Changes and Transitions

This picture is of my NBS (non-biological son)....it's a phrase that was coined over four years ago when our family reconnected with his.  I'm NBM2 (non-biological mom 2)...his step mother is NBM1 and my best friend.  I've known this young man since he was a baby, his father and mother since we were in our teens and his step mom for five years.  He's being sworn into the United States Navy and will be on his way to Great Lakes today for boot camp.

It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad!  It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us.  One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves.  Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way. 

I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest.  I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday.  He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer.  The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.

But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions.  Dear Reader, I am not ready for this.  I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year.  The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me. 

People Can Change

I guess my theme this year has been the trials and tribulations of relationships.  This is any relationship: friendship, marriage, family,  working. I've taken a lot of stock in things.  In how my behavior in regards to some of those I interact with.  In how I've allowed certain treatment to continue, even though detrimental to me.  No one is similar enough that there is never conflict.  And, I believe conflict in a relationship can create a stronger bond...it's certainly true for my marriage and for the relationship I have with the two women closest to me.  It took a lot of work....A LOT OF WORK

I'm the kind of person who will work my hardest to find resolutions to conflicts that I have with people.  In the beginning, I don't really look at where I might have acted/reacted different...I think that's human nature.  We're wounded, our pride has been damaged, our minds are trying to process the events.  It's all about YOU and what YOU did in the beginning.  But I also believe through honest, open communication...you can get past this...you can get past the conflict and find a resolution and move forward.  I've done with the woman I call my sister...now, we're not related at all....but I share EVERYTHING with her.  It hasn't always been this way...we come from very, very different familial backgrounds...her view of my world is different and vise versa.  We needed to work through some pretty weighty conflicts to get to a place where we can say "OK...this is a boundary item...I don't view this the way that you do...but I respect that you have good reasons for why you see it this way."  We've also learned alot about taking responsibility for where we've fucked up....and we both have.

Sometimes, a conflict is deadly...you can't come back from it.  I believe I have a few friendships this year that have taken that road.  And sometimes what you need is someone new....or someone old who is new again...to show you that you are worthy of a better, healthier, more productive relationship.  Sometimes someone you once wrote off will show you that people can change. 

That gives me hope...hope that I'm changing in my interactions with others.  Hope that maybe, someday, a few of the relationships I have had to step away from this year...can be repaired and stronger for the conflict.  

Hello Old Friend

After nearly a year away, I took a "stroll" along the one of the trails on Pineland Campus today.  I had stopped in mid-August during the oppressive heat.  When I originally started the Oak Hill Trail (I don't think I do the full 2.8k as it only takes me 47 minutes) it took me a whopping 58 minutes.  My goal last summer was to get this under 40 minutes...and then I would start to job portions of it....slowly working on that until I was running the whole trail.

Then the oppressive heat began.  I'd work until about 1pm and then decide to go for my walk...only to be waylaid by the tree in front of our office (see a post from last summer about my tree.) I'd lounge under that tree during my lunch break pondering my life and how I was doing in my life.  Always intent on going back to my walk in the woods, I had planned to begin walking the trail again in September.  Then the unimaginable happened...I broke my foot!  Recovery has been slow...I attempted the trail about a month ago only to have my ankle bother me on the uneven ground almost immediately.  Then yesterday, I went to walk around the parking lots and buildings here and decided that what I really wanted was my trail back!

Today was the day!  I filled my water bottle, took a quick stop in the ladies room and made my way out!  Determination setting my mood...I WAS going to do this today!  It's a little about the exercise and a lot about my piece of mind.  While walking and listening to my play list...I process....I think about the things in my life...what's going well, what's not.  Anything decisions I'm conflicted about get worked out here...I've missed this psychologically therapeutic exercise.  I've needed it.  Songs that have meaning to me can help bring clearer focus to something I'm conflicted about.  New people in my life can make an "old" song come alive.  People who are not longer apart of my life (whether by death, moving, or ending of friendships) come to mind as I hear songs that remind me of them.  I relieve good memories...good memories that can help with closure and help remove the bitterness of hurt feelings.

So, Hello old friend!  Same goal as last year...I think we're off to a good start as I finished in 47 minutes.  Only...can we do without the broken foot next year?

Thanks for taking time out of your busy, hectic lives to read a little bit into mine.  I'm always grateful for the feedback from you Dear Reader.

Conflict Resolutions

Sometimes, no matter how you try, conflict resolution just isn't possible.  We all enter conflicts believing WE are right and WE have all the facts....but the old adage says there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. We bring into our conflicts our own emotional baggage and preconceived notions.  And unless we have a true understanding of what our emotional baggage is...we'll never see our part in the conflict.

I'm certainly not saying I don't have emotional baggage...my goodness...I think mine might sink the Titanic.  But I'm very aware of my emotional baggage.  I'm aware of my constant feeling of being left out, not being a part of the group.  Isn't this a major step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?  The need to belong?  I'm also over analytical to a fault....perhaps some of my blog helps illustrate that point.  I'm also a very, very serious person.  I simply don't know how to loosen up....it comes with carrying all that baggage.  And there is so much, much more...but I digress.

Because we go into conflict ready to battle, ready to change another person's mind...we tend to forget that maybe our mind needs to be changed...sometimes....there just is no middle ground.  Each side has viable facts, viable feelings, viable concerns.  It's in the mature relationships that each party can accept proper responsibility for their actions and promise to take care that it doesn't happen again.  When that can't happen...sometimes, the relationship is irrevocably broken.  Friendship destroyed, never to be regained.  Sometimes it's easier to swim with the current than to fight against it...against what will never change. 

Unfortunately, I think that's happened in my life very recently...when you remove all evidence that someone existed in your life (or when you realize someone has removed evidence of your existence)...it's a sad moment...sad for everyone involved.  No pictures, no emails, no cell phone numbers, no gifts, no facebook, nothing.  Sometimes that is the only way you can move on and begin to work on improving yourself.

Dear Reader, you've been following me through some interesting times in the last few years.  I am for ever grateful that you allow me into to your world for even just a little bit...this is my therapy.

Dedication

Music plays a large role in my life...it always has and always will.  Every song has a meaning.  Every rhythm speaks to your psyche.  I love to share my passion for music with others.  I love for them to hear what I'm hearing...to feel what I'm feeling...to experience something together.  Joy, laughter, hurt, sorrow, anger, love.....it's part of what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.  Feelings and sharing.....a combination that makes our world seem a little closer.

As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day.  It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling.  Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal.  If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album.  Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen.  Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.

I hope you can hear what I hear.  I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message.   I hope you see that this is a healing album for me.  I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect.  That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life.  I see some things so much more clearly.  I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me.  I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.

Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.

Cosmic Meanderings

Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader.  Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better.  I have had so many downs...and so few ups.  I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments.  As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why???  Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???

I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth.  I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything.  I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person.  I know that I am innately good.  But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who  are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble.  They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!!  EVER!!!!  Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality.  They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.

I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that.  Or rather, I used to feel that way.  I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility.  (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble.  I don't want to think the world revolves around me.  I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises.  I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love. 

It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly.  It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly.  Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles. 

You love deeply, dear reader!  Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply.  When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you.  You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled.  Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.

A Letter to My Brothers

Dear M and C,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I know that you're struggling through another custody battle (M) and learning to live for a small wage, low hours at minimum wage while living far away from home (C).  I wanted to let you know that things are going "OK" here in New England.

Dad is as grumpy as ever.  His COPD and emphysemaa make any kind of activity difficult for him.  At 59 years of age, it's really hard to adjust to doing nothing...all of the time.  Every small twinge of pain becomes life threatening.  Waking up with stiff joints means you're dying.  A long night without sleep...obviously a brain tumor.  No one hears you beep your horn in the driveway...yet another source of aggravation.  Two, unobstructed, hernias mean that every abdominal pain means you've suddenly got an obstruction and need immediate medical attention. 

I've been woken up numerous times in the last few months to hearing our father "writhing" in pain only to find out it's gas from the beer he's had to drink that day.  Or maybe it's just that he actually passed out and laid in one position for far too long and his muscles are protesting.  A stomach flu, that had been going around, resulted in an 11 hour emergency room trip that ended with me suffering from exhaustion and dehydration...all while my family slept/went to school/worked/nearly homeless in Lewiston/working in Virginia.  But hey, I'm the oldest right?  It's my job to take care of these things.......right?

Mom is in the hospital again.  It seems the latest string of therapists believe she's been denying her abuses from long ago long enough and it's time to deal with them. Suicidal thoughts abound...people afraid she'll harm herself...and a 72 hour psych hold in Rhode Island....three hours away from me, her nearest....RESPONSIBLE...relative.  Nancy has been awesome during all of this.  As usual, I trust her judgement implicitly.  I just wish I could be down there giving our mother the care and attention she deserves.  Being sexually abused your entire childhood takes a horrible, horrible toll on a person.  I long to envelope our mother in my arms and let her know that SHE IS SAFE!  No one shall harm her while I'm on the watch.  Alas, I'm in the middle of my own familial drama.

I quickly found a place for my family, and our father, to move since the landlady needs her house back.  Moving day is this weekend.  I've been packing and throwing and purging and reliving portions of my life that are happy, sad and difficult for a month now.  I remembered the day I got married, when I came across my bouquet.  C...you spent the night before with Kip because we knew YOU could remember how to get to the house where the ceremony was.  M...you cried because you thought you were losing your sister.

I don't think I ever was your sister.  I think I was the person who stepped in when Mom just couldn't anymore.  I took the calls in the middle of the night, from the police department because you were stupid!  I made sure you got up for the bus in the morning.  I cooked, I cleaned, I circumvented.  I gave up soooo much to help Dad (and Mom) try to maintain some sort of semblance of a family life...to help you two feel that you were a part of a family.  And what did I do that for?

I love you both...but you only talk to me when you want something...neither one of you are really there when I need you....like now...neither one of you take an active role in our parent's care.  In some ways, I think I was an actually an only child.  As I sit here at my dining room table, on the last Friday night I will spend in a place I've called home for nearly four years...I really wonder...do I have brothers?  Are we a cohesive unit?  I mean, C isn't talking to me because I didn't remember his birthday (I remembered, I choose not to acknowledge) and only contacts me when he wants money...and M only looks for me when he has laundry to do and is broke 3 days after getting paid.  I've given a lot of my life to you...to worrying about you...to caring for you...to making you more important than my husband and children......and yet, I still sit here caring for OUR parents alone.

I feel lonely.  Kip is an only child and he feels less lonely than I do...the oldest of three.  That ought to say something to me....to me.  I will continue to care for OUR parents...because someone has to.  Dad's been living with me for 7 years...he's verbally abused my children, suspected physical abuse of my dog...and has told people that I do nothing for him.  Mom sits in a psych ward sounding drugged to the hilt and really needs something I cannot give her at the moment....and the two people in my life I should be able to count on for help at THIS moment in time are MIA.....I'm not exactly sure what I did to draw this straw...but I promise, as I struggle through dealing with it all, I will find a way to make this a positive for me.

Love your sister,
Velma