Thanks

The second Monday of my unemployed status.  Jobs applied for.  Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend.  Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us. 

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen.  A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation.  But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen  my depression...I kept the party going.  And I'm very grateful that I did.  A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday.  And I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward. 

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me.  I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them.  There is always next year. 

Onwards to positive changes....

Waiting

I feel like I'm the always the girl waiting.....

Work

In an earlier post, I allowed my self to accept the definition of who I am to be a part of someone else's life.  But there's a very important part of me...work.  I love to work.  I'm the quintessential, Type A, workaholic.  I take a large amount of pride of going to work, doing work, doing a great job and impressing my supervisor's, coworkers and clients (if applicable.)  I can think outside the box.  I can put in as many hours as you need for me to get something accomplished. 

I love higher level thinking tasks, but use mundane things like data entry for problem solving time.

That being said, I was let go from my job yesterday for "perpetrating gossip."  Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means...or how others in my office, specifically two individuals, escaped this.  I work in an office with 9 women and one man...the man is the boss/owner.  In one week, three of us were terminated...three very different reasons.  I was the last.  An office full of women.....and there's to be no gossip???? I guess what there really shouldn't be is the back-stabbing, finger pointing, tattle telling part of the gossip that happened.  Did I engage in the act...yep, I was part of conversations that discussed other people, policies we didn't like, actions by our boss that we were concerned about.  Was I perpetrating these discussions...nope...these women came to me!  Did we all have valid concerns...absolutely.  Should we have addressed these to the boss?  Probably, but he's set himself as unapproachable with anything like this...so we conversed with each other.  Given the climate, I guess a few were more worried about their own asses and had to throw someone under the bus.  Karma's a bitch ladies!

I don't know what to do without having work to do.  I've been in and out of tears since yesterday...and as most of you know...I just don't cry.  I'm devastated.  I worked my ass off for that man.  Dozens of 50+ hour weeks.  Client calls when no one was taking them.  Working on reports when no one else but the boss was doing them.  Now, I've got nothing!  Nada. Zip. Zilch...except a dwindling bank account and a lot of free time.  Tears that no one is around to dry...and a feeling of worthlessness.  This will pass, I know it will...but damn, I'm more pissed that I have no work to do than that the stupid, fucked up reason I was let go!

For a Friend

He stands atop an emerald knoll,
Eyes to the sky, searching for an answer.

He stands atop a jade hilltop,
Eyes to the partner crests, searching for a soul.

Scouring the valleys for the one he's missing,
Eyes squinted for increased focus, searching for that comfort.

The warmth of a breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,
The support of an embrace.  Longing to feel those again, alive again.

Warmth radiates from above with the evaporation of the murky sky,
Replaced with brilliant sunlight.

He stands atop a dune, face turned up, red with heat.
Feeling the warmth of a missing breath, the solace of a kind word, the joy of gratitude,  
The support of an embrace...feeling the missing, knowing he's alive....and never alone.

Hola, Mi Nombre es Velma

Hi,  My name is Velma.  I'm a daughter to Julie and Mike; sister to Michael and Charlie, wife to Kip, daughter in law to Reta and Frank, mom to Aaron and Matt, niece of a dozen or more people, employee at Syncopation, friend to many, close friend to a few.  I'm a chef, dishwasher, laundress, seamstress, domestic manager, finances coordinator.  I develop best practices in my fields and work hard to keep everything running smoothly.

Hi, My name is Velma....I love to listen to music.  I listen for the message in the lyrics, the harmony between the lyrics and the music, the interpretation by others about the same song.  I love to have spirited discussions about sports, politics, ethics, advancements of technology, downward spiral of our country, the merit of zombie movies (I find no merit in zombie movies.)  I love to read....and will read most anything, just not books that make me cry.  I hate crying.  I love long walks...anywhere, but most often fantasize about walks on the beach with a long billowy skirt blowing against my ankles.  I love to hold hands and kiss.  I love to look in my lover's eyes and see myself...unaltered, unadorned....just me.

I cherish every moment with my children and family.  I love to learn from them.  I love to learn new things.  I get super excited when someone/something manages to make me change my mind about a stance.  I love in depth discussions about personal growth.  I love to be told I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, important.

I love food...sometimes a little too much.  And, if you pair the right wine with the right food...it should create an orgasm in your mouth when consumed together...I love that!  Sunsets make me sad...sunrises make me smile.  Children's laughter and old people's memories remind me that life is fragile.


I realize this blog sounds a lot like a personal ad...but it's not.  For years, I've defined myself by other people's terms....I've allowed myself to be something that is theirs.  But I think I'm finally able to start answering that question I couldn't answer a few years ago:  "Velma, what do you like? What do you want?  Who are you?"  I am everything above...the good and the bad.  They are me....

Time

There are a lot of sayings about time.  Time heals all wounds.  Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Time discovers truth.  Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.

Time, it's a funny  thing.  When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag.  Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license.  Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other?  Can time be kept in a bottle?  Does anyone really know?

I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways.  The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash!  Diaper to driver's licenses.  Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second.  I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things.  One, what a great hugger he is.  And two, I don't hug him enough.  I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.

I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade.  That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep.  Some go back years, some a few months.  I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure.  But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds.  It has healed some...that can be true.  And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that.  But I'll find a way.  I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?  I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore.  I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think.  It forces you to think about yourself...and that person.  What is missing from your life because of them being gone?  Can you live without it?  Can you not live without it?  How would your life be impacted if they were to come back?  Positively? Negatively?

I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful.  Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around.  Oops!

Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude.  Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me.  I can hug my children every day.  I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home.  I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation.  I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical)   And I can buy a new watch! 

Changes and Transitions

This picture is of my NBS (non-biological son)....it's a phrase that was coined over four years ago when our family reconnected with his.  I'm NBM2 (non-biological mom 2)...his step mother is NBM1 and my best friend.  I've known this young man since he was a baby, his father and mother since we were in our teens and his step mom for five years.  He's being sworn into the United States Navy and will be on his way to Great Lakes today for boot camp.

It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad!  It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us.  One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves.  Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way. 

I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest.  I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday.  He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer.  The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.

But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions.  Dear Reader, I am not ready for this.  I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year.  The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me. 

People Can Change

I guess my theme this year has been the trials and tribulations of relationships.  This is any relationship: friendship, marriage, family,  working. I've taken a lot of stock in things.  In how my behavior in regards to some of those I interact with.  In how I've allowed certain treatment to continue, even though detrimental to me.  No one is similar enough that there is never conflict.  And, I believe conflict in a relationship can create a stronger bond...it's certainly true for my marriage and for the relationship I have with the two women closest to me.  It took a lot of work....A LOT OF WORK

I'm the kind of person who will work my hardest to find resolutions to conflicts that I have with people.  In the beginning, I don't really look at where I might have acted/reacted different...I think that's human nature.  We're wounded, our pride has been damaged, our minds are trying to process the events.  It's all about YOU and what YOU did in the beginning.  But I also believe through honest, open communication...you can get past this...you can get past the conflict and find a resolution and move forward.  I've done with the woman I call my sister...now, we're not related at all....but I share EVERYTHING with her.  It hasn't always been this way...we come from very, very different familial backgrounds...her view of my world is different and vise versa.  We needed to work through some pretty weighty conflicts to get to a place where we can say "OK...this is a boundary item...I don't view this the way that you do...but I respect that you have good reasons for why you see it this way."  We've also learned alot about taking responsibility for where we've fucked up....and we both have.

Sometimes, a conflict is deadly...you can't come back from it.  I believe I have a few friendships this year that have taken that road.  And sometimes what you need is someone new....or someone old who is new again...to show you that you are worthy of a better, healthier, more productive relationship.  Sometimes someone you once wrote off will show you that people can change. 

That gives me hope...hope that I'm changing in my interactions with others.  Hope that maybe, someday, a few of the relationships I have had to step away from this year...can be repaired and stronger for the conflict.  

Hello Old Friend

After nearly a year away, I took a "stroll" along the one of the trails on Pineland Campus today.  I had stopped in mid-August during the oppressive heat.  When I originally started the Oak Hill Trail (I don't think I do the full 2.8k as it only takes me 47 minutes) it took me a whopping 58 minutes.  My goal last summer was to get this under 40 minutes...and then I would start to job portions of it....slowly working on that until I was running the whole trail.

Then the oppressive heat began.  I'd work until about 1pm and then decide to go for my walk...only to be waylaid by the tree in front of our office (see a post from last summer about my tree.) I'd lounge under that tree during my lunch break pondering my life and how I was doing in my life.  Always intent on going back to my walk in the woods, I had planned to begin walking the trail again in September.  Then the unimaginable happened...I broke my foot!  Recovery has been slow...I attempted the trail about a month ago only to have my ankle bother me on the uneven ground almost immediately.  Then yesterday, I went to walk around the parking lots and buildings here and decided that what I really wanted was my trail back!

Today was the day!  I filled my water bottle, took a quick stop in the ladies room and made my way out!  Determination setting my mood...I WAS going to do this today!  It's a little about the exercise and a lot about my piece of mind.  While walking and listening to my play list...I process....I think about the things in my life...what's going well, what's not.  Anything decisions I'm conflicted about get worked out here...I've missed this psychologically therapeutic exercise.  I've needed it.  Songs that have meaning to me can help bring clearer focus to something I'm conflicted about.  New people in my life can make an "old" song come alive.  People who are not longer apart of my life (whether by death, moving, or ending of friendships) come to mind as I hear songs that remind me of them.  I relieve good memories...good memories that can help with closure and help remove the bitterness of hurt feelings.

So, Hello old friend!  Same goal as last year...I think we're off to a good start as I finished in 47 minutes.  Only...can we do without the broken foot next year?

Thanks for taking time out of your busy, hectic lives to read a little bit into mine.  I'm always grateful for the feedback from you Dear Reader.

Conflict Resolutions

Sometimes, no matter how you try, conflict resolution just isn't possible.  We all enter conflicts believing WE are right and WE have all the facts....but the old adage says there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. We bring into our conflicts our own emotional baggage and preconceived notions.  And unless we have a true understanding of what our emotional baggage is...we'll never see our part in the conflict.

I'm certainly not saying I don't have emotional baggage...my goodness...I think mine might sink the Titanic.  But I'm very aware of my emotional baggage.  I'm aware of my constant feeling of being left out, not being a part of the group.  Isn't this a major step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?  The need to belong?  I'm also over analytical to a fault....perhaps some of my blog helps illustrate that point.  I'm also a very, very serious person.  I simply don't know how to loosen up....it comes with carrying all that baggage.  And there is so much, much more...but I digress.

Because we go into conflict ready to battle, ready to change another person's mind...we tend to forget that maybe our mind needs to be changed...sometimes....there just is no middle ground.  Each side has viable facts, viable feelings, viable concerns.  It's in the mature relationships that each party can accept proper responsibility for their actions and promise to take care that it doesn't happen again.  When that can't happen...sometimes, the relationship is irrevocably broken.  Friendship destroyed, never to be regained.  Sometimes it's easier to swim with the current than to fight against it...against what will never change. 

Unfortunately, I think that's happened in my life very recently...when you remove all evidence that someone existed in your life (or when you realize someone has removed evidence of your existence)...it's a sad moment...sad for everyone involved.  No pictures, no emails, no cell phone numbers, no gifts, no facebook, nothing.  Sometimes that is the only way you can move on and begin to work on improving yourself.

Dear Reader, you've been following me through some interesting times in the last few years.  I am for ever grateful that you allow me into to your world for even just a little bit...this is my therapy.

Dedication

Music plays a large role in my life...it always has and always will.  Every song has a meaning.  Every rhythm speaks to your psyche.  I love to share my passion for music with others.  I love for them to hear what I'm hearing...to feel what I'm feeling...to experience something together.  Joy, laughter, hurt, sorrow, anger, love.....it's part of what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.  Feelings and sharing.....a combination that makes our world seem a little closer.

As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day.  It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling.  Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal.  If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album.  Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen.  Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.

I hope you can hear what I hear.  I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message.   I hope you see that this is a healing album for me.  I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect.  That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life.  I see some things so much more clearly.  I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me.  I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.

Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.

Cosmic Meanderings

Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader.  Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better.  I have had so many downs...and so few ups.  I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments.  As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why???  Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???

I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth.  I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything.  I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person.  I know that I am innately good.  But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who  are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble.  They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!!  EVER!!!!  Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality.  They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.

I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that.  Or rather, I used to feel that way.  I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility.  (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble.  I don't want to think the world revolves around me.  I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises.  I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love. 

It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly.  It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly.  Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles. 

You love deeply, dear reader!  Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply.  When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you.  You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled.  Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.

A Letter to My Brothers

Dear M and C,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I know that you're struggling through another custody battle (M) and learning to live for a small wage, low hours at minimum wage while living far away from home (C).  I wanted to let you know that things are going "OK" here in New England.

Dad is as grumpy as ever.  His COPD and emphysemaa make any kind of activity difficult for him.  At 59 years of age, it's really hard to adjust to doing nothing...all of the time.  Every small twinge of pain becomes life threatening.  Waking up with stiff joints means you're dying.  A long night without sleep...obviously a brain tumor.  No one hears you beep your horn in the driveway...yet another source of aggravation.  Two, unobstructed, hernias mean that every abdominal pain means you've suddenly got an obstruction and need immediate medical attention. 

I've been woken up numerous times in the last few months to hearing our father "writhing" in pain only to find out it's gas from the beer he's had to drink that day.  Or maybe it's just that he actually passed out and laid in one position for far too long and his muscles are protesting.  A stomach flu, that had been going around, resulted in an 11 hour emergency room trip that ended with me suffering from exhaustion and dehydration...all while my family slept/went to school/worked/nearly homeless in Lewiston/working in Virginia.  But hey, I'm the oldest right?  It's my job to take care of these things.......right?

Mom is in the hospital again.  It seems the latest string of therapists believe she's been denying her abuses from long ago long enough and it's time to deal with them. Suicidal thoughts abound...people afraid she'll harm herself...and a 72 hour psych hold in Rhode Island....three hours away from me, her nearest....RESPONSIBLE...relative.  Nancy has been awesome during all of this.  As usual, I trust her judgement implicitly.  I just wish I could be down there giving our mother the care and attention she deserves.  Being sexually abused your entire childhood takes a horrible, horrible toll on a person.  I long to envelope our mother in my arms and let her know that SHE IS SAFE!  No one shall harm her while I'm on the watch.  Alas, I'm in the middle of my own familial drama.

I quickly found a place for my family, and our father, to move since the landlady needs her house back.  Moving day is this weekend.  I've been packing and throwing and purging and reliving portions of my life that are happy, sad and difficult for a month now.  I remembered the day I got married, when I came across my bouquet.  C...you spent the night before with Kip because we knew YOU could remember how to get to the house where the ceremony was.  M...you cried because you thought you were losing your sister.

I don't think I ever was your sister.  I think I was the person who stepped in when Mom just couldn't anymore.  I took the calls in the middle of the night, from the police department because you were stupid!  I made sure you got up for the bus in the morning.  I cooked, I cleaned, I circumvented.  I gave up soooo much to help Dad (and Mom) try to maintain some sort of semblance of a family life...to help you two feel that you were a part of a family.  And what did I do that for?

I love you both...but you only talk to me when you want something...neither one of you are really there when I need you....like now...neither one of you take an active role in our parent's care.  In some ways, I think I was an actually an only child.  As I sit here at my dining room table, on the last Friday night I will spend in a place I've called home for nearly four years...I really wonder...do I have brothers?  Are we a cohesive unit?  I mean, C isn't talking to me because I didn't remember his birthday (I remembered, I choose not to acknowledge) and only contacts me when he wants money...and M only looks for me when he has laundry to do and is broke 3 days after getting paid.  I've given a lot of my life to you...to worrying about you...to caring for you...to making you more important than my husband and children......and yet, I still sit here caring for OUR parents alone.

I feel lonely.  Kip is an only child and he feels less lonely than I do...the oldest of three.  That ought to say something to me....to me.  I will continue to care for OUR parents...because someone has to.  Dad's been living with me for 7 years...he's verbally abused my children, suspected physical abuse of my dog...and has told people that I do nothing for him.  Mom sits in a psych ward sounding drugged to the hilt and really needs something I cannot give her at the moment....and the two people in my life I should be able to count on for help at THIS moment in time are MIA.....I'm not exactly sure what I did to draw this straw...but I promise, as I struggle through dealing with it all, I will find a way to make this a positive for me.

Love your sister,
Velma

Knowing When to Let Go and Having the Strength

Letting go...is never easy.  It could be finally accepting the death of a loved one and letting the pain go, allowing a child grow and move on to adulthood, saying good bye to someone you love who isn't there for you anymore or letting go of a friendship that just isn't good for you.  Whatever it is...there are steps everyone must go through to get a place of acceptance and peace.  It takes courage, strength and the right frame of mind. 

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take a good look at the relationships I have with others.  I've spent a lot of time the last few weeks really analyzing my interactions with other people, trying to understand my role in the relationships....my strengths, my weaknesses, my important contributions.  Self reflection is never a bad thing, but I tend to let mine paralyze me.  I tend to see things through extremely critical eyes (especially myself)...and I've learned that I will almost always take the blame to stop an argument.  Or maybe I take the blame because no matter how toxic the relationship is...I can't stand to let it go and move forward.  This is probably partly because I'm a Leo and loyal to the end...no matter who that loyalty is focused on.

So, over the last 4-5 weeks I've been doing an inventory of sorts...I know it's a cold sounding term, but I really took stock in those closest to me.  Why am I close with them?  Do they make me feel good about myself?  Do they not?  Do I contribute in a positive or negative manner in their lives?  Do they contribute positively or negatively in mine?  Am I friends with them because they are a connection to someone else?  Is this a relationship that is worthy of a no-holds barred connection?  Can I be honest with them?  Can I accept honesty from them?  Are they really more of an acquaintance and not the close friend I keep wanting them to be? 

Added to this, and as I've maybe noted in previous posts, I have spent my entire life putting other people and their feelings ahead of mine.  It's detrimental to my psyche and I'm starting to see this.  Everyone is egocentric to a point, and we should be.  Our world should revolve, to some degree, around us.  It's all well and good to ensure the safety, sanity and well being of others...but not at the cost of ignoring your own.  This has been my life lesson the last year or so...and I'm ready to take that lesson and apply it to my life.

As a result, I've redefined the relationships that I have with some people.  I've either stepped back or let go of the toxic relationships that I allowed to cause me harm.  Note, I said "I allowed to cause me harm."  You see, I'm adult and enlightened enough to be able to take responsibility for my actions.  I let people take me for granted.  I let people continue to walk all over me.  I let people forget that I have valid feelings that need resolution.  I place myself in these situations and then struggle to "fix them."  You can't fix what is unfix-able...you can only fix you.

I have finally figured out it's time to "let go" (or redefine) of some relationships.  And I believe I have the strength to make these changes.  Some people aren't (or won't be) happy with me...or the changes they see in me.  But the important thing here is that I'm finally placing importance on myself and doing good by me.  I now have to find the strength to accept this about myself and enforce myself to follow it.