In and Out. Left and Right. Forward and Backward. Light and Dark. On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post. I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm. A lot of humbug kind of stuff. Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them.
That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy. I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm. But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster. I've fallen into and out of relationships. I've lost incredible family members, including my god father. I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job. I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled. I've felt valued and dismissed. And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.
I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche. Over the last 15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt. This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year. I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable. What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life? What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?
Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world. I don't know how to find my way. I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years. Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.
Happy New Year Dear Reader! My glass is raised to each and every one of you. May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I woke up this morning and there was a light blanket of snow on the cars, the grass, the trees. While being cold is my least favorite thing....the blanket of snow against the darker colors fills me with calmness. And believe me...calmness is something that is hard for me to find.
A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband. And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane.
You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life. I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces. I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"? As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find. I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances. All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life.
So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't? Irony at it's best, dear reader. So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.
A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband. And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane.
You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life. I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces. I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"? As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find. I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances. All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life.
So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't? Irony at it's best, dear reader. So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.
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