Summertime Blues

What a world!  Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own.  Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs.  We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down.  We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.

I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.

Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience!  Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything!  I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month. 

It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure.  My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence.  There is no gain without sacrifice...right? 

Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness.  Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.

Hidden

 I saw this painting at an art show at the Abrahadbra Oasis almost two years ago...and was immediately drawn to it.  So, I purchased it...and am considering making some of it my next tattoo.

What do I see?  I see a woman who's been locked up emotionally.  Every thing in her life bottled up, by her own design or by others, it matters not.  All that matters is that it's been bottled up like a 2 liter of Coke with a package of Mento's dropped in and the cap placed back on.  Hidden....festering...bubbling...until she can't take it anymore and she explodes. Her hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears, joys, everything comes exploding out of her....the oxygen igniting it all, increasing the flames of truth, reality, feeling until it consumes everything around her. 

What do I see?  I see me.  I see the young girl that learned early on to build her walls so high that no one can climb them.  I see the young woman she became who put her needs, wants, desires aside for those important to her.  Cared for them, helped them achieve their wants, needs, and desires to the best of her ability....above her own.  I see the woman on the brink of entering "Middle Age."  Her "job" as mother, nurturer, educator is rapidly changing.  Her children's no longer view her as the center of her world...but now an important cornerstone. 

I see a woman who still, for the most part, feels hidden.  Hiding from the world and being hidden from the world by others.  I see a woman struggling to let herself out...to feel, want, need, desire.  I see a woman who is tired of being hidden.  I don't want to be hidden anymore.  I want to be happy with who I am...and I want those around me to be happy that I'm a part of their life, in every capacity...I want them to be proud of me.  I want to stop hiding...and I want to stop being hidden.

Big changes are coming in my life...now seems to be a good time to stop hiding.

Change

Dear Reader,

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post...my thoughts have been dark and random and focused on a lot of stuff...Most importantly...all of the changes in my life.  Changes happening, changes to come...and changes I want to make. Thank you to those who have been asking me to blog...to talk...to share.  I've listened...I've just shared silently.

I don't even know where to start...I just know that I need to do this. Big happenings going on.  My youngest son's best friend moved in with us in January of this year.  He stayed with us until mid-April and left for basic training May 1.  A precursor of events to come...I cried, I lamented, I worried...and I still think about him every day.  Is he ok?  Is the Army beating him up?  I can't wait for him to come home.  I can't wait to see my youngest have his best bud back for a bit.

We're moving in with friends.  We just can't get our finances straightened out where we are at now...and something drastic needs to happen.  My dad and my brother Mike are going to share an apartment.  This will mean that for the first time in eight years, my dad will not be living with me.  Freedom?  Reprieve?  Sanity returns?  All of the above?

Perhaps the biggest change...is my "buddy" growing up and moving into adulthood.  Pictured here are Aaron and I in late September of last year.  A good friend took a ton of pictures for his senior picture...I decided that I needed one with him.  This is it!  I have a special bond with both of my boys...but each bond is different.  In 8 days, Aaron graduates from high school.  In 58 days, he leaves home and enters the US Navy.  Fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, pride, love, and many, many other emotions are experienced all at once.  This boy...this young man...came into my life when I thought all hope was lost.  Kip was stationed on a ship in Italy.  I lived over there with him...dark days.  I remember trying to get second degree sunburns on my feet so the Navy would have to send him home.  I remember dropping a large rock on my ankle to try to break it...so the Navy would send him home.  What kept me from doing something more drastic was this little boy who depended on me for EVERYTHING.  Unconditional love at it's greatest.  His smile warmed me.  His need gave me purpose.  He was all at once, my everything and my life line. 

I didn't once think about my life in 18 years when he would be no longer be a part of my daily life...when he would begin his journey that we helped prepare him for....LIFE.  Now, that time is upon us...and I don't know if I can cope with it.  I know that I don't have a choice.  And I'm immensely proud of him...and I know he's well prepared for this and will do extremely in whatever path he chooses.  I'm just sad that a large part of my life is changing.  Scared about what it means for me.  More changes to come...more to process...more to learn and grow through...

Thanks

The second Monday of my unemployed status.  Jobs applied for.  Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend.  Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us. 

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen.  A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation.  But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen  my depression...I kept the party going.  And I'm very grateful that I did.  A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday.  And I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward. 

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me.  I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them.  There is always next year. 

Onwards to positive changes....

Waiting

I feel like I'm the always the girl waiting.....

Work

In an earlier post, I allowed my self to accept the definition of who I am to be a part of someone else's life.  But there's a very important part of me...work.  I love to work.  I'm the quintessential, Type A, workaholic.  I take a large amount of pride of going to work, doing work, doing a great job and impressing my supervisor's, coworkers and clients (if applicable.)  I can think outside the box.  I can put in as many hours as you need for me to get something accomplished. 

I love higher level thinking tasks, but use mundane things like data entry for problem solving time.

That being said, I was let go from my job yesterday for "perpetrating gossip."  Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means...or how others in my office, specifically two individuals, escaped this.  I work in an office with 9 women and one man...the man is the boss/owner.  In one week, three of us were terminated...three very different reasons.  I was the last.  An office full of women.....and there's to be no gossip???? I guess what there really shouldn't be is the back-stabbing, finger pointing, tattle telling part of the gossip that happened.  Did I engage in the act...yep, I was part of conversations that discussed other people, policies we didn't like, actions by our boss that we were concerned about.  Was I perpetrating these discussions...nope...these women came to me!  Did we all have valid concerns...absolutely.  Should we have addressed these to the boss?  Probably, but he's set himself as unapproachable with anything like this...so we conversed with each other.  Given the climate, I guess a few were more worried about their own asses and had to throw someone under the bus.  Karma's a bitch ladies!

I don't know what to do without having work to do.  I've been in and out of tears since yesterday...and as most of you know...I just don't cry.  I'm devastated.  I worked my ass off for that man.  Dozens of 50+ hour weeks.  Client calls when no one was taking them.  Working on reports when no one else but the boss was doing them.  Now, I've got nothing!  Nada. Zip. Zilch...except a dwindling bank account and a lot of free time.  Tears that no one is around to dry...and a feeling of worthlessness.  This will pass, I know it will...but damn, I'm more pissed that I have no work to do than that the stupid, fucked up reason I was let go!

For a Friend

He stands atop an emerald knoll,
Eyes to the sky, searching for an answer.

He stands atop a jade hilltop,
Eyes to the partner crests, searching for a soul.

Scouring the valleys for the one he's missing,
Eyes squinted for increased focus, searching for that comfort.

The warmth of a breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace.  Longing to feel those again, alive again.

Warmth radiates from above with the evaporation of the murky sky,
Replaced with brilliant sunlight.

He stands atop a dune, face turned up, red with heat.
Feeling the warmth of a missing breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,  
The support of an embrace...feeling the missing, knowing he's alive....and never alone.