adults act.

Returning Demons

Dear Reader,

This may be my very first "drunk" blog post.  OK...I'm not exactly drunk...but I am under the influence.  The "influence" actually brings out some really deep seeded emotions that I keep hidden from myself, but most importantly, from others.

Here's the thing dear reader....my formative years were a bit tumultuous (insert sarcasm here.)  My family faced all sorts of hardship and I could list them all and your eyes would glaze over.  Or maybe you'd think "Oh geez, another sob story."  So why bother you with the mundane details?  Suffice it to say, that when you're  eleven years old to .... oh your mid 20s....it's significant and unique to you at that time. Mom was sick, brothers were assholes, Dad couldn't cope. A sad, sordid tale of mental illness, behavioral indiscretions, poverty and physical/verbal abuse.  You know, the kind you hid from the kids at high school only to learn around your 20th reunion that a lot of you were never alone in this experience!

Events over the last week have brought a lot of this stuff SCREAMING to the forefront of my brain.  A person, I didn't realize was pivotal in my NOT ending up in a crack whore house, passed away. Followed by the "official" news that my 14 year old transgender nephew was once again in the hospital for suicidal intention...oh and had been for over 2 weeks. This has all come crashing into my consciousness...boy do I wish it stayed in my subconsciousness.

Here is the thing Dear Reader....you can never escape this!  I find myself suddenly reverted back to my teenage-self full of hormones, teenage angst and feelings of low self-worth and inadequacies...not to mention feeling like I simply do not fit in ANYWHERE (square peg round hole anyone?)   Some of those were certainly typical "teenage girl" feelings...but some of them were born from a very uncertain, scary time of my life. It makes me feel  vulnerable and exposed. To say that I hate this is an understatement...a HUGE understatement!

Early tonight someone, who I could give two shits about, spoke to me about not being involved in said nephews life/trials/tribulations.  Someone with absolutely NO clue what I went through growing up.  Someone with NO clue about the demons that I carry with me.  Someone who I warned TWO years ago that my nephew had some issues that clearly needed psychological intervention!   Everything from a very difficult time of my life resurfacing all at once!  Not in a wave...but in a tsunami.  This isn't fair!  This person was judging me without ANY of the facts.  This person made me feel stupid, small, insignificant, deficient.

I gave this asshole way too much power over me....my deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy and lack of belonging allowed this to happen.  I can't change this.  I don't know how to change my own personal mindset.  I could spend hours (and I would need hours) to explain to him how and why I am who I am but I don't want to...he means nothing to me (even if I did let him get to me.) And really, it wouldn't change his perception of me....and do I really care?  No...I care more that I let him put me back in this place of feeling inferior and insignificant....I need to find a way to stop myself from falling into this trap.

Dear Reader...you can never escape your earlier years.  They make you who you are today...it's your choice to like that person or not.  We all have demons to wrestle with...mine come with a nasty bite.  Your early years define you for decades, for the rest of your life.  Your choices are to embrace it or hide from it.  I need to learn how to embrace it so I stop hiding from it.

Racism, Echo Chamber and Prejudice

Dear Reader,

Bear with me a minute while I publicly process what's going on in my head.  I promise I won't be calling any of you racists or say you're prejudice....my blog, so it's all about me!

I won't belabor what all Americans have seen over the last year and half, but especially over the last few months.  Suffice it to say that along with millions of my fellow citizens, I feel sucker punched. This is a wake up call, hopefully for the entire nation but also for myself.

Let's wind back to Saturday November 5, 2016.  Kip and I were going to a local gun shop to look at what was available for purchase for 9mm.  We pull into a parking lot the "correct" way and a car from out of state pulls in against the "correct" way and causes us to stop our truck quickly before parking.  He pulls into a spot, erratically backs up, and then parks in a different spot.  We decided to park far away.  As we're getting out of the truck to go to the gun shop, a black man is getting out of the out of state car.  He's got an AK-47 hung around his shoulder and a pistol tucked into the back waistband of his pants.  And immediately our minds went to places about mass destruction, election night looting/rioting, and other nefarious ideas.  Inside the gun shop, he was looking for large amounts of ammo and couldn't get it there.

Now, Maine is an open carry state, but this is the first time I've seen anything more than a pistol in public.  Openly carrying a weapon like this would shock me anyway.  But...where my mind went when I saw WHO was carrying it....well, let's just say I was shocked and immediately thought...jesus christ, I'm a racist!!! I just totally racially profiled this guy!  I was appalled with myself.  But it confirmed that I voted for the president I felt that would help stop this way of thinking.

Fast forward to Tuesday/Wednesday...it's all just a blur to me.  I was on the local ballot for a County Commissioner seat so some of the results really did affect me personally.  I watched in disbelief as a temperamental, openly hateful man stole our election.  His "rigged" election seems to be in his favor. I was not the only racist in this country...there were over fifty five million other ones.  I cried, I screamed, I rocked myself in comfort.  I went off on my kids for not voting...not voting for me and not voting against this bastard.  I was an emotional wreck and totally and completely irrational.  Most of you who really know me can attest that this is a bit out of character.  I tend to keep a lot of stuff tucked inside my head.  These kinds of emotions are saved for only a few people and it's very private.  I was alone but I still let the emotions slipped out to others close to me.

Wednesday I was in a huge funk.  I barely ate.  I hardly moved.  I certainly didn't watch TV.  I actually watched Christmas movies (again ask my friends how unlikely this is) because I had to believe there was still hope in the world and what has more hope than a Christmas movie?  I started reading "The Handmaid's Tale" because it was referenced a lot on social media.  I engaged with very few people.  My emotions were raw and I was simply not sure 1) how to process everything, 2) how to reconcile what our country has done with my own world view, and 3) who I was.  I won't bore you with all of the details.  Suffice it to say that it was a day for reflection.

I interacted with one friend who said something to me that really came off very sexist and racist.  I won't post it here, I won't call that person out.  All I know is that on a day where emotions were very high across our entire nation, this was the absolutely wrong thing to say.  I called them out on what they said and the response was more anger and accusations instead of an acknowledgement that perhaps this wasn't the time and those weren't the words.  Of course, I'm just a progressive, sensitive, pussy, libtard right?  Of course I took offense to what was said...I care too much about political correctness.  Or at least, that is what I knew I would soon be accused of.  And I pretty much was accused of those things in the retort of being tired of being called "racist" and "sexist."  And I saw this played out thousands of times over and over again on social media.  We, the nation, needed a moratorium on talking with each other about this.  Emotions were high across the board.

So, let's move forward to my echo chamber.  I'm not sure who posted it on Wednesday but someone mentioned that they had created their own echo chamber.  They cut out the static of what the right was saying/posting.  So, they were insulated, by their own hands, from what the other side was truly saying.  I did the same thing...I un-followed friends that consistently re-posted fantastical tales and memes put out by the alt-right.  I tried to reason with these people and say that this was uncategorically false information.  I tried to show them where the information was wrong.  I asked people to stop using insults, to start using people's proper names....to stop being obnoxious and rude to each other.  When none of that worked...I un-followed, un-friended, and sometimes even blocked.  It was not because I am intolerant.  I'm not...I try to listen to everyone.  But, I can't stand the obnoxious behavior and incessant posting of shit that is simply untrue or extremely rude and obnoxious.  The hate for people different than themselves was terrifyingly alarming.  I followed this process with extreme lefts and rights.  But, when I did this...I created my very own echo chamber.  And that, is BAD!  Because underneath all of their rantings and grasping at whatever made them feel justified in their viewpoints the truth of why they feel the way that they do.  And, I stopped listening.  I stopped trying to get beneath the crap to what is the source of their own personal anger and frustration.   I don't know when I will re-follow those un-followed...or eat crow and send a message of apology for blocking people...I'm not there yet.   But I will get there.

So, how does all of this lead to prejudice?  I had a candid conversation with a woman I've only met once but have been friends with for over 10 years ( you know who you are).  And she helped me put into perspective my earlier horror at being a racist.  She asked me how I would have felt had the AK-47 been strapped to a white guy.  And you know what...I still would have thought about death, destruction, looting, nefarious acts being carried by that person (see prejudice below).  I don't see a person's skin color...I see their eyes, their smiles, the body language.  I believe that every human being is precious and can achieve great things given the right opportunities.  She pointed out to me that what I exhibited was not racism but prejudice.  You see racism is feeling superior to others while prejudice is having a certain expectation of a person based on subjective factors (age, sex, color, gender, etc.)

I see ALOT of prejudice on social media these days....and the past days...and I suspect the coming days.  We're all guilty of it in some form.  Think all Trump supporters are racist?  That's prejudice.  Think all Democrats are bleeding heart liberals intent on taking your guns away?  That's prejudice.  Think a black man with a gun is going to shoot up a local church?  Prejudice.  I could go on with my examples....but since this is about me, let's bring it back.  I have prejudice...and apparently, I have a lot more than I thought.  Some of that comes with the "privilege" of being a white woman.  Some of it comes from growing up and living in a mostly Caucasian area.  And some of it it because I haven't taken the time to identify it and rectify it.  I've got a lot of work to do.  And if our country is honest with themselves...we ALL do!

WOE is me!

Beginning a new way of eating (WOE) isn't simple nor easy.  It really doesn't matter which program you're choosing.  If you're looking to make a lifestyle change, and not simply a diet that you'll forget about as soon as you've reached your goal....then you've got to do some work ahead of time.  You must research the way of eating, the theory behind it, the physiology, the science, and then, finally the mechanics of it. 


A ketogenic diet  was so much different than my "normal" (we'll wait to call this former) way of eating.  Restricting your net carbs to 25 (later in the week I changed that to 20) is hard to do.  It's easy to cut the carbs that are in front of your face: bread, pasta, dessert, alcohol.  What is more difficult is understanding the hidden carbs in almost every food you eat.  Fruits and veggies have natural sugar in them, and that gives them carbs!  Spinach has carbs, broccoli has carbs, green beans have carbs!  They are EVERYWHERE.  It's like a bad dream where you can't make turn without them taking over your day.   I knew to expect this. I read almost everything I could about this diet.  What foods to eat freely, what foods to eat in moderation, and what foods to avoid (all my favorites of course!)  And still....I was not as prepared as I thought I was....I needed supplements (magnesium and potassium), I needed oils, almond flour, coconut flakes, hemp seed, raw nuts, different types of meats.  My pantry and my refrigerator look completely different than they have ever looked.  They are filled with a small fortune of healthy food just right for my new WOE.

But you know what....Keto is hard!  I had the ingredients (and bought a few on the way) and I had the research.  I've made some pretty amazing meals (anything from omelets to variations of cauliflower rice).  And I saw that scale move....nearly 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks. Sure, sure...a lot of that is water weight, I get it.  But it still moved....A LOT!  Then....Saturday came along.....

I decided it was time to freshen up my pedicure and treat my mom to her first one ever.  The new salon I picked served a complimentary drink....I couldn't resist the offer of a glass of wine, even if it was white. And that sent my day totally and completely out of control!  Kip and I went out to dinner and while my dinner selection was keto friendly (bunless cheeseburger with salsa and a side of greenbeans) my drink selection was not...one beer, led to two beers.  Then we got home and it led to opening a fresh bottle of wine.  My body wanted the carbs so badly.  Just as I was hitting keto flu, I introduced a level of carbs my body hadn't seen in over a week and it stop my process in its tracks!  Sunday was a new day and I got back on track.

Monday saw the consequences of my reverting to old habits...I gained almost 2 pounds back that I had lost!  And it's not coming off as easily as it came back on.  But, I got back on track.  I noticed my fitbit syncing with myfitnesspal was sending my macros all over the place....so I quickly removed that functionality.  Keto is hard...but when I come downstairs in the morning, I don't have to take one step at a time.  I eat a large breakfast/lunch and am usually completed satiated until dinner time.  Keto is hard...but it's becoming a bit more easy as I go along.

I'll leave you with one of my breakfast/lunches from this past week.  I took leftover grilled chuck steak and sliced it thinly (4oz), I added 2oz of sliced green peppers, and 1.5 oz of sliced onions.  I sauteed this in 2 tbsp of coconut oil  Once the onions and peppers were cooked to my liking, I plated them and fried two eggs.  Overall this meal was 555 calories, 6g of carbs, 44g of fat, 37 grams of protein.

Discovering a whole new way of eating

Dear Reader

Full disclosure....I am clinically obese.  And by obese, I mean I am FAT!  I don't view this word negatively, unless I'm watching "Family Guy."  It is who I am, however, I do not let it define me.  I'm also short, curvy, sexy, smart and logical.  I have awesome hair, an amazing figure, and my boobs are a sight to behold.  All of my medical tests show me to be a very healthy fat person.  I do suffer from joint inflammation and pain which often ends up derailing any weight loss I try, simply because it hurts when I move.  I also suffer from boredom eating and really, really enjoy my wine!

A few weeks ago, I had this grand idea to buy a bicycle. Being over 250lbs, I'm extremely cognizant of weight restrictions....on EVERYTHING. I even ordered a $160 ladder for our pool because I was fearful of the flimsy one that came with it.  I'm over 40 and injury prone, I do not need to help that!  So, I found that most bicycles that you can buy at your local retail store have a weight restriction of 250lbs.  As of today, I weigh 276....something I am NOT proud of!  I was hesitant to buy a bike that I was simply too large for.  I was devastated and felt very ashamed of myself.  How did I let this happen?  But most importantly....how do I change this?!?!?!?

Enter a Keto diet.  In very simple terms, a keto diet is low in carbs, high in fat, and moderate in protein.  It is designed to turn your body into a fat burning machine, rather than a sugar burning machine.  It is similar to paleo in many ways, but it's still very different.  A good friend of mine introduced me to it not long after my bicycle discovery.  So, I researched it and found that this diet is commonly used to treat a variety of diseases including (but not limited to) epilepsy, diabetes, and cancer. I read real person accounts of how this diet has stopped joint inflammation, sleep apnea, and other obesity related ailments.  Keto is hard....at least right now it is.  It's taking your customary way of eat (WOE) and turning it upside down....if you decide to research and try this, you'll see what I mean when it promotes using lard and bacon fat.  Not to mention the dozens of eggs you'll find yourself eating.

I choose a start date of 8/1/2016.  It was my birthday and a Monday...so it just seemed appropriate.  After reading about induction flu (the flu like symptoms you experience as your body moves into ketosis), I found that a few side effects could affect my vertigo.  With a balance test scheduled for 8/9/2016, I decided to hold off on starting Keot until today, 8/8/2016.

I decided to begin with really watching my carbs, saying goodbye to some of my favorite non-Keto friendly foods (watermelon, pizza, pasta, alcohol, etc), and researching even more to discover recipes, tactics, etc.  I joined a keto challenge (you can find a lot of information on www.ketodietapp.com) and bought a few books.

I have enjoyed making some recipes including Almond Cashew Butter, Ghee (clarified butter), Bacon Olive Omelets, Bacon Egg Tomato Skillet and a few others.  I cleaned out my pantry of anything that could trip me up.  I bought expense coconut oil, almond oil, coconut flakes.  I'm drinking up to 100oz of water a day (some with a touch of Himalayan pink salt to help with electrolytes) and I'm going into this with an open mind.

I KNOW I'm going to struggle.  I know that evenings will be difficult for me.  I know that boredom eating will trip me up.  But I also know that I need to do this!  I need to fit on a bicycle and not worry about damaging the frame.  I need to know that I can sit comfortably on an airplane and not spill over into someone else's seat.  I need to know I can go to Hogwarts and Universal Studios and enjoy the rides!

I am a beautiful person with some very unique super powers.  I am not doing this to enhance my beauty...I am doing this to enhance my life!

So, stick with me dear reader and we'll journey together.  Feel free to nudge me when I haven't posted in awhile.  And when all else fails...keep your super hero buddies close by!

Disconnecting to Reconnect

Two children turning 18, one going into the US Navy. A parent passing away. Four moves in less than a year. Health scares. New job. Car problems. Graduate School. Terminally ill parent. And a special new baby being born.  That is a quick summary of the last 24 months.  A lot of stress and pressure to build up until your whole world bursts.

All it took was one week, seven days, to relieve that pressure. We left on May 9th, turned the data off on our phones and disconnected from our entire world.  No text messages, no emails, no facebook, no phone calls.  Just Kip and I. I expected a long week of bickering and disagreements.  I expected that our very varied interests wouldn't compliment each other and we'd spend time looking at each other wonder just what the hell to do next. After 27 years as a couple, and many of those surrounded by lots of other people, I feared that we just wouldn't know what to do with our self-imposed isolation from our world.

Every 5-10 years our relationship goes through another evolution.  The last one, we finally allowed ourselves to accept that we, and each other, were no longer that 14 girl and 17 year old boy. We allowed ourselves, and each other, to grow up...and discovered that we actually not only still loved each other but we LIKED each other.  This evolution was about the transition into our "middle ages."  Our nest will be empty.  Our parents are aging. After 20+ years of focused attention on two boys who needed our love, guidance and support...we know have a little less focus there.  Where does it go?  How do you cope with the next stage in your life?  Well, the answer is simple: TOGETHER.  We're not joined at the hip by any stretch of the imagination and enjoy many activities that the other does not.  But when it comes right down to it, we walk this path side by side. Sometimes I'm in front, sometimes Kip is in front, but when it matters we are hand in hand, side by side.

We disconnected from our world and reconnected with each other that further cements our solid foundation, mutual admiration and respect, and deep rooted, unwavering love.  I couldn't have asked for a better lifemate!

Milestones and the Empty Nest

Greetings Dear Reader!

Two posts in the same year....you must be wondering what the hell is going on in my head if I'm actually going to have a post two months apart!

Life is about learning and growing and moving on.  A lot of milestones and passages are occurring all around me, the last few years have been full of them! My best friend is having her first baby at the age of 47.  Yes, 47!!!  Believing that this was an experience she would never have, she was surprised to find out that she was 5 1/2 months pregnant.  The baby's expected delivery date is May 12th...my 24th wedding anniversary.  I guess I can't yell at her for not even getting us a card, huh?

My oldest will be twenty at the end of summer and is experiencing some adult joys and disappointments.  He's handling them with strength and grace. He hasn't been home in four months, not the longest absence, but still a long time to be away from home.  This time around, he's adapting more quickly.  He doesn't complain about hating his duty station or the general area as much as he did the first few times he came home.  Bittersweet, if you ask me.  I always want him to miss being home.  But I also want him to pave his own road, make his own and be independent.  Even if that means I am too far away to go running to his side when he has a car accident. (Yep, that did happen and thankfully, he was ok.  Still hurts when you can't check the boo boos yourself.)

That vacation I mentioned in my last post?  16 days away!!!  We won't have a carte blanche vacation.  But seriously, Kip and I are fairly low maintenance and don't need to eat at the best places, buy the "expensive" jewelry or take that submarine dive.  We just need time to disconnect and be us.  It's the perfect way to culiminate a tough two years.

Graduate school...OH MY GOD!  I didn't realize just how taxing it would be.  I'm nearly done my first class, and truthfully, I should be preparing my power point presentation rather than blogging.  But I have learned so much in six weeks! I can't wait to see what the rest of this program brings.

The biggest milestones happening in our life this year are that our youngest son is turning 18 (in a few days) and going to college.  I'm not sure which surprises me more. That he actually made it to 18 without me damaging him or that he's going to college!  He was not the child I expected to go to college.  He's barely making it through high school.  We had a tour of his school last week and I've got to say, I'm really impressed.  Mostly with him. He's really matured a lot in the last few years.  He's more of a responsible adult than most of the people five to ten years older than him.  He has a lot of growing and learning left to do...but he's really pulled himself around and I don't think I need to worry as much.  I'll still worry, I am a mom after all...just not about as much.

We'll have an "empty nest."  Our boys will be far enough away that planning days in advance needs to occur.  No quick trips up the road to get that hug from both of them.  That will be the hardest part for me.  But, I know that this is a normal progression and I am most certainly not the first mom to deal with it. We'll have an empty nest, but never an empty heart.  We've passed as much knowledge and experience on as we could...now it's time for both of our boys....no, our young men....to see what they can do with it.  To so what they can experience and learn.  Fly high and safe...and never forget where your nest is!

Balance

Hello dear Reader,  it's been awhile, I know.  Suffice it to say that June 2012 to November 2013 was a very, very trying time for me.  Finances were a mess.  We moved not once, not twice, not three times...but four times. I got diagnosed with degenerative disc disease after being in excruciating pain for weeks. I finally quit that horrible company I worked for.  I started a new job. My oldest son entered his adulthood by joining the US Navy.  And perhaps most importantly, my father passed away.

Life sucked.  Nothing seemed to be good. Everything was crashing down around me and I didn't know where to turn. Some friendships turned out to be very disappointing.  The loss of my dad and my oldest son, my "mini me," leaving for his new adventures left me looking at the rest of my life and wondering just what the hell was I going to do.  How to move forward? How to make sense of all the chaos?

Balance was the key....I needed to find balance. I needed to balance the good with the bad.  I need to take an inventory of people, things, stuff in my life and see where each lay.  And I found that so much stuff was on the bad side that I was constantly falling off my personal, metaphysical, balance beam.

Step 1: Remove the bad stuff you CAN control.  I ended some relationships that were very toxic. I tackled some financial stuff. I ended employment with a company that cared less about it's human capital than a Chinese sweatshop. I uncluttered my life physically by getting rid of unwanted stuff in my living space. I stopped a lifestyle choice that wasn't working for me or my family.  I started watching the food I put in my mouth. True, I still have some financial issues and my son being gone and my dad passing still hurt more than I can express....but I can't control some of these.

Step 2: Foster the good stuff you CAN control. I started to cultivate and nurture my healthy relationships beginning with myself, moving onto my husband, children, my mother, my best friend and those friends that I really kept on the outside looking in.  I opened myself up a little bit. I did an in depth analysis of our finances.  I saw where we were needlessly spending money.  I saw where I could actually start working on paying old credit problems and get them off my credit report. I got a new job at a company that I LOVE!  The benefits are awesome, my coworkers rock and I can see me being here for a LONG time. I started walking and joined a gym.  I continue to organize my physical living space. And you know those issues I can't control?  I try my hardest to let them go.

Step 3: Maintain the balance while growing.  Not easy for sure.  But, I'm starting classes next month to pursue my graduate degree. I can't express just how much I LOVE learning.  I could be a professional student if I had unlimited financial resources. Kip and I are taking our first ever vacation...in twenty four years of marriage! I'm fostering some new relationships and fostering my place in my work life. I'm planning on doing a few 5K's this year. Mostly, I'm taking things with a little more of a grain of salt than I used to.

I'd like to see that these changes are starting to be noticed. I'm looking better.  I'm feeling better, physically and mentally. I have a confidence I never really had before.  And each day, I continue to try to take stock in my life and continue to keep things balanced.

2014 is the year for balance.

My Eulogy for My Dad

Michael A Mitchell

9/28/1951 - 4/21/2013

My Dad

My father will not be read about on the news or in the history books.  There will be no eulogies from celebrities and no paparazzi sneaking snapshots of those in attendances today.  But my father was a great man.

When I think of my father, I think of the middle child of eleven children.  A man who lost his brother and father before the age of 25.  A man of meager means, but full of heart.  A man who struggled between who he was and who he wanted to be and how to get there.  He loved greatly and never gave up on anyone.  He instilled in me the qualities such as: unconditional love, compassion, integrity, hard work, devotion, humor and security.

My father left a piece of him in everyone he touched.  When I look at all of you, I see bits of my father everywhere.  I see brothers and sisters with that all too familiar Mitchell snout and huge smile.  I see a family bonded together by undying love.  When I look at Michael, I see the dreamer.  The get rich quick plans like rubbermaid garage door with automatic garage door opener.  Dad probably thought of this way back in the 70's when my  "precocious" toddler brother "drove" the car through my Grandpa Well's garage door.

When I look at Charlie, I actually see my dad at 34, when I was 11.  That big smile, Mitchell nose, beautiful thick hair and twinkle in his eyes when he's up to no good.

When I look at Victoria, I see the stubbornness.  Oh, the stubbornness! Even to the end he said "We have to do this MY way."  Victoria, use this stubbornness to help you get the things that truly, truly matter in life.

When I look at Matthew, I see the jokester.  The desire to lighten up any situation, to elicit an infections smile.  The message is that life is too short to take anything, but especially ourselves, too seriously.  When I look at Aaron, I see not just the dreamer but the do-er.  Before Aaron embarked on his adulthood with the Navy, I could always count on him to get stuff done.  The do-er with a dream of great things and the means to get them done.

As each of you say your final good byes to my dad, think of the part of him that he left with you.  KNow that even at the end of his journey, he still was a dreamer, eye-twinkler, stubborn, do-er, jokester.

Thankful

It's been a year where it's been difficult to find something to be thankful for at times...looking at the bright side was becoming exhausting, even depressing.  I spent so much time thinking of ways to lift those around me up, that I lost track of lifting myself up as well.  It's been a year of big, big changes.  Most notably, our oldest son graduated high school, turned 18, oh...and entered the United States Navy.  My mini-me...one quarter of our family, one quarter of the balance in our little family has moved out of our nest.  And I use nest "loosely" because at the time that most of this was happening...we were living in my best friend's basement...unfinished basement.

It's been a humbling year...and we're not done yet.  We've (hopefully) hit the financial rock bottom...decades of bad money  management caught up with us.  I've started a new job...but have been seen as the "dumb one" in the position.  My children have made huge accomplishments that magnified that they are rapidly moving on towards their next chapter...adulthood.  I've been told I was loved but treated like I wasn't more than gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I've had to move my father into a home separate from mine for the first time in eight years.  I've had two "adopted" children bond to my heart only to leave on their own paths.  I've made some serious mistakes...and have had some serious slaps in the face.

And through it all...I've had the most important thing in front of me....I've had the most important people in my life.  A handful of close friends, and a new friend, who don't cease to make me smile.  My mother in law...once upon a time, I thought she hated me.  Now, I'm proud to say she's my "Mom in law"....emphasis on MOM.  My parents...both ill in their own way...wouldn't hesitate to talk to me when I'm upset or pat my back when they think I've done good.  They would never kick me when I'm down and the rest of the world is taking it's kidney shots.  My children...my god, I don't even know where to start...both funny, intelligent boys with sparkling personalities (no they are not vampires!) and huge ambitions.  Both would step in front of a bullet for me, and I them.  And most importantly, my husband....twenty five years and going strong.  Twenty five tough years of learning and growing, fighting and loving...and through it all...I get to sleep at night with my best friend...the only person on this earth that truly gets to see the "real" me.

So, while I've had a lot to not be thankful for....I still have the most important things that I need to honor today...and every day. 

Summertime Blues

What a world!  Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own.  Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs.  We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down.  We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.

I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.

Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience!  Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything!  I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month. 

It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure.  My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence.  There is no gain without sacrifice...right? 

Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness.  Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.

Hidden

 I saw this painting at an art show at the Abrahadbra Oasis almost two years ago...and was immediately drawn to it.  So, I purchased it...and am considering making some of it my next tattoo.

What do I see?  I see a woman who's been locked up emotionally.  Every thing in her life bottled up, by her own design or by others, it matters not.  All that matters is that it's been bottled up like a 2 liter of Coke with a package of Mento's dropped in and the cap placed back on.  Hidden....festering...bubbling...until she can't take it anymore and she explodes. Her hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears, joys, everything comes exploding out of her....the oxygen igniting it all, increasing the flames of truth, reality, feeling until it consumes everything around her. 

What do I see?  I see me.  I see the young girl that learned early on to build her walls so high that no one can climb them.  I see the young woman she became who put her needs, wants, desires aside for those important to her.  Cared for them, helped them achieve their wants, needs, and desires to the best of her ability....above her own.  I see the woman on the brink of entering "Middle Age."  Her "job" as mother, nurturer, educator is rapidly changing.  Her children's no longer view her as the center of her world...but now an important cornerstone. 

I see a woman who still, for the most part, feels hidden.  Hiding from the world and being hidden from the world by others.  I see a woman struggling to let herself out...to feel, want, need, desire.  I see a woman who is tired of being hidden.  I don't want to be hidden anymore.  I want to be happy with who I am...and I want those around me to be happy that I'm a part of their life, in every capacity...I want them to be proud of me.  I want to stop hiding...and I want to stop being hidden.

Big changes are coming in my life...now seems to be a good time to stop hiding.

Change

Dear Reader,

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post...my thoughts have been dark and random and focused on a lot of stuff...Most importantly...all of the changes in my life.  Changes happening, changes to come...and changes I want to make. Thank you to those who have been asking me to blog...to talk...to share.  I've listened...I've just shared silently.

I don't even know where to start...I just know that I need to do this. Big happenings going on.  My youngest son's best friend moved in with us in January of this year.  He stayed with us until mid-April and left for basic training May 1.  A precursor of events to come...I cried, I lamented, I worried...and I still think about him every day.  Is he ok?  Is the Army beating him up?  I can't wait for him to come home.  I can't wait to see my youngest have his best bud back for a bit.

We're moving in with friends.  We just can't get our finances straightened out where we are at now...and something drastic needs to happen.  My dad and my brother Mike are going to share an apartment.  This will mean that for the first time in eight years, my dad will not be living with me.  Freedom?  Reprieve?  Sanity returns?  All of the above?

Perhaps the biggest change...is my "buddy" growing up and moving into adulthood.  Pictured here are Aaron and I in late September of last year.  A good friend took a ton of pictures for his senior picture...I decided that I needed one with him.  This is it!  I have a special bond with both of my boys...but each bond is different.  In 8 days, Aaron graduates from high school.  In 58 days, he leaves home and enters the US Navy.  Fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, pride, love, and many, many other emotions are experienced all at once.  This boy...this young man...came into my life when I thought all hope was lost.  Kip was stationed on a ship in Italy.  I lived over there with him...dark days.  I remember trying to get second degree sunburns on my feet so the Navy would have to send him home.  I remember dropping a large rock on my ankle to try to break it...so the Navy would send him home.  What kept me from doing something more drastic was this little boy who depended on me for EVERYTHING.  Unconditional love at it's greatest.  His smile warmed me.  His need gave me purpose.  He was all at once, my everything and my life line. 

I didn't once think about my life in 18 years when he would be no longer be a part of my daily life...when he would begin his journey that we helped prepare him for....LIFE.  Now, that time is upon us...and I don't know if I can cope with it.  I know that I don't have a choice.  And I'm immensely proud of him...and I know he's well prepared for this and will do extremely in whatever path he chooses.  I'm just sad that a large part of my life is changing.  Scared about what it means for me.  More changes to come...more to process...more to learn and grow through...

Thanks

The second Monday of my unemployed status.  Jobs applied for.  Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend.  Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us. 

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen.  A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation.  But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen  my depression...I kept the party going.  And I'm very grateful that I did.  A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday.  And I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward. 

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me.  I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them.  There is always next year. 

Onwards to positive changes....

Waiting

I feel like I'm the always the girl waiting.....

Work

In an earlier post, I allowed my self to accept the definition of who I am to be a part of someone else's life.  But there's a very important part of me...work.  I love to work.  I'm the quintessential, Type A, workaholic.  I take a large amount of pride of going to work, doing work, doing a great job and impressing my supervisor's, coworkers and clients (if applicable.)  I can think outside the box.  I can put in as many hours as you need for me to get something accomplished. 

I love higher level thinking tasks, but use mundane things like data entry for problem solving time.

That being said, I was let go from my job yesterday for "perpetrating gossip."  Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means...or how others in my office, specifically two individuals, escaped this.  I work in an office with 9 women and one man...the man is the boss/owner.  In one week, three of us were terminated...three very different reasons.  I was the last.  An office full of women.....and there's to be no gossip???? I guess what there really shouldn't be is the back-stabbing, finger pointing, tattle telling part of the gossip that happened.  Did I engage in the act...yep, I was part of conversations that discussed other people, policies we didn't like, actions by our boss that we were concerned about.  Was I perpetrating these discussions...nope...these women came to me!  Did we all have valid concerns...absolutely.  Should we have addressed these to the boss?  Probably, but he's set himself as unapproachable with anything like this...so we conversed with each other.  Given the climate, I guess a few were more worried about their own asses and had to throw someone under the bus.  Karma's a bitch ladies!

I don't know what to do without having work to do.  I've been in and out of tears since yesterday...and as most of you know...I just don't cry.  I'm devastated.  I worked my ass off for that man.  Dozens of 50+ hour weeks.  Client calls when no one was taking them.  Working on reports when no one else but the boss was doing them.  Now, I've got nothing!  Nada. Zip. Zilch...except a dwindling bank account and a lot of free time.  Tears that no one is around to dry...and a feeling of worthlessness.  This will pass, I know it will...but damn, I'm more pissed that I have no work to do than that the stupid, fucked up reason I was let go!

For a Friend

He stands atop an emerald knoll,
Eyes to the sky, searching for an answer.

He stands atop a jade hilltop,
Eyes to the partner crests, searching for a soul.

Scouring the valleys for the one he's missing,
Eyes squinted for increased focus, searching for that comfort.

The warmth of a breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace.  Longing to feel those again, alive again.

Warmth radiates from above with the evaporation of the murky sky,
Replaced with brilliant sunlight.

He stands atop a dune, face turned up, red with heat.
Feeling the warmth of a missing breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,  
The support of an embrace...feeling the missing, knowing he's alive....and never alone.

Hola, Mi Nombre es Velma

Hi,  My name is Velma.  I'm a daughter to Julie and Mike; sister to Michael and Charlie, wife to Kip, daughter in law to Reta and Frank, mom to Aaron and Matt, niece of a dozen or more people, employee at Syncopation, friend to many, close friend to a few.  I'm a chef, dishwasher, laundress, seamstress, domestic manager, finances coordinator.  I develop best practices in my fields and work hard to keep everything running smoothly.

Hi, My name is Velma....I love to listen to music.  I listen for the message in the lyrics, the harmony between the lyrics and the music, the interpretation by others about the same song.  I love to have spirited discussions about sports, politics, ethics, advancements of technology, downward spiral of our country, the merit of zombie movies (I find no merit in zombie movies.)  I love to read....and will read most anything, just not books that make me cry.  I hate crying.  I love long walks...anywhere, but most often fantasize about walks on the beach with a long billowy skirt blowing against my ankles.  I love to hold hands and kiss.  I love to look in my lover's eyes and see myself...unaltered, unadorned....just me.

I cherish every moment with my children and family.  I love to learn from them.  I love to learn new things.  I get super excited when someone/something manages to make me change my mind about a stance.  I love in depth discussions about personal growth.  I love to be told I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, important.

I love food...sometimes a little too much.  And, if you pair the right wine with the right food...it should create an orgasm in your mouth when consumed together...I love that!  Sunsets make me sad...sunrises make me smile.  Children's laughter and old people's memories remind me that life is fragile.


I realize this blog sounds a lot like a personal ad...but it's not.  For years, I've defined myself by other people's terms....I've allowed myself to be something that is theirs.  But I think I'm finally able to start answering that question I couldn't answer a few years ago:  "Velma, what do you like? What do you want?  Who are you?"  I am everything above...the good and the bad.  They are me....

Time

There are a lot of sayings about time.  Time heals all wounds.  Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Time discovers truth.  Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.

Time, it's a funny  thing.  When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag.  Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license.  Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other?  Can time be kept in a bottle?  Does anyone really know?

I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways.  The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash!  Diaper to driver's licenses.  Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second.  I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things.  One, what a great hugger he is.  And two, I don't hug him enough.  I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.

I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade.  That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep.  Some go back years, some a few months.  I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure.  But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds.  It has healed some...that can be true.  And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that.  But I'll find a way.  I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?  I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore.  I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think.  It forces you to think about yourself...and that person.  What is missing from your life because of them being gone?  Can you live without it?  Can you not live without it?  How would your life be impacted if they were to come back?  Positively? Negatively?

I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful.  Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around.  Oops!

Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude.  Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me.  I can hug my children every day.  I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home.  I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation.  I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical)   And I can buy a new watch!