My husband and I are certainly no one to lecture about the importance of managing your money. We, ourselves, didn't have very good role models. I spent my entire childhood watching my parents juggle money only to run out and have the phone shut off, oil run out of the tank, electricity off for a week at a time. My husband's parents, clearly middle class, managed their money extremely well but didn't pass this knowledge on to their son. You see, they NEVER talked money and finances with him.
Yet, they were quick to give him the boot after high school graduation. From there he entered the United States Navy. Never known for being babysitters, the US Navy gave him money and he had no idea what to do with it!! Me, coming from less than humble beginnings...spent my money on the things I wanted when I wanted. It wasn't long into our marriage that we found ourselves in a lot of financial trouble that took us YEARS to get out of. Our credit score was still lacking but we were able to get financing for a home in Connecticut.
My father, suffering from COPD and emphysema, came down seriously ill and was in ICU for several weeks. With young children, I was relying on him to ensure that they safely came home from school and stayed safe. This couldn't happen when he was in the hospital. I asked my employer to grant me a sift in hours for the next few weeks to ensure the safety of my children. This was not allowed and I was unceremoniously let go...forced to choose between my family and my job! But, that is a different blog all together.
What followed was several months of unemployment. My husband was just starting out in the automotive technician field and his pay was less than cellar. Working with Option One Mortgage company was no picnic. They refused partial payments, in fact, they sent back payments that were not made in full. The refused to help us every step of the way. Of course, I don't think I ever spoke with an english speaking service representative.
Months of fighting the mortgage company, foreclosure notices and each other, we finally gave up and became one of the first Sub-Prime Mortgage Victims. Now, I don't place the entire blame on Option One...but they do own some of it. The point is....we couldn't handle our finances and now can't get financed for a slice of bread.
So why......why are those in "charge" at these banks getting a bailout and keeping their jobs. Why are their "grunt" workers being laid off while they continue to receive exhorbant incomes, bonsues and perks??? How has this bailout helped Main Street America? Small businesses all over America are closing because their lines of credit aren't being renewed...but hey James Dimon, Henry Meyer, Richard Fairbank and the TONS of other overpaid, hyped up executives can keep their multi-million dollar salaries, company perks and luxurious houses while people like us begin to look over the edge at homelessness, malnutrition, and utterly lack of help from our state and local governments. (If you click on the title of this post, you'll be forwarded to the msnbc.com article that prompted my rant.)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Paralyzed
Some people get paralyzed by their fears. Some get paralyzed by certain phobias like heights, bridges, dark rooms, water. And some get paralyzed by their own emotions. I'm not talking the kind of paralysis that cements your feet to the ground or has you gasping for breathe. I'm talking about the kind of paralysis where you psychologically cannot move...either forwards or backwards. I'm one of those people who gets paralyzed by my own emotions....feeling inferior being the biggest one.
All I've ever wanted was to fit in with everyone else. I didn't want to be different. I believe this all started shortly after my father moved us all from Connecticut to Lewiston, Maine. My family, at the age of 7, was my world. My best friend, Lisa (name changed), lived next door to me. I lived walking distance to my maternal grandparents, my mother's uncle, my dad's sister. If you've ever been to the foothills of Connecticut and you're familiar with the town Terryville, you'll understand that this was an extremely small community with little economic infastructure. And my father moved us to Lewiston, Maine...the second or third largest "city" in Maine??? I found myself lost in a sea of people. I entered 3rd grade and all of those cemented friendships had little room for me...and I had no confidence to build a plan to infiltrate.
Then my parents moved.....in 2 years we moved 3 times and finally ended up in New Auburn, Maine the summer before I began fifth grade. This feeling of not fitting in had started seeping in there...but it wasn't until middle school that I really felt it. Maybe it's because of what was happening with my family at the time. I felt I had to hide what happened at home...not out of shame, but out of survival. No one wants to be friends with the kid with the crazy mom, three colored house, junk cars in the yard and trouble maker brothers. It probably didn't help that I somehow earned the distinction of not being like by the most popular girl in our grade, Susan (named changed.) And Susan had it all....money, looks, talent, parents who were normal and successful. I avoided her on the playground everyday for the longest time because she threatened to punch me. I wonder now if I had stood up to her, how would things be different. Alas, this isn't a Hollywood movie is it? Nope, I tucked my tail between my legs and dealt with the lumps life gave me.
To this day, I still moan about not being good enough, not fitting in. And a good friend (you know who you are) helped me realize that I've built walls so massive and then added a cocoon around myself that the real me is crying to get out. Maybe she's gone from crying to screaming. It's probably not a good thing that I over-analyze everything and therefore read into every word, body movement to help instill this feeling of inferiority. It's literally strangled my ability to trust people, like people, let people in. In fact, in response our conversation, I told my friend "I have walls because if I let people in, they hurt me!" And my past experiences have only served to cement all of these feelings. I had good friends in middle school.....then one of them had a father who followed me in his truck, tried to bring me into the back of his house and then denied the whole thing....the guidance counselor pull Tina, and her sister Tanya (names changed), into her office and told them of my accusations...can you say "good bye friends"?
And it's still happening now....whether it's all in my head or part of some sick form of karma....it's really sad that in a group of four people, you sometimes feel like the fifth wheel. But, I have to ask myself....how much of my insecurity am I bringing into this? And how much is my ever growing depression from being unemployed (and in a sense, incapacitated) fueling this fire? So I talk to my good friend and he says....."They are going to hurt you anyway." And you know what, he's right. (Go ahead, write it down, you know you want to.)
I talk to my life partner, soulmate, husband....who perhaps knows me better than I know myself. And being part of the group of four, he's got first hand knowledge...and he is struggling with how to help me through this. How can he stop me from hurting from these things? It's never going to go away. But I've got really good people around me to help me through the process. And as my own personal defense mechanism, I'll continue to over-analyze everything...it's both a blessing and a curse. But I won't, can't, give it up. It's what keeps me from turning into my mother.
All I've ever wanted was to fit in with everyone else. I didn't want to be different. I believe this all started shortly after my father moved us all from Connecticut to Lewiston, Maine. My family, at the age of 7, was my world. My best friend, Lisa (name changed), lived next door to me. I lived walking distance to my maternal grandparents, my mother's uncle, my dad's sister. If you've ever been to the foothills of Connecticut and you're familiar with the town Terryville, you'll understand that this was an extremely small community with little economic infastructure. And my father moved us to Lewiston, Maine...the second or third largest "city" in Maine??? I found myself lost in a sea of people. I entered 3rd grade and all of those cemented friendships had little room for me...and I had no confidence to build a plan to infiltrate.
Then my parents moved.....in 2 years we moved 3 times and finally ended up in New Auburn, Maine the summer before I began fifth grade. This feeling of not fitting in had started seeping in there...but it wasn't until middle school that I really felt it. Maybe it's because of what was happening with my family at the time. I felt I had to hide what happened at home...not out of shame, but out of survival. No one wants to be friends with the kid with the crazy mom, three colored house, junk cars in the yard and trouble maker brothers. It probably didn't help that I somehow earned the distinction of not being like by the most popular girl in our grade, Susan (named changed.) And Susan had it all....money, looks, talent, parents who were normal and successful. I avoided her on the playground everyday for the longest time because she threatened to punch me. I wonder now if I had stood up to her, how would things be different. Alas, this isn't a Hollywood movie is it? Nope, I tucked my tail between my legs and dealt with the lumps life gave me.
To this day, I still moan about not being good enough, not fitting in. And a good friend (you know who you are) helped me realize that I've built walls so massive and then added a cocoon around myself that the real me is crying to get out. Maybe she's gone from crying to screaming. It's probably not a good thing that I over-analyze everything and therefore read into every word, body movement to help instill this feeling of inferiority. It's literally strangled my ability to trust people, like people, let people in. In fact, in response our conversation, I told my friend "I have walls because if I let people in, they hurt me!" And my past experiences have only served to cement all of these feelings. I had good friends in middle school.....then one of them had a father who followed me in his truck, tried to bring me into the back of his house and then denied the whole thing....the guidance counselor pull Tina, and her sister Tanya (names changed), into her office and told them of my accusations...can you say "good bye friends"?
And it's still happening now....whether it's all in my head or part of some sick form of karma....it's really sad that in a group of four people, you sometimes feel like the fifth wheel. But, I have to ask myself....how much of my insecurity am I bringing into this? And how much is my ever growing depression from being unemployed (and in a sense, incapacitated) fueling this fire? So I talk to my good friend and he says....."They are going to hurt you anyway." And you know what, he's right. (Go ahead, write it down, you know you want to.)
I talk to my life partner, soulmate, husband....who perhaps knows me better than I know myself. And being part of the group of four, he's got first hand knowledge...and he is struggling with how to help me through this. How can he stop me from hurting from these things? It's never going to go away. But I've got really good people around me to help me through the process. And as my own personal defense mechanism, I'll continue to over-analyze everything...it's both a blessing and a curse. But I won't, can't, give it up. It's what keeps me from turning into my mother.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
For A Moment
For a moment, the world stopped today. Whether you're liberal or conservative; democrat or republican; white or black; young or old; man or woman; you cannot deny the historical and social significance of today. Barack Obama will become our first African American president. He's sending a message to the world and to our youth that anything is possible. You can do it. We can do it. It can be done.
He's united a country torn apart by war, greed and social inequalities. While we cannot ignore those who speak vehemently against Mr. Obama, or who wish him harm, today is not a day to focus on those short-sighted individuals who lack the ability to think outside their own boxes.
Today, we open our minds to hope. Hope that Mr. Obama will be able to carry out the majority of his campaign promises. Hope that Mr. Obama will restore the American Dream....a dream that is less about financial propserity and more about pride in ourselves, our neighbors, our country. Hope that social equality is within our grasp once again....because without social equality, America loses it's lustre.
Good luck Mr. Obama. May your road be paved with opportunities to make US better.
He's united a country torn apart by war, greed and social inequalities. While we cannot ignore those who speak vehemently against Mr. Obama, or who wish him harm, today is not a day to focus on those short-sighted individuals who lack the ability to think outside their own boxes.
Today, we open our minds to hope. Hope that Mr. Obama will be able to carry out the majority of his campaign promises. Hope that Mr. Obama will restore the American Dream....a dream that is less about financial propserity and more about pride in ourselves, our neighbors, our country. Hope that social equality is within our grasp once again....because without social equality, America loses it's lustre.
Good luck Mr. Obama. May your road be paved with opportunities to make US better.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Outside Looking In
Has it really been a year and a half since I blogged??? So, I had to ask myself why? Well, first I thought I would start with the question: why do any of us blog? I suppose we've got something to say and hope that someone wants to hear us. For me....I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. In fact, I've tentatively started a book titled "Outside Looking In." It is semi-autobiographical. Mostly because I'm not imaginative enough to come up with something new. Besides, like Harry Potter, my adolescence wasn't exactly an easy road to follow. There were no BFF's, no parents with the financial resources to acquiesce to your every whim. Life was extremely hard for me.
I used to lament that I had no close friends....from childhood, and now, to adulthood. Making those connections has always been difficult for me. And I have to wonder why. At 36, I like who I am. I would be friends with me. Some reflections on my own actions....a task that only comes with age and maturity...I realized that my walls in middle and high school were so high that it was nearly impossible for anyone to get through. I was, quite plainly, a bitch. If I had something to say to you, I just said it. Regardless of your reaction...regardless of your feelings. I felt that utter honesty was the best policy, no matter the consequences.
For those old high school classmates reading this.....did you know that since the age of 12, I struggled with a suicidal mother. After suppressing years and years of child molestation, my mother finally woke up at 32 and started to remember it all!!! Her response was various and numerous attempts to take her life. Around the same age, I became "mom" in my house in all actions except the bedroom. I helped my father raise my little brothers. I helped him manage our money. I disciplined, took the calls from the Auburn PD, cooked, cleaned, shopped. I grew up so much faster than everyone around me that by the time we were all in high school, there was little anyone could really offer me. And I knew that, if only subconsciously.
I knew that there were more important things in life than what store at the mall you got your clothes at, or what John Smith said about Jane Doe in the cafeteria. Yet, I had no way to tell anyone. I wasn't aware of it myself, consciously. So, for those who found me aloof, bitchy, standoffish, I apologize. I accept my part for not "fitting in." I have connected with some of you in the last few months and I realize....you really are nice people. And you probably were 20 years ago. I was just so closed off back then, that I couldn't see it myself.
So, I've got a recommitment for my blog. I want this to become a place where people can reflect on their lives and maybe help that someone dealing with that hard issue. Give advice. Share hard times and how you got through it. I may tell memories about my past that are hard to hear. I will always change names....other than my own...to respect privacy...but this wont' be semi-autobiographical. This will be candid and true. And sometimes, it might be hard to read.
I'm not asking for apologies or sympathy. Really, what's done is done. This is my cathartic way of excersing old demons and destroying old walls. If I've remembered a memory incorrectly or you recognize it and want to show a different point of view, I welcome that. After all, I only saw it through my microscope, yours might be a lot different.
I used to lament that I had no close friends....from childhood, and now, to adulthood. Making those connections has always been difficult for me. And I have to wonder why. At 36, I like who I am. I would be friends with me. Some reflections on my own actions....a task that only comes with age and maturity...I realized that my walls in middle and high school were so high that it was nearly impossible for anyone to get through. I was, quite plainly, a bitch. If I had something to say to you, I just said it. Regardless of your reaction...regardless of your feelings. I felt that utter honesty was the best policy, no matter the consequences.
For those old high school classmates reading this.....did you know that since the age of 12, I struggled with a suicidal mother. After suppressing years and years of child molestation, my mother finally woke up at 32 and started to remember it all!!! Her response was various and numerous attempts to take her life. Around the same age, I became "mom" in my house in all actions except the bedroom. I helped my father raise my little brothers. I helped him manage our money. I disciplined, took the calls from the Auburn PD, cooked, cleaned, shopped. I grew up so much faster than everyone around me that by the time we were all in high school, there was little anyone could really offer me. And I knew that, if only subconsciously.
I knew that there were more important things in life than what store at the mall you got your clothes at, or what John Smith said about Jane Doe in the cafeteria. Yet, I had no way to tell anyone. I wasn't aware of it myself, consciously. So, for those who found me aloof, bitchy, standoffish, I apologize. I accept my part for not "fitting in." I have connected with some of you in the last few months and I realize....you really are nice people. And you probably were 20 years ago. I was just so closed off back then, that I couldn't see it myself.
So, I've got a recommitment for my blog. I want this to become a place where people can reflect on their lives and maybe help that someone dealing with that hard issue. Give advice. Share hard times and how you got through it. I may tell memories about my past that are hard to hear. I will always change names....other than my own...to respect privacy...but this wont' be semi-autobiographical. This will be candid and true. And sometimes, it might be hard to read.
I'm not asking for apologies or sympathy. Really, what's done is done. This is my cathartic way of excersing old demons and destroying old walls. If I've remembered a memory incorrectly or you recognize it and want to show a different point of view, I welcome that. After all, I only saw it through my microscope, yours might be a lot different.
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