What a world! Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own. Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs. We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down. We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.
I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.
Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience! Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything! I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month.
It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure. My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence. There is no gain without sacrifice...right?
Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness. Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.
