Time

There are a lot of sayings about time.  Time heals all wounds.  Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Time discovers truth.  Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.

Time, it's a funny  thing.  When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag.  Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license.  Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other?  Can time be kept in a bottle?  Does anyone really know?

I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways.  The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash!  Diaper to driver's licenses.  Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second.  I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things.  One, what a great hugger he is.  And two, I don't hug him enough.  I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.

I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade.  That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep.  Some go back years, some a few months.  I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure.  But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds.  It has healed some...that can be true.  And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that.  But I'll find a way.  I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?  I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore.  I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think.  It forces you to think about yourself...and that person.  What is missing from your life because of them being gone?  Can you live without it?  Can you not live without it?  How would your life be impacted if they were to come back?  Positively? Negatively?

I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful.  Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around.  Oops!

Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude.  Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me.  I can hug my children every day.  I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home.  I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation.  I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical)   And I can buy a new watch! 

Changes and Transitions

This picture is of my NBS (non-biological son)....it's a phrase that was coined over four years ago when our family reconnected with his.  I'm NBM2 (non-biological mom 2)...his step mother is NBM1 and my best friend.  I've known this young man since he was a baby, his father and mother since we were in our teens and his step mom for five years.  He's being sworn into the United States Navy and will be on his way to Great Lakes today for boot camp.

It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad!  It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us.  One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves.  Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way. 

I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest.  I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday.  He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer.  The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.

But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions.  Dear Reader, I am not ready for this.  I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year.  The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me.