Even and Odd

In and Out.  Left and Right. Forward and Backward.  Light and Dark.  On this last day of 2010, I struggle to post.  I've got about 6 posts started in the last 27 days...but none of them will make it to the public realm.  A lot of humbug kind of stuff.  Not wanting to drag people down during the holidays....I just never publicly posted them. 

That being said, I've spent the last few weeks kind of in a fog...I had some incredibly happy reasons at the beginning of the month...but the middle and end weren't so happy.  I've looked over the last year and it's been a series of ups and downs...to the point that I began to wonder if I'm manic depressive...have I stepped into that realm.  But...I'm not manic depressive, the last year has simply been a roller coaster.  I've fallen into and out of relationships.  I've lost incredible family members, including my god father.  I've quit a job, got a bad job, quit that job and got an awesome job.  I've learned that people I've let close to me aren't exactly what I thought they were. I've felt treasured and reviled.  I've felt valued and dismissed.  And I'm kind of ending the year feeling like I'm a disposable part of most people's life....easy to let go of.

I've been through a lot of things in my life that have caused me to build great big walls and protect my mind, my heart and my psyche.  Over the last  15 months or so I've started to let some of those walls falter and crumble.  I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and hurt.  This has created a bit of a roller coaster over the last year.  I'm trying to decide if it's time to get off the roller coaster and rebuild some walls...or continue the ride to see where it brings me...even if it's careening out of control to places where I'm uncomfortable.  What if I continue the ride and find that I have to make some pretty tough decisions in my life?  What if I'm unwilling to make those decisions?

Either way, I'm feeling lost in parts of my world.  I don't know how to find my way.  I'm not a big fan of odd numbered years.  Not sure why but they never seem to be the "good" years for me....since 2010 was such a roller coaster...I'm hoping the trend is changing and 2011 will be better.

Happy New Year Dear Reader!  My glass is raised to each and every one of you.  May the libations be delicious, your company be wonderful, no one missing by your side, and the celebration grand tonight...let's welcome 2011 in with grandeur!

I woke up this morning and there was a light blanket of snow on the cars, the grass, the trees.  While being cold is my least favorite thing....the blanket of snow against the darker colors fills me with calmness.  And believe me...calmness is something that is hard for me to find. 

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year....a lot of good and some not so good.  I'm trying to focus on the good...I've got good that I can share: an awesome job with an awesome boss, great new friends that make me smile daily, two young men I'm very proud to call "son", a super supportive husband.  And I've got good that I can't share (yah...nice try reader, I'm not going to list them!) It's the good that I can't share that drives me the most insane. 

You see, I spent many, many years in a very negative, non-productive environment...and through it all, I maintained a positive aspect on life.  I had to...or the weight of my young world would have crushed me...shrunken me...shattered me into a million pieces.  I look back at the things I survived with amazement...how did I end up "OK"?  As I moved onto a new phase in my life...wife, mother...those positive thoughts started to become more difficult to find.  I don't know if it was the result of looking for the bright side for so long that I finally had to give in and see the dark...or if it was the change in circumstances.  All I know is that I spent many years miserable, focusing on the negative parts of my life. 

So now, I've got some good happening...things that make me smile in the middle of the day for no reason...and I want to shout them out to the whole world and I can't?  Irony at it's best, dear reader.  So, for my friends who read this and actually get to see me in person...if at some random moment...you see a smile spread across my face...just know that I've gone to a happy place...a place that I may or may not be able to share with you....and a place that some of you are responsible for.

Memories

This past Tuesday, November 2nd, my grandmother would have been 80 years old.  She died in March of 2001 and that moment paralyzed me.  Any walls that I had up before got bigger, stronger.  I could never have imagined the pain that I felt.  Heart aching, gut wrenching.  I never thought I'd survive.  The four to six months after her death were a blur....I hardly ate.  I did homework  I volunteered at Head Start.  But nothing felt the same.  Nothing sounded the same.  Nothing tasted the same.  I couldn't imagine a world without her in it.  I couldn't imagine living in a world without her in it.

They say that time heals all wounds, but they lie.  My pain today is still as raw as it was nearly 10 years ago.  Not being able to pick up the phone and wish her a Happy Birthday brought forth a stark reality for me.  She's gone, she's not coming back.  I have my memories of her....her trying hard to lose at Yahtzee, Skip Bo, Parcheesi so that I wouldn't feel so defeated.  Her slipping $20 in my pocket just to make sure I made it home to Maine ok.  Her last summer with us where she was on a hot streak at Bingo.  But somehow, these leave me craving more....needing more. 

Don't get me wrong dear reader...I have awesome things to be grateful for in my life.  I can now imagine a life without Grandma in it.  There's a big empty spot...but I can imagine it.  I live in it.  In certain aspects, I thrive in it. I am doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do....somehow they lose some of their shine because I can't share them with Grandma.  She'll never see Matt's band play, eat Aaron's superb Pot Roast, swim in Pettingill Pond with us.....those things hurt.  Sometimes that hurt takes my breath away. 

What I can tell you is that in some ways, I'm grateful for that hurt.  It means that I loved.  It means that I felt.  It means that there is a meaning in our relationships with others.  So, as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts me that I can't talk to her....I'm so extremely grateful that for nearly 30 years....she was in my life and in many ways, my rock.

Not Again!

Take a close look at the picture on the left....that is my life for the next few weeks....and it's not the first time I've had to wear this.  Two Novembers ago, I had surgery on my right foot to reattach my ligament to my ankle.  I wore the boot that time for nearly two months.  It was horrible.  It holds the heat in and overheats my body.  It's bulky, and hard to maneuver.  And let's not even mention the fact that I couldn't drive for months!

So, why the boot?  Why the issues with the ligament?  It is a long story that goes back to 1988.  The first day of my junior year in high school...I actually fell going up the bleachers for Junior Assembly.  Severe sprain that resulted in crutches for two weeks and an air cast for months.  June 1993, walking back to my car, on Whiting Naval Air Station, I twisted my ankle on the curb...yet another severe sprain and crutches for a bit...while we were moving no less.  January 2006...I actually went nearly 13 years without an injury....I was walking down the stairs in the dark in the middle of the night and stepped on the damn cat sleeping.  Severe sprain...crutches for a few weeks...and missed follow up with an orthopedic.  A few years later, I began exercising and my foot really starting hurting me.  Result...unattached ligament from all of the trauma.  Surgery and boot.

The great thing about that is I kept the crutches and the boot.  The Sunday before Labor Day we were at the Annual Corn Roast (a family/friend reunion that a friend's family puts together) and my friend asked me to help her get the watermelons out of the cellar.  Being a good friend, I say sure...why not.   Carrying the large, spiked watermelon in front of me, I cannot watch where my feet are going on each step.  So, I couldn't see that there was a much larger lip on the doorway to the outside than I anticipated.....and over I went.  I felt and heard my bone crack and just let myself fall because I knew if I fought, I would make it worse.  Thankfully...2/3 of the Minot Volunteer Fire Department were there to help me.  One in particular took care of my foot...secured it...took down my demographics...talked me through muscle spasms.  I also had some very awesome friends around me...old and new!  One allowed me to muckle onto her leg with my nails and squeeze to help keep my foot relaxed during muscle spasms.  One took pictures that I am still waiting to see on facebook.  And one called 911......Now THIS is the funny part of the story.

While she was on the phone with 911, she being the one I helped with the watermelons, her back was to me and I didn't realize she was on the phone...I said...really loudly and jokingly...That is the last time I help you with watermelon Bitch!  The dispatcher, instead of confirming that it was an actual threat, flagged the call as a domestic disturbance....thereby barring the paramedics from coming into the yard to get  me until state police could get on the scene and secure it.  Now my friend calling 911...her husband is also on the Minot FD and heard the domestic disturbance chatter on the radio and promptly fixed the issue.  So, a ride to the hospital, a few hours in the ER and xrays later...and here I sit...broken foot and walking cast on.

When I do something, dear reader, I do it big!

My Lunchtime Companion

For the last week, I've declined to go on my daily walk...the hot, humid weather is just not agreeing with me.  I'm a summer baby...and I LOVE the summer....but this year, it was just too much...too much 90+ days and too much damn humidity.  I found myself retreating to my air conditioned room shortly after coming home from work.  Or going to bed early as my excuse to be in there. I even stopped going swimming...the short walk to the water access was just too much between the heat, humidity and dust kick up from passing cars....it was safer and more pleasant to stay home.

So, for the last week, I've spent my time laying on my back staring up into the leaves of this tree.  Each day there's been a warm breeze and each day I either come close to dozing off...or dozing off until someone sends me a message on my blackberry.  It's been a comforting sound and a comforting experience.  I'm able to go back to my office refreshed and rejuvenated.  It's kind of been a centering experience for me...I'm finding my "ooo saaa" as I like to call it.  (From "Bad Boys") 

Sadly, the leaves are already starting to change on the tree...at the very top.  My days of sitting underneath it and listening to it's lullaby will soon be over...but not before it turns a brilliant yellow. 

The Moment

There's always a moment in your life when you know things will never be the same....and for some of us...we identify that moment just before it happens or as it's happening.  It could be that look from your lover when you know that they more than just like you.  Or it could be the goosebumps on your skin when you know something bad is about to happen and change your life forever.  It could be the long awaited moment when you know your child is about to take their first unassisted steps....you just know! 

It could be the moment when you know your life is about to come crashing down around you.  Shattered into a million pieces, making you wonder if you can recover, recoup, revive.  These moments help define us...it's not the moment itself, but how we deal with it.  What are the steps to recovery, recoup and revival?  How do you face it? 

Do you reflect and self-analyze and wonder what YOU could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome?  Do you deflect and lay the blame on one person alone, believing you are the only one wronged? hurting? made the right moves?  Do you listen with open ears, open mind and open heart and try to understand what's going on in the minds of those involved? Do you shut yourself down, close yourself off, suffering in your isolation and not realizing that people are human, people make mistakes, and people learn from them?

Me...I self-analyze.  In fact, as my friends will attest to, I over analyze.  I wonder what I did to perpetuate the situation.  What could I have done to make it different?  How did that other person(people) feel?  What were they thinking at the "moment"? 

The gut-wrenching, life ending hurt eventually dissipates and you move on...you have to. 

How do you want to be defined during "the moment"?

Moving Forwards by Moving Backwards?

Yesterday was "going backwards" day for me.  I spent the day with people who I haven't seen in twenty years or more.  The first part of the day was spent at the surprise 40th Birthday Party for someone who graduated two years before me...but left a huge impression on my life during my high school years.  To help her enter into this new decade of life were other high school friends.  I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed these people.  The last part of the day was spent at my 20th Reunion. 

I usually dread going to these things...even though I "helped" with setting it up.  I didn't always feel like I fit into any group/clique at school...perhaps I did that to myself more than anything...but everyone seemed so set and I always felt like I had to try so hard to be part of the conversations, planning, just plain being liked.  I always felt like I was on the outside looking in (see an older post.)  But at the same time, I also felt like I had this huge secret to hide.  My  mother was suicidal and often in the psych wards across the state.  I was helping my father raise my brother's....who were so far from angels.  And I didn't want anyone to know what was going on.  A few people really close to me did, but for the most part...I think everyone might have just thought I was the standoffish girl who couldn't afford to go to Tabers, Roys, the Mall....so why bother asking.  And from my point of view....I perhaps just tried too damn hard to fit in.  I should have just stayed true to myself instead of trying to encompass the personalities and likes of those around me.  I should have not been ashamed of my life....after all, it made me who I am today....and I'm kinda liking me, for the most part.

One of the things I found most interesting last night was the comments on my facebook posts and my blogs.  At first I wasn't sure how to take them....some of my facebook posts are done at really bad times and someone should really take my phone away...some of them I honestly post to make people scratch their heads and see if they are paying attention.  As for my blog...this space is for me...this is my therapy.  I share it because, selfishly, I'm hoping that some thing in here helps someone....maybe gives that teenage gir,l in a seemingly impossible situation, some insight and respite.  But one of the things I realized in the last 36 hours is that sometimes to move forward, you have to move backwards.  You have to revisit the past, find those people that made you feel good and relive it...get a good firm grasp of who you were in order to become who you will be.

Paths

Everyday at work, I've been trying to go for a walk on Oak Hill Trail.  The trail is beginner level, has a few hills and a winding path.  Within the first ten minutes of the trail, I always come across this wood shed.  The first time I walked it, I was with a friend and it prompted a conversation about mass murderers and people in scary movies who ALWAYS go to the shed...I mean really...not a smart idea.  Don't they know what happens when you do that?  It never ends well...Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers might be in there....just biding their time until some poor, unsuspecting schmuck comes along. 

My friend tells me, every time I walk, to go to the shed  and look in.  He's tried telling me that there are unicorns and butterflies in there. And each time I say "Um, no."  But yesterday as I walked I got to thinking....what an awesome metaphor this is for me! 

I've always followed "the path."  Not sure who decided the path that I'm on...but I've always followed it.  I'm not sure if it's fear or a sense of "right" that keeps me on this path.  It's not a path that I'm completely happy with.  I stifle a lot of stuff until it comes bubbling to the surface and causes shock waves all around me.  I get frustrated at holding myself back from being....me.  So, maybe it's time to take that leap of faith and look in the shed?  Perhaps, I will find "me" locked up in there waiting to be released.......

Swimming

Anyone who really knows me knows that the one thing I love most about summer is the water. Lake water, ocean water...it doesn't matter as long as it can be used to immerse my body in, I love it. I've been swimming for as long as I can remember. In fact, I don't ever remember NOT swimming over my head. I love the way the water feels on my skin. I love how I feel refreshed after taking a dip. I love to lounge on a float in the water for hours at a time.

I think part of the reason water is so important to me is that it was the one activity that my family did that seemed normal to me. There was no yelling, no hitting, no control issues, no struggles...we were a family at the beach or pond or in their pool. Most of the time we got along. My brothers and I buried each other in sand, made forts, played catch. It was, much like music was, a respite for me. I could leave the suicidal mom, the angry dad, the delinquent brothers, and the feelings of inadequacies and leave them behind for that short moment in time.

Water is a part of me. It's a part of who I am. It's one of the activities that I love the most...being in the water. To understand and to accept me, you really have to understand that it's something I really love. Take it away from me...and it's like taking music out of my life. I need it. I want it. I couldn't exist in a world where being in the water wasn't allowed.

I guess the point is that we all have some hard limits in our lives. I like my summer activities to surround water. It's why we live in the house we live in. I spend too many months staring longingly at the lake yearning for swimming season. I have a few short months to enjoy it. So, if you're trying to reach me....and I'm not around....look in the lake.

Philosophy through Media

Does life imitate art or does art help define life?

Every so often I find a work of art (usually a movie) that, to me, has a hidden meaning to it. For instance in "Elizabethtown" the Kirsten Dunst character, Claire, is what I envision what I might have become had my life experiences been a little different. If I wasn't forced to be a "responsible adult" at the ripe old age of 12, perhaps I would have been that quirky character looking to the bright side of everything. I would help the people in my life move through their experiences in a positive way. In "Stranger than Fiction", Harold Crick does the same thing every day until he begins to hear a narrator telling his story about his ultimate demise. Life can become very repetitive...we get up, we work, we go home, we go to sleep...and we do it all again the next day. Never taking chances, never breaking our comfort zone...until one day, something happens to "wake us up."

Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" and "I Will Remember You" never fail to reduce me to tears as it reminds me of my grandmother's passing. "Wind Beneath My Wings" and the movie "Beaches" will forever be associated with my best friend Stacy. "What the Bleep Do We Know" will be the starting point of my journey into self-awareness and my affect on who/what I am and where I go.

Is there underlying deep meaning in each and every work of art or is it purely subjective and it depends on what you are looking for....I'd like to think all of the answers are out there....you just have to open yourself up to finding them.

Tests

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Right???? I guess maybe I'm being tested right now. My Uncle Dave just passed away yesterday. My mother got admitted to a hospital 3 hours a way last night and my dad isn't feeling well. All three events in three different directions and my mind is a jumbled mess.

So, my plan is to travel 3 hours to Rhode Island to be there for my mom while she undergoes testing for her chest pains. My brother Charlie is going to take the charge of Dad. And maybe, we'll make it to Connecticut to be with our family as we say goodbye to another family member.

I'm tired of emotions...I've been emotional for weeks now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I thought being the "strong one in the family" meant that I wouldn't have to deal with these emotions...why do I feel the burden of the family on my shoulders? Who elected me? And why wasn't I part of that democratic process??? I would just let some of it go for a bit and not worry about any of it....I don't expect that will happen anytime soon.....

Life is a series of tests...you don't have to pass or fail...it's your performance during the tests that identifies who you are.

Happy Pi Day

To all of my geek friends, Happy Pi Day! Until nine years ago, today was a fun day for me. Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to it's diameter. In schools across the nation...Pi Day is celebrated...I kinda miss Pi day. Then again, I am the woman who did long division as a "focal point" during contractions for her oldest son....I never, ever said I was normal.

In 2001, Pi Day took on new meaning for me...it became the day my world was irrevocably torn apart. Nothing's been the same since...a lot of good things have occurred...and not some not so good...but on this day nine years ago, I lost someone very, very dear to me...my grandmother Nancy Lee Cox Wells passed away at the young age of 70. She had survived heart surgery and lived with lung disease for many, many years. She'd had her hip and ankle broken...but when she died, she was full of life....errr, well you know what I mean. Her disease didn't beat her down...she wasn't on a breathing machine constantly (except for her oxygen) and she wasn't stuck in a bed unable to move. My dad, her ex-son in law, has the same diagnosis. He's 58 and I'd say at 58 he's in a lot worse shape than she was at 70.

I guess that is something to be thankful for. Grandma was a do-er...never one to sit still. The summer before she had spent over a month at my house...sometimes walking to Bingo Halls while Kip and I visited with his parents...never telling us that was her plan. It was the first time she'd come up and had money to spend....she kept winning at Bingo. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her...and I think she developed a secret crush on my neighbor Ray....who died the same day we moved back to Maine after 5 years in Connecticut.

She was, in many ways, my rock. I could call her for ANYTHING. I could discuss ANYTHING with her. She loved her kids, their spouses, their ex's, her grandchildren, their spouses and ex's...and her great grandchildren more than anything. It is from her that I learned what unconditional love really is...and what it means to give someone your unconditional love. She judged no one. She talked to anyone. And she loved every single member of her family, no matter what bad things they may have done.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and will be devastated when their time comes too. Losing Grandma has been the biggest struggle of my life and this year seems to be the worst since the first 4-5. But there is progress....usually I remember this day with a drink....or ten...this year, I simply had a margarita with my lunch. Perhaps this growing up stuff isn't so bad.

Happy Pi Day Everyone! Happy Remembrance Day to the Well's family.

Sunlight Through The Window

It's been a bit since my last post....mostly because I had my internet shut off to save some money. I mean, I have a blackberry so any online stuff that "NEEDS" to be done can be done on that. The boys can use the internet at school and the library...and even though I left a horrible work environment, I took a $750/month hit in my finances...OUCH!!! My brother, who's living with us, got the internet hooked up in his name this week. I didn't realize how much I missed the internet...thanks Bob Chuck!!! (His nickname is a story for another time.)

I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. Recently my Aunt Grace passed away. She had Alzheimer's and was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I was unable to see her before her passing and I was unable to get to Connecticut for her funeral. But, I believe this was the catalyst for my "hard time." Aunt Grace and my grandmother were nearly the same age...only Grandma passed away nine years ago on 3/14. Her death was a HUGE loss for me...at times insurmountable. Then I got news that my Uncle Dave was given two months left to live because of his cancer. Does it ever end? And still, I can't get to CT to visit with my family before they pass. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.

Earlier this week, I had some pretty horrible words with my youngest son. I love Matthew more than anything in the world. His positive attitude and need to make people laugh inspire me. He's more intelligent than he gives himself credit for (and more than testing can show) and I believe he can become a successful adult...but he's also my biggest challenge. I said some things that I really shouldn't have said to him. Later, I went to apologize to him and he was on the phone with my mother. That one simple act caught me completely off guard. I mean, I know he calls her when he's upset and I'm extremely grateful that he has her for that. It's exactly what I used to do with my grandmother....for so long, she was my rock. I got through my younger years because of three distinct people: Mr. Neal, Kip and Grandma. Without them...I don't want to think about where I would be right now.

As I apologized to him and went downstairs to put myself in a time out...I couldn't stop thinking about WHY him being on the phone with my mom bothered me so much. It's a special relationship and is probably going to be something that helps him leave my home sane....and then it dawned on me...as I struggle to raise him and deal with his teenage issues, the one and only person I want to talk to in my grandmother. I want to call her and tell her how much of an ass he's being, how he doesn't respect me and most importantly, how I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to hear her voice telling me that I'm being silly. I want to feel the warmth of her love for me over the phone and her embrace through what she's saying. I desperately miss that. I didn't realize how much until recently. I thought I had dealt with her passing, but it's become apparent to me that I've been in denial for many years...and perhaps that is my way of keeping her alive.

And because I have no "good" way of ending this post, I will end it here...sitting on my couch with the sunlight coming through my window and heating the back of my neck.

Reflections

January 22, 2009 to January 22, 2010

A lot can happen in a year. Last year at this time I was unemployed, sitting at home, going stir crazy begging anyone for a job. This year, I've got a new job (second one in the last year), I've grown a lot and learned alot about myself and about relationships. So, let's reflect on the last year.

Career: Well I was introduced to the DR (Direct Response) industry. I saw an ad for a US Hispanic Call Center looking for a Client Services Account Manager, Spanish is not necessary. So, I applied...figured it was a long shot. Two interviews later, I was at least intrigued and at most happy to have more than $300/week coming into our bank accounts. Little did I know that my eyes would be opened to a wonderful opportunity and to an industry that I knew I wanted to make my career. The company (if you've read an earlier post) didn't turn out to be the best company to work for...I can't recall that I've worked for a worse manager in my life. After my last post, called "Humiliation," I had another turn in with the said manager and spent another 45 minutes being berated. I never went back. I couldn't stomach it. I knew that I was putting my family into a dire financial situation....but Kip and I both agreed that the stress from working there wasn't worth it anymore. Three weeks later, I scored a job as a media buyer for a local media company. I'm buying 30 minute radio spots for two specific campaigns. I miss campaign management, but this is definitely an opportunity to use what I've learned to affect a different aspect of DR. Viva la media buying!

Friends: Well, we built a good relationship with another couple, only to have it crumble a week or so ago. In reality, that crumble started as a crack sometime around Thanksgiving. While the blame resides with all four participants...it soon became clear to me that one of us was allowed to express her full gamut of emotions and everyone else must suck it up and deal with it...and not EVER express themselves fully. And no, it wasn't me. The ending of this friendship happened this week...and today Kip and I were told that we were not lepers but just not friend material...whatever the hell that means. All I know is that I feel less stress now that I'm not worrying so much about reactions.

I've repaired a friendship that at times could have gone south. This woman has truly become my best friend. Not only can I tell her anything...but she's got my back when I need my back gotten...But she'll also let me fall on my face when I need to. After I've fallen on my face, she'll help pick me up and tell me why. We've, admittedly, had our issues...but we work on them and I have to say it's one of the most adult friendships that I've ever had and I love her dearly.

Kip and I have begun a new friendship with this amazing couple. They are slightly older than us, but seemed to have followed the same life path. High school sweethearts, children at a young age and totally and extremely connected. As far as an adult-couple friendship, I can see this one going far and wide. We all have fun together...laughing so much that our sides split and our cheeks ache the next morning. We've discussed vacationing together...our children have met and it just seems like a perfect fit. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Children: Well, both boys are teenagers now. Matthew has had several girlfriends and Aaron is with his first. Odd with Aaron being the oldest. Both boys are doing great...Matthew is growing up in regards to taking responsibility for his actions...he has some more work to do there, but I have faith that he will be a fine, upstanding young man. Aaron is in his sophomore year in school and we're looking at the prospect of him "leaving the nest" in a few years. As I watch him grow, I can't help but remember the collicky baby that I wanted to see if he could bounce....now, he could pick me up and drop me!

Love: Wow, love...what is there to say about this topic. Love comes in many forms. I've learned that you can definitely love more than one person at a time...that love just comes in many forms. For instance, I've felt love for someone this past year and that love opened some doors I'd shut a long time ago. I'm playing my clarinet again and part of a band (sort of...practices haven't been attended, but that should change next week) and have reclaimed my passion for expressing myself in this way. This was a HUGE part of my life and who I was in my formative years. To have it back is a godsend. I've also met someone who makes me smile as soon as they say "Hi" almost everyday. They are sweet, generous, sensitive, and a whole source of other adjectives. Kip...you know, I'm not sure how much love I can feel for this man...each day it grows stronger and stronger. He's my foundation, he's my rock, he's my pillar, he's my support. This man knows me better than anyone else in the world. Recently someone accused us of having an unstable relationship....I think they are dead wrong. In fact, I think we have one of the strongest relationships that I know about (save our new friends) and I look forward to spending every single day of the rest of my life with him.

2010: I'm an evens person. I love even numbers. Therefore, this is MY year. Things will fall into place for me...there will be balance and harmony. And I will share it with those around me who have my respect, admiration, friendship and love.