This past Tuesday, November 2nd, my grandmother would have been 80 years old. She died in March of 2001 and that moment paralyzed me. Any walls that I had up before got bigger, stronger. I could never have imagined the pain that I felt. Heart aching, gut wrenching. I never thought I'd survive. The four to six months after her death were a blur....I hardly ate. I did homework I volunteered at Head Start. But nothing felt the same. Nothing sounded the same. Nothing tasted the same. I couldn't imagine a world without her in it. I couldn't imagine living in a world without her in it.
They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie. My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago. Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me. She's gone, she's not coming back. I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated. Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok. Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo. But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more.
Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life. I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it. There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it. I live in it. In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma. She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt. Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away.
What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt. It means that I loved. It means that I felt. It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others. So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.
