Dear Reader,
Bear with me a minute while I publicly process what's going on in my head. I promise I won't be calling any of you racists or say you're prejudice....my blog, so it's all about me!
I won't belabor what all Americans have seen over the last year and half, but especially over the last few months. Suffice it to say that along with millions of my fellow citizens, I feel sucker punched. This is a wake up call, hopefully for the entire nation but also for myself.
Let's wind back to Saturday November 5, 2016. Kip and I were going to a local gun shop to look at what was available for purchase for 9mm. We pull into a parking lot the "correct" way and a car from out of state pulls in against the "correct" way and causes us to stop our truck quickly before parking. He pulls into a spot, erratically backs up, and then parks in a different spot. We decided to park far away. As we're getting out of the truck to go to the gun shop, a black man is getting out of the out of state car. He's got an AK-47 hung around his shoulder and a pistol tucked into the back waistband of his pants. And immediately our minds went to places about mass destruction, election night looting/rioting, and other nefarious ideas. Inside the gun shop, he was looking for large amounts of ammo and couldn't get it there.
Now, Maine is an open carry state, but this is the first time I've seen anything more than a pistol in public. Openly carrying a weapon like this would shock me anyway. But...where my mind went when I saw WHO was carrying it....well, let's just say I was shocked and immediately thought...jesus christ, I'm a racist!!! I just totally racially profiled this guy! I was appalled with myself. But it confirmed that I voted for the president I felt that would help stop this way of thinking.
Fast forward to Tuesday/Wednesday...it's all just a blur to me. I was on the local ballot for a County Commissioner seat so some of the results really did affect me personally. I watched in disbelief as a temperamental, openly hateful man stole our election. His "rigged" election seems to be in his favor. I was not the only racist in this country...there were over fifty five million other ones. I cried, I screamed, I rocked myself in comfort. I went off on my kids for not voting...not voting for me and not voting against this bastard. I was an emotional wreck and totally and completely irrational. Most of you who really know me can attest that this is a bit out of character. I tend to keep a lot of stuff tucked inside my head. These kinds of emotions are saved for only a few people and it's very private. I was alone but I still let the emotions slipped out to others close to me.
Wednesday I was in a huge funk. I barely ate. I hardly moved. I certainly didn't watch TV. I actually watched Christmas movies (again ask my friends how unlikely this is) because I had to believe there was still hope in the world and what has more hope than a Christmas movie? I started reading "The Handmaid's Tale" because it was referenced a lot on social media. I engaged with very few people. My emotions were raw and I was simply not sure 1) how to process everything, 2) how to reconcile what our country has done with my own world view, and 3) who I was. I won't bore you with all of the details. Suffice it to say that it was a day for reflection.
I interacted with one friend who said something to me that really came off very sexist and racist. I won't post it here, I won't call that person out. All I know is that on a day where emotions were very high across our entire nation, this was the absolutely wrong thing to say. I called them out on what they said and the response was more anger and accusations instead of an acknowledgement that perhaps this wasn't the time and those weren't the words. Of course, I'm just a progressive, sensitive, pussy, libtard right? Of course I took offense to what was said...I care too much about political correctness. Or at least, that is what I knew I would soon be accused of. And I pretty much was accused of those things in the retort of being tired of being called "racist" and "sexist." And I saw this played out thousands of times over and over again on social media. We, the nation, needed a moratorium on talking with each other about this. Emotions were high across the board.
So, let's move forward to my echo chamber. I'm not sure who posted it on Wednesday but someone mentioned that they had created their own echo chamber. They cut out the static of what the right was saying/posting. So, they were insulated, by their own hands, from what the other side was truly saying. I did the same thing...I un-followed friends that consistently re-posted fantastical tales and memes put out by the alt-right. I tried to reason with these people and say that this was uncategorically false information. I tried to show them where the information was wrong. I asked people to stop using insults, to start using people's proper names....to stop being obnoxious and rude to each other. When none of that worked...I un-followed, un-friended, and sometimes even blocked. It was not because I am intolerant. I'm not...I try to listen to everyone. But, I can't stand the obnoxious behavior and incessant posting of shit that is simply untrue or extremely rude and obnoxious. The hate for people different than themselves was terrifyingly alarming. I followed this process with extreme lefts and rights. But, when I did this...I created my very own echo chamber. And that, is BAD! Because underneath all of their rantings and grasping at whatever made them feel justified in their viewpoints the truth of why they feel the way that they do. And, I stopped listening. I stopped trying to get beneath the crap to what is the source of their own personal anger and frustration. I don't know when I will re-follow those un-followed...or eat crow and send a message of apology for blocking people...I'm not there yet. But I will get there.
So, how does all of this lead to prejudice? I had a candid conversation with a woman I've only met once but have been friends with for over 10 years ( you know who you are). And she helped me put into perspective my earlier horror at being a racist. She asked me how I would have felt had the AK-47 been strapped to a white guy. And you know what...I still would have thought about death, destruction, looting, nefarious acts being carried by that person (see prejudice below). I don't see a person's skin color...I see their eyes, their smiles, the body language. I believe that every human being is precious and can achieve great things given the right opportunities. She pointed out to me that what I exhibited was not racism but prejudice. You see racism is feeling superior to others while prejudice is having a certain expectation of a person based on subjective factors (age, sex, color, gender, etc.)
I see ALOT of prejudice on social media these days....and the past days...and I suspect the coming days. We're all guilty of it in some form. Think all Trump supporters are racist? That's prejudice. Think all Democrats are bleeding heart liberals intent on taking your guns away? That's prejudice. Think a black man with a gun is going to shoot up a local church? Prejudice. I could go on with my examples....but since this is about me, let's bring it back. I have prejudice...and apparently, I have a lot more than I thought. Some of that comes with the "privilege" of being a white woman. Some of it comes from growing up and living in a mostly Caucasian area. And some of it it because I haven't taken the time to identify it and rectify it. I've got a lot of work to do. And if our country is honest with themselves...we ALL do!
