Music plays a large role in my life...it always has and always will. Every song has a meaning. Every rhythm speaks to your psyche. I love to share my passion for music with others. I love for them to hear what I'm hearing...to feel what I'm feeling...to experience something together. Joy, laughter, hurt, sorrow, anger, love.....it's part of what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. Feelings and sharing.....a combination that makes our world seem a little closer.
As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day. It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling. Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal. If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album. Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen. Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.
I hope you can hear what I hear. I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message. I hope you see that this is a healing album for me. I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect. That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life. I see some things so much more clearly. I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me. I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.
Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Cosmic Meanderings
Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader. Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better. I have had so many downs...and so few ups. I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments. As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why??? Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???
I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth. I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything. I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I am innately good. But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble. They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!! EVER!!!! Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality. They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.
I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that. Or rather, I used to feel that way. I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility. (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't want to think the world revolves around me. I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises. I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love.
It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly. It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly. Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles.
You love deeply, dear reader! Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply. When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you. You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled. Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.
I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth. I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything. I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I am innately good. But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble. They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!! EVER!!!! Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality. They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.
I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that. Or rather, I used to feel that way. I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility. (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't want to think the world revolves around me. I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises. I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love.
It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly. It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly. Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles.
You love deeply, dear reader! Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply. When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you. You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled. Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A Letter to My Brothers
Dear M and C,
I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you're struggling through another custody battle (M) and learning to live for a small wage, low hours at minimum wage while living far away from home (C). I wanted to let you know that things are going "OK" here in New England.
Dad is as grumpy as ever. His COPD and emphysemaa make any kind of activity difficult for him. At 59 years of age, it's really hard to adjust to doing nothing...all of the time. Every small twinge of pain becomes life threatening. Waking up with stiff joints means you're dying. A long night without sleep...obviously a brain tumor. No one hears you beep your horn in the driveway...yet another source of aggravation. Two, unobstructed, hernias mean that every abdominal pain means you've suddenly got an obstruction and need immediate medical attention.
I've been woken up numerous times in the last few months to hearing our father "writhing" in pain only to find out it's gas from the beer he's had to drink that day. Or maybe it's just that he actually passed out and laid in one position for far too long and his muscles are protesting. A stomach flu, that had been going around, resulted in an 11 hour emergency room trip that ended with me suffering from exhaustion and dehydration...all while my family slept/went to school/worked/nearly homeless in Lewiston/working in Virginia. But hey, I'm the oldest right? It's my job to take care of these things.......right?
Mom is in the hospital again. It seems the latest string of therapists believe she's been denying her abuses from long ago long enough and it's time to deal with them. Suicidal thoughts abound...people afraid she'll harm herself...and a 72 hour psych hold in Rhode Island....three hours away from me, her nearest....RESPONSIBLE...relative. Nancy has been awesome during all of this. As usual, I trust her judgement implicitly. I just wish I could be down there giving our mother the care and attention she deserves. Being sexually abused your entire childhood takes a horrible, horrible toll on a person. I long to envelope our mother in my arms and let her know that SHE IS SAFE! No one shall harm her while I'm on the watch. Alas, I'm in the middle of my own familial drama.
I quickly found a place for my family, and our father, to move since the landlady needs her house back. Moving day is this weekend. I've been packing and throwing and purging and reliving portions of my life that are happy, sad and difficult for a month now. I remembered the day I got married, when I came across my bouquet. C...you spent the night before with Kip because we knew YOU could remember how to get to the house where the ceremony was. M...you cried because you thought you were losing your sister.
I don't think I ever was your sister. I think I was the person who stepped in when Mom just couldn't anymore. I took the calls in the middle of the night, from the police department because you were stupid! I made sure you got up for the bus in the morning. I cooked, I cleaned, I circumvented. I gave up soooo much to help Dad (and Mom) try to maintain some sort of semblance of a family life...to help you two feel that you were a part of a family. And what did I do that for?
I love you both...but you only talk to me when you want something...neither one of you are really there when I need you....like now...neither one of you take an active role in our parent's care. In some ways, I think I was an actually an only child. As I sit here at my dining room table, on the last Friday night I will spend in a place I've called home for nearly four years...I really wonder...do I have brothers? Are we a cohesive unit? I mean, C isn't talking to me because I didn't remember his birthday (I remembered, I choose not to acknowledge) and only contacts me when he wants money...and M only looks for me when he has laundry to do and is broke 3 days after getting paid. I've given a lot of my life to you...to worrying about you...to caring for you...to making you more important than my husband and children......and yet, I still sit here caring for OUR parents alone.
I feel lonely. Kip is an only child and he feels less lonely than I do...the oldest of three. That ought to say something to me....to me. I will continue to care for OUR parents...because someone has to. Dad's been living with me for 7 years...he's verbally abused my children, suspected physical abuse of my dog...and has told people that I do nothing for him. Mom sits in a psych ward sounding drugged to the hilt and really needs something I cannot give her at the moment....and the two people in my life I should be able to count on for help at THIS moment in time are MIA.....I'm not exactly sure what I did to draw this straw...but I promise, as I struggle through dealing with it all, I will find a way to make this a positive for me.
Love your sister,
Velma
I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you're struggling through another custody battle (M) and learning to live for a small wage, low hours at minimum wage while living far away from home (C). I wanted to let you know that things are going "OK" here in New England.
Dad is as grumpy as ever. His COPD and emphysemaa make any kind of activity difficult for him. At 59 years of age, it's really hard to adjust to doing nothing...all of the time. Every small twinge of pain becomes life threatening. Waking up with stiff joints means you're dying. A long night without sleep...obviously a brain tumor. No one hears you beep your horn in the driveway...yet another source of aggravation. Two, unobstructed, hernias mean that every abdominal pain means you've suddenly got an obstruction and need immediate medical attention.
I've been woken up numerous times in the last few months to hearing our father "writhing" in pain only to find out it's gas from the beer he's had to drink that day. Or maybe it's just that he actually passed out and laid in one position for far too long and his muscles are protesting. A stomach flu, that had been going around, resulted in an 11 hour emergency room trip that ended with me suffering from exhaustion and dehydration...all while my family slept/went to school/worked/nearly homeless in Lewiston/working in Virginia. But hey, I'm the oldest right? It's my job to take care of these things.......right?
Mom is in the hospital again. It seems the latest string of therapists believe she's been denying her abuses from long ago long enough and it's time to deal with them. Suicidal thoughts abound...people afraid she'll harm herself...and a 72 hour psych hold in Rhode Island....three hours away from me, her nearest....RESPONSIBLE...relative. Nancy has been awesome during all of this. As usual, I trust her judgement implicitly. I just wish I could be down there giving our mother the care and attention she deserves. Being sexually abused your entire childhood takes a horrible, horrible toll on a person. I long to envelope our mother in my arms and let her know that SHE IS SAFE! No one shall harm her while I'm on the watch. Alas, I'm in the middle of my own familial drama.
I quickly found a place for my family, and our father, to move since the landlady needs her house back. Moving day is this weekend. I've been packing and throwing and purging and reliving portions of my life that are happy, sad and difficult for a month now. I remembered the day I got married, when I came across my bouquet. C...you spent the night before with Kip because we knew YOU could remember how to get to the house where the ceremony was. M...you cried because you thought you were losing your sister.
I don't think I ever was your sister. I think I was the person who stepped in when Mom just couldn't anymore. I took the calls in the middle of the night, from the police department because you were stupid! I made sure you got up for the bus in the morning. I cooked, I cleaned, I circumvented. I gave up soooo much to help Dad (and Mom) try to maintain some sort of semblance of a family life...to help you two feel that you were a part of a family. And what did I do that for?
I love you both...but you only talk to me when you want something...neither one of you are really there when I need you....like now...neither one of you take an active role in our parent's care. In some ways, I think I was an actually an only child. As I sit here at my dining room table, on the last Friday night I will spend in a place I've called home for nearly four years...I really wonder...do I have brothers? Are we a cohesive unit? I mean, C isn't talking to me because I didn't remember his birthday (I remembered, I choose not to acknowledge) and only contacts me when he wants money...and M only looks for me when he has laundry to do and is broke 3 days after getting paid. I've given a lot of my life to you...to worrying about you...to caring for you...to making you more important than my husband and children......and yet, I still sit here caring for OUR parents alone.
I feel lonely. Kip is an only child and he feels less lonely than I do...the oldest of three. That ought to say something to me....to me. I will continue to care for OUR parents...because someone has to. Dad's been living with me for 7 years...he's verbally abused my children, suspected physical abuse of my dog...and has told people that I do nothing for him. Mom sits in a psych ward sounding drugged to the hilt and really needs something I cannot give her at the moment....and the two people in my life I should be able to count on for help at THIS moment in time are MIA.....I'm not exactly sure what I did to draw this straw...but I promise, as I struggle through dealing with it all, I will find a way to make this a positive for me.
Love your sister,
Velma
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Knowing When to Let Go and Having the Strength
Letting go...is never easy. It could be finally accepting the death of a loved one and letting the pain go, allowing a child grow and move on to adulthood, saying good bye to someone you love who isn't there for you anymore or letting go of a friendship that just isn't good for you. Whatever it is...there are steps everyone must go through to get a place of acceptance and peace. It takes courage, strength and the right frame of mind.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take a good look at the relationships I have with others. I've spent a lot of time the last few weeks really analyzing my interactions with other people, trying to understand my role in the relationships....my strengths, my weaknesses, my important contributions. Self reflection is never a bad thing, but I tend to let mine paralyze me. I tend to see things through extremely critical eyes (especially myself)...and I've learned that I will almost always take the blame to stop an argument. Or maybe I take the blame because no matter how toxic the relationship is...I can't stand to let it go and move forward. This is probably partly because I'm a Leo and loyal to the end...no matter who that loyalty is focused on.
So, over the last 4-5 weeks I've been doing an inventory of sorts...I know it's a cold sounding term, but I really took stock in those closest to me. Why am I close with them? Do they make me feel good about myself? Do they not? Do I contribute in a positive or negative manner in their lives? Do they contribute positively or negatively in mine? Am I friends with them because they are a connection to someone else? Is this a relationship that is worthy of a no-holds barred connection? Can I be honest with them? Can I accept honesty from them? Are they really more of an acquaintance and not the close friend I keep wanting them to be?
Added to this, and as I've maybe noted in previous posts, I have spent my entire life putting other people and their feelings ahead of mine. It's detrimental to my psyche and I'm starting to see this. Everyone is egocentric to a point, and we should be. Our world should revolve, to some degree, around us. It's all well and good to ensure the safety, sanity and well being of others...but not at the cost of ignoring your own. This has been my life lesson the last year or so...and I'm ready to take that lesson and apply it to my life.
As a result, I've redefined the relationships that I have with some people. I've either stepped back or let go of the toxic relationships that I allowed to cause me harm. Note, I said "I allowed to cause me harm." You see, I'm adult and enlightened enough to be able to take responsibility for my actions. I let people take me for granted. I let people continue to walk all over me. I let people forget that I have valid feelings that need resolution. I place myself in these situations and then struggle to "fix them." You can't fix what is unfix-able...you can only fix you.
I have finally figured out it's time to "let go" (or redefine) of some relationships. And I believe I have the strength to make these changes. Some people aren't (or won't be) happy with me...or the changes they see in me. But the important thing here is that I'm finally placing importance on myself and doing good by me. I now have to find the strength to accept this about myself and enforce myself to follow it.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take a good look at the relationships I have with others. I've spent a lot of time the last few weeks really analyzing my interactions with other people, trying to understand my role in the relationships....my strengths, my weaknesses, my important contributions. Self reflection is never a bad thing, but I tend to let mine paralyze me. I tend to see things through extremely critical eyes (especially myself)...and I've learned that I will almost always take the blame to stop an argument. Or maybe I take the blame because no matter how toxic the relationship is...I can't stand to let it go and move forward. This is probably partly because I'm a Leo and loyal to the end...no matter who that loyalty is focused on.
So, over the last 4-5 weeks I've been doing an inventory of sorts...I know it's a cold sounding term, but I really took stock in those closest to me. Why am I close with them? Do they make me feel good about myself? Do they not? Do I contribute in a positive or negative manner in their lives? Do they contribute positively or negatively in mine? Am I friends with them because they are a connection to someone else? Is this a relationship that is worthy of a no-holds barred connection? Can I be honest with them? Can I accept honesty from them? Are they really more of an acquaintance and not the close friend I keep wanting them to be?
Added to this, and as I've maybe noted in previous posts, I have spent my entire life putting other people and their feelings ahead of mine. It's detrimental to my psyche and I'm starting to see this. Everyone is egocentric to a point, and we should be. Our world should revolve, to some degree, around us. It's all well and good to ensure the safety, sanity and well being of others...but not at the cost of ignoring your own. This has been my life lesson the last year or so...and I'm ready to take that lesson and apply it to my life.
As a result, I've redefined the relationships that I have with some people. I've either stepped back or let go of the toxic relationships that I allowed to cause me harm. Note, I said "I allowed to cause me harm." You see, I'm adult and enlightened enough to be able to take responsibility for my actions. I let people take me for granted. I let people continue to walk all over me. I let people forget that I have valid feelings that need resolution. I place myself in these situations and then struggle to "fix them." You can't fix what is unfix-able...you can only fix you.
I have finally figured out it's time to "let go" (or redefine) of some relationships. And I believe I have the strength to make these changes. Some people aren't (or won't be) happy with me...or the changes they see in me. But the important thing here is that I'm finally placing importance on myself and doing good by me. I now have to find the strength to accept this about myself and enforce myself to follow it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Even and Odd
In and Out. Left and Right. Forward and Backward. Light and Dark. On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post. I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm. A lot of humbug kind of stuff. Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them.
That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy. I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm. But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster. I've fallen into and out of relationships. I've lost incredible family members, including my god father. I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job. I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled. I've felt valued and dismissed. And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.
I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche. Over the last 15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt. This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year. I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable. What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life? What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?
Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world. I don't know how to find my way. I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years. Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.
Happy New Year Dear Reader! My glass is raised to each and every one of you. May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!
That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy. I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm. But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster. I've fallen into and out of relationships. I've lost incredible family members, including my god father. I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job. I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled. I've felt valued and dismissed. And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.
I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche. Over the last 15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt. This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year. I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable. What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life? What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?
Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world. I don't know how to find my way. I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years. Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.
Happy New Year Dear Reader! My glass is raised to each and every one of you. May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I woke up this morning and there was a light blanket of snow on the cars, the grass, the trees. While being cold is my least favorite thing....the blanket of snow against the darker colors fills me with calmness. And believe me...calmness is something that is hard for me to find.
A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband. And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane.
You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life. I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces. I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"? As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find. I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances. All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life.
So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't? Irony at it's best, dear reader. So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.
A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband. And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane.
You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life. I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces. I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"? As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find. I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances. All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life.
So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't? Irony at it's best, dear reader. So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Memories
This past Tuesday, November 2nd, my grandmother would have been 80 years old. She died in March of 2001 and that moment paralyzed me. Any walls that I had up before got bigger, stronger. I could never have imagined the pain that I felt. Heart aching, gut wrenching. I never thought I'd survive. The four to six months after her death were a blur....I hardly ate. I did homework I volunteered at Head Start. But nothing felt the same. Nothing sounded the same. Nothing tasted the same. I couldn't imagine a world without her in it. I couldn't imagine living in a world without her in it.
They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie. My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago. Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me. She's gone, she's not coming back. I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated. Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok. Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo. But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more.
Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life. I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it. There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it. I live in it. In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma. She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt. Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away.
What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt. It means that I loved. It means that I felt. It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others. So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.
They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie. My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago. Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me. She's gone, she's not coming back. I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated. Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok. Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo. But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more.
Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life. I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it. There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it. I live in it. In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma. She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt. Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away.
What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt. It means that I loved. It means that I felt. It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others. So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.
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