Thankful

It's been a year where it's been difficult to find something to be thankful for at times...looking at the bright side was becoming exhausting, even depressing.  I spent so much time thinking of ways to lift those around me up, that I lost track of lifting myself up as well.  It's been a year of big, big changes.  Most notably, our oldest son graduated high school, turned 18, oh...and entered the United States Navy.  My mini-me...one quarter of our family, one quarter of the balance in our little family has moved out of our nest.  And I use nest "loosely" because at the time that most of this was happening...we were living in my best friend's basement...unfinished basement.

It's been a humbling year...and we're not done yet.  We've (hopefully) hit the financial rock bottom...decades of bad money  management caught up with us.  I've started a new job...but have been seen as the "dumb one" in the position.  My children have made huge accomplishments that magnified that they are rapidly moving on towards their next chapter...adulthood.  I've been told I was loved but treated like I wasn't more than gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I've had to move my father into a home separate from mine for the first time in eight years.  I've had two "adopted" children bond to my heart only to leave on their own paths.  I've made some serious mistakes...and have had some serious slaps in the face.

And through it all...I've had the most important thing in front of me....I've had the most important people in my life.  A handful of close friends, and a new friend, who don't cease to make me smile.  My mother in law...once upon a time, I thought she hated me.  Now, I'm proud to say she's my "Mom in law"....emphasis on MOM.  My parents...both ill in their own way...wouldn't hesitate to talk to me when I'm upset or pat my back when they think I've done good.  They would never kick me when I'm down and the rest of the world is taking it's kidney shots.  My children...my god, I don't even know where to start...both funny, intelligent boys with sparkling personalities (no they are not vampires!) and huge ambitions.  Both would step in front of a bullet for me, and I them.  And most importantly, my husband....twenty five years and going strong.  Twenty five tough years of learning and growing, fighting and loving...and through it all...I get to sleep at night with my best friend...the only person on this earth that truly gets to see the "real" me.

So, while I've had a lot to not be thankful for....I still have the most important things that I need to honor today...and every day. 

Summertime Blues

What a world!  Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own.  Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs.  We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down.  We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.

I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.

Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience!  Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything!  I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month. 

It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure.  My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence.  There is no gain without sacrifice...right? 

Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness.  Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.

Hidden

 I saw this painting at an art show at the Abrahadbra Oasis almost two years ago...and was immediately drawn to it.  So, I purchased it...and am considering making some of it my next tattoo.

What do I see?  I see a woman who's been locked up emotionally.  Every thing in her life bottled up, by her own design or by others, it matters not.  All that matters is that it's been bottled up like a 2 liter of Coke with a package of Mento's dropped in and the cap placed back on.  Hidden....festering...bubbling...until she can't take it anymore and she explodes. Her hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears, joys, everything comes exploding out of her....the oxygen igniting it all, increasing the flames of truth, reality, feeling until it consumes everything around her. 

What do I see?  I see me.  I see the young girl that learned early on to build her walls so high that no one can climb them.  I see the young woman she became who put her needs, wants, desires aside for those important to her.  Cared for them, helped them achieve their wants, needs, and desires to the best of her ability....above her own.  I see the woman on the brink of entering "Middle Age."  Her "job" as mother, nurturer, educator is rapidly changing.  Her children's no longer view her as the center of her world...but now an important cornerstone. 

I see a woman who still, for the most part, feels hidden.  Hiding from the world and being hidden from the world by others.  I see a woman struggling to let herself out...to feel, want, need, desire.  I see a woman who is tired of being hidden.  I don't want to be hidden anymore.  I want to be happy with who I am...and I want those around me to be happy that I'm a part of their life, in every capacity...I want them to be proud of me.  I want to stop hiding...and I want to stop being hidden.

Big changes are coming in my life...now seems to be a good time to stop hiding.

Change

Dear Reader,

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post...my thoughts have been dark and random and focused on a lot of stuff...Most importantly...all of the changes in my life.  Changes happening, changes to come...and changes I want to make. Thank you to those who have been asking me to blog...to talk...to share.  I've listened...I've just shared silently.

I don't even know where to start...I just know that I need to do this. Big happenings going on.  My youngest son's best friend moved in with us in January of this year.  He stayed with us until mid-April and left for basic training May 1.  A precursor of events to come...I cried, I lamented, I worried...and I still think about him every day.  Is he ok?  Is the Army beating him up?  I can't wait for him to come home.  I can't wait to see my youngest have his best bud back for a bit.

We're moving in with friends.  We just can't get our finances straightened out where we are at now...and something drastic needs to happen.  My dad and my brother Mike are going to share an apartment.  This will mean that for the first time in eight years, my dad will not be living with me.  Freedom?  Reprieve?  Sanity returns?  All of the above?

Perhaps the biggest change...is my "buddy" growing up and moving into adulthood.  Pictured here are Aaron and I in late September of last year.  A good friend took a ton of pictures for his senior picture...I decided that I needed one with him.  This is it!  I have a special bond with both of my boys...but each bond is different.  In 8 days, Aaron graduates from high school.  In 58 days, he leaves home and enters the US Navy.  Fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, pride, love, and many, many other emotions are experienced all at once.  This boy...this young man...came into my life when I thought all hope was lost.  Kip was stationed on a ship in Italy.  I lived over there with him...dark days.  I remember trying to get second degree sunburns on my feet so the Navy would have to send him home.  I remember dropping a large rock on my ankle to try to break it...so the Navy would send him home.  What kept me from doing something more drastic was this little boy who depended on me for EVERYTHING.  Unconditional love at it's greatest.  His smile warmed me.  His need gave me purpose.  He was all at once, my everything and my life line. 

I didn't once think about my life in 18 years when he would be no longer be a part of my daily life...when he would begin his journey that we helped prepare him for....LIFE.  Now, that time is upon us...and I don't know if I can cope with it.  I know that I don't have a choice.  And I'm immensely proud of him...and I know he's well prepared for this and will do extremely in whatever path he chooses.  I'm just sad that a large part of my life is changing.  Scared about what it means for me.  More changes to come...more to process...more to learn and grow through...