My first day of vacation I found myself awake at 6:30am. My first thought was...what the hell??!?!?!? So, I shifted positions, my husband's arms around my waist, and practiced some deep breathing techniques in hopes that I would soon fall back to sleep and slumber until a more respectable vacation wake up time. 6:45am, and my mind is racing...I didn't finish reports for work, my kitchen needs to be cleaned up, the dining room "remodel" needs to be finished, I have to go to Auburn to get the new computer desk....STOP!!! I scream silently to myself. It's vacation....no worry zone!!
I close my eyes and try visualizing myself laying in the sun on a warm day. The heat radiating my face, seeping into my cells, my psyche, my soul, rejuvenating me. Muscles relaxing, mind relaxing....NOPE...7:00 am and I give in. Not able to take it anymore, I slip out of bed, get myself dressed in something more respectable than my birthday suit, and go out to the living room. My dining room is looking good with it's new coat of paint, my dining room table...now in the kitchen...is covered with various items: a monitor, cpu, keyboard, cups, salt and pepper shaker....but I make room for my laptop.
And the first thing I do is check my work email???? What is wrong with me? Well, given the volume of emails I receive in a day, it's probably good to at least check them....less catch up when I return to work. Right? Right? Ok, I am trying to convince myself. I admit it. I'm addicted to working...and I'm working on it...I really, really am. In fact, I shut down my work email. And now, I'm simply surfing the web, I forgot what that was like.
So, back to my story...I was sitting at the table, laptop powered up, cup of ice water to my right....and nothing else. I could hear every creak in the house. My niece snoring in the living room (I think she has sleep apnea.) The monitor heater occasionally turning on to heat the house. I think I even heard a mouse scampering through the walls...yes, we have mice. Please do not tell my mother. The dog was pacing upstairs, probably waiting for his boy to wake up and bring him outside.
About an hour later, movement started to become more pronounced. Matthew came downstairs. The dog started to ask to be brought out. My brother made coffee. Aaron turned on the computer in the living room. Coffee pot brewing, computer humming, people stretching, dogs whining....my house was waking up.
I've been alone in my home before, usually in the afternoons on Saturdays. Sitting at my table, iced water to my right, I enjoyed the sounds of my home waking up. That is a good way to start a vacation.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
What song is in your head?
Music is the soul of life...at least that's my opinion. For every single major moment of my life, there's a song associated with it. Some are musically brilliant songs, some aren't great musically, but their message is clear. When I think about meeting my husband "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" by Glen Medeiros. Our wedding: "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. The death of my grandmother "I Will Remember You" and "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan. When I'm angry "Winter" by Vivaldi. When I need peace "Mozart's Clarinet Concerto" uh...by Mozart, I think. I could go on and on and on. Sometimes I'm not even aware that these songs have these connections for me. The song plays and I instantly go there...suspended in time for a few moments.
I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.
My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.
There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.
What song is stuck in your head?
I've recently rediscovered my interest in playing and performing music. This is due in part to a few people in my life encouraging me to do so. It was hard to allow myself this "me time" at first. After all, I should be coming home from work and ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now, one night a week, I work late (later than normal for those that are rolling their eyes) and head to rehearsal, not returning home until after 10pm. A long day in the middle of the week....but for two hours I'm lost in a world that exists only for me. In my younger years, that place that I went to was my sanctuary. I could escape the drama of my daily life and forget it existed. It was my place to feel safe, normal, sane, valued, and most of all....complete.
My life, for the most part, is great! I'm surrounded by people who, individually speak to a specific part of who I am (something I'm still learning); and collectively, help me feel whole. I've got the friend that I can go and vent to...because the over-analytical me needs this outlet. I've got the friend who's been by my side for over 22 years....because he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and is my soul mate. I've got the friend who won't allow me to be self-destructive...because that's one of my worst qualities. I've got the friend who encourages me to push deeper into my thoughts/feelings/experiences....because he recognizes that this is a journey that I must take to evolve my spiritual self. I've got the friends who make me laugh so hard I cry and make me feel younger than I am...because our children should help us remember and recapture parts of our youth...especially if your youth never existed. Again, another list that can go on and on. But together, these people, help me see my life through different lenses and help me understand the path that I'm taking.
There are sometimes conflicts and drama with each friend, between sets of friends, or inside myself....conflicts and drama can be very important learning tools. But, after a little over 37 years on Earth, I'm finally beginning to feel whole. Now, to hold my breathe and fight off the feelings of imminent demise....that's my next obstacle.
What song is stuck in your head?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Mid-Life Crisis or Growing Into Me?
Happy Halloween Weekend!!!!
Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?
But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!
And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.
Much has been going on dear reader...stuff I want to share...and stuff I think I'll keep to myself for now. At times in the last few months since my last post, I've thought that I have been going through a crisis...a crisis of conscious? a crisis of identity? a crisis of too many things to do at one time? Perhaps an early mid-life crisis. I've found myself doing some out of character things...and I thought, for a short time, that I was really starting to lose it. I mean really, I've been through the whole "Who Am I?" phase that women in my position suffer from. In fact, I've been through it a few times...and each time, I never push past through to the answer. Why is that? What's stopping me? Am I afraid???? And if I'm afraid....what the hell am I afraid of?
But over the last few weeks, something has been happening in my life that has allowed me to view myself from a different perspective. A good perspective...it's not always a pleasant perspective. And, it's not always a bad perspective. But, it's always an honest perspective. And I appreciate honesty above all else. I'm at a good place in most of my relationships. Now, I need to find a good place in the relationship that means the most....the one with myself!
And now for the growing into me portion of my post....this weekend I went to this fantastic Halloween Party! I wore an awesome costume, flirted with a Scotsman, danced with a middle-age Charlie Brown, kissed a middle aged Lucy, battled a cave woman, sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow and even found time to get my nose pierced! Yes, I got a nose piercing...I'm 37 years old and dammit...I think they look cool and I wanted one. So, I got one. It hurt like hell when the needle was pushed through...and I think I called the piercer a son of a bitch...but I did something that I wanted to do for me...and didn't care what people thought about it....and you know what...it felt awesome! Perhaps, I'm finally starting to grow into me.
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