Even and Odd

In and Out.  Left and Right. Forward and Backward.  Light and Dark.  On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post.  I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm.  A lot of humbug kind of stuff.  Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them. 

That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy.  I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm.  But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster.  I've fallen into and out of relationships.  I've lost incredible family members, including my god father.  I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job.  I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled.  I've felt valued and dismissed.  And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.

I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche.  Over the last  15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble.  I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt.  This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year.  I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable.  What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life?  What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?

Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world.  I don't know how to find my way.  I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years.  Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.

Happy New Year Dear Reader!  My glass is raised to each and every one of you.  May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!

I woke up this morning and there was a light blanket of snow on the cars, the grass, the trees.  While being cold is my least favorite thing....the blanket of snow against the darker colors fills me with calmness.  And believe me...calmness is something that is hard for me to find. 

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good.  I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband.  And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane. 

You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life.  I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces.  I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"?  As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find.  I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances.  All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life. 

So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't?  Irony at it's best, dear reader.  So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.

Memories

This past Tuesday, November 2nd, my grandmother would have been 80 years old.  She died in March of 2001 and that moment paralyzed me.  Any walls that I had up before got bigger, stronger.  I could never have imagined the pain that I felt.  Heart aching, gut wrenching.  I never thought I'd survive.  The four to six months after her death were a blur....I hardly ate.  I did homework  I volunteered at Head Start.  But nothing felt the same.  Nothing sounded the same.  Nothing tasted the same.  I couldn't imagine a world without her in it.  I couldn't imagine living in a world without her in it.

They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie.  My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago.  Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me.  She's gone, she's not coming back.  I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated.  Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok.  Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo.  But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more. 

Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life.  I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it.  There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it.  I live in it.  In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma.  She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt.  Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away. 

What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt.  It means that I loved.  It means that I felt.  It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others.  So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.

Not Again!

Take a close look at the picture on the left....that is my life for the next few weeks....and it's not the first time I've had to wear this.  Two Novembers ago, I had surgery on my right foot to reattach my ligament to my ankle.  I wore the boot that time for nearly two months.  It was horrible.  It holds the heat in and overheats my body.  It's bulky, and hard to maneuver.  And let's not even mention the fact that I couldn't drive for months!

So, why the boot?  Why the issues with the ligament?  It is a long story that goes back to 1988.  The first day of my junior year in high school...I actually fell going up the bleachers for Junior Assembly.  Severe sprain that resulted in crutches for two weeks and an air cast for months.  June 1993, walking back to my car, on Whiting Naval Air Station, I twisted my ankle on the curb...yet another severe sprain and crutches for a bit...while we were moving no less.  January 2006...I actually went nearly 13 years without an injury....I was walking down the stairs in the dark in the middle of the night and stepped on the damn cat sleeping.  Severe sprain...crutches for a few weeks...and missed follow up with an orthopedic.  A few years later, I began exercising and my foot really starting hurting me.  Result...unattached ligament from all of the trauma.  Surgery and boot.

The great thing about that is I kept the crutches and the boot.  The Sunday before Labor Day we were at the Annual Corn Roast (a family/friend reunion that a friend's family puts together) and my friend asked me to help her get the watermelons out of the cellar.  Being a good friend, I say sure...why not.   Carrying the large, spiked watermelon in front of me, I cannot watch where my feet are going on each step.  So, I couldn't see that there was a much larger lip on the doorway to the outside than I anticipated.....and over I went.  I felt and heard my bone crack and just let myself fall because I knew if I fought, I would make it worse.  Thankfully...2/3 of the Minot Volunteer Fire Department were there to help me.  One in particular took care of my foot...secured it...took down my demographics...talked me through muscle spasms.  I also had some very awesome friends around me...old and new!  One allowed me to muckle onto her leg with my nails and squeeze to help keep my foot relaxed during muscle spasms.  One took pictures that I am still waiting to see on facebook.  And one called 911......Now THIS is the funny part of the story.

While she was on the phone with 911, she being the one I helped with the watermelons, her back was to me and I didn't realize she was on the phone...I said...really loudly and jokingly...That is the last time I help you with watermelon Bitch!  The dispatcher, instead of confirming that it was an actual threat, flagged the call as a domestic disturbance....thereby barring the paramedics from coming into the yard to get  me until state police could get on the scene and secure it.  Now my friend calling 911...her husband is also on the Minot FD and heard the domestic disturbance chatter on the radio and promptly fixed the issue.  So, a ride to the hospital, a few hours in the ER and xrays later...and here I sit...broken foot and walking cast on.

When I do something, dear reader, I do it big!

My Lunchtime Companion

For the last week, I've declined to go on my daily walk...the hot, humid weather is just not agreeing with me.  I'm a summer baby...and I LOVE the summer....but this year, it was just too much...too much 90+ days and too much damn humidity.  I found myself retreating to my air conditioned room shortly after coming home from work.  Or going to bed early as my excuse to be in there. I even stopped going swimming...the short walk to the water access was just too much between the heat, humidity and dust kick up from passing cars....it was safer and more pleasant to stay home.

So, for the last week, I've spent my time laying on my back staring up into the leaves of this tree.  Each day there's been a warm breeze and each day I either come close to dozing off...or dozing off until someone sends me a message on my blackberry.  It's been a comforting sound and a comforting experience.  I'm able to go back to my office refreshed and rejuvenated.  It's kind of been a centering experience for me...I'm finding my "ooo saaa" as I like to call it.  (From "Bad Boys") 

Sadly, the leaves are already starting to change on the tree...at the very top.  My days of sitting underneath it and listening to it's lullaby will soon be over...but not before it turns a brilliant yellow. 

The Moment

There's always a moment in your life when you know things will never be the same....and for some of us...we identify that moment just before it happens or as it's happening.  It could be that look from your lover when you know that they more than just like you.  Or it could be the goosebumps on your skin when you know something bad is about to happen and change your life forever.  It could be the long awaited moment when you know your child is about to take their first unassisted steps....you just know! 

It could be the moment when you know your life is about to come crashing down around you.  Shattered into a million pieces, making you wonder if you can recover, recoup, revive.  These moments help define us...it's not the moment itself, but how we deal with it.  What are the steps to recovery, recoup and revival?  How do you face it? 

Do you reflect and self-analyze and wonder what YOU could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome?  Do you deflect and lay the blame on one person alone, believing you are the only one wronged? hurting? made the right moves?  Do you listen with open ears, open mind and open heart and try to understand what's going on in the minds of those involved? Do you shut yourself down, close yourself off, suffering in your isolation and not realizing that people are human, people make mistakes, and people learn from them?

Me...I self-analyze.  In fact, as my friends will attest to, I over analyze.  I wonder what I did to perpetuate the situation.  What could I have done to make it different?  How did that other person(people) feel?  What were they thinking at the "moment"? 

The gut-wrenching, life ending hurt eventually dissipates and you move on...you have to. 

How do you want to be defined during "the moment"?

Moving Forwards by Moving Backwards?

Yesterday was "going backwards" day for me.  I spent the day with people who I haven't seen in twenty years or more.  The first part of the day was spent at the surprise 40th Birthday Party for someone who graduated two years before me...but left a huge impression on my life during my high school years.  To help her enter into this new decade of life were other high school friends.  I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed these people.  The last part of the day was spent at my 20th Reunion. 

I usually dread going to these things...even though I "helped" with setting it up.  I didn't always feel like I fit into any group/clique at school...perhaps I did that to myself more than anything...but everyone seemed so set and I always felt like I had to try so hard to be part of the conversations, planning, just plain being liked.  I always felt like I was on the outside looking in (see an older post.)  But at the same time, I also felt like I had this huge secret to hide.  My  mother was suicidal and often in the psych wards across the state.  I was helping my father raise my brother's....who were so far from angels.  And I didn't want anyone to know what was going on.  A few people really close to me did, but for the most part...I think everyone might have just thought I was the standoffish girl who couldn't afford to go to Tabers, Roys, the Mall....so why bother asking.  And from my point of view....I perhaps just tried too damn hard to fit in.  I should have just stayed true to myself instead of trying to encompass the personalities and likes of those around me.  I should have not been ashamed of my life....after all, it made me who I am today....and I'm kinda liking me, for the most part.

One of the things I found most interesting last night was the comments on my facebook posts and my blogs.  At first I wasn't sure how to take them....some of my facebook posts are done at really bad times and someone should really take my phone away...some of them I honestly post to make people scratch their heads and see if they are paying attention.  As for my blog...this space is for me...this is my therapy.  I share it because, selfishly, I'm hoping that some thing in here helps someone....maybe gives that teenage gir,l in a seemingly impossible situation, some insight and respite.  But one of the things I realized in the last 36 hours is that sometimes to move forward, you have to move backwards.  You have to revisit the past, find those people that made you feel good and relive it...get a good firm grasp of who you were in order to become who you will be.