Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Right???? I guess maybe I'm being tested right now. My Uncle Dave just passed away yesterday. My mother got admitted to a hospital 3 hours a way last night and my dad isn't feeling well. All three events in three different directions and my mind is a jumbled mess.
So, my plan is to travel 3 hours to Rhode Island to be there for my mom while she undergoes testing for her chest pains. My brother Charlie is going to take the charge of Dad. And maybe, we'll make it to Connecticut to be with our family as we say goodbye to another family member.
I'm tired of emotions...I've been emotional for weeks now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I thought being the "strong one in the family" meant that I wouldn't have to deal with these emotions...why do I feel the burden of the family on my shoulders? Who elected me? And why wasn't I part of that democratic process??? I would just let some of it go for a bit and not worry about any of it....I don't expect that will happen anytime soon.....
Life is a series of tests...you don't have to pass or fail...it's your performance during the tests that identifies who you are.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Happy Pi Day
To all of my geek friends, Happy Pi Day! Until nine years ago, today was a fun day for me. Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to it's diameter. In schools across the nation...Pi Day is celebrated...I kinda miss Pi day. Then again, I am the woman who did long division as a "focal point" during contractions for her oldest son....I never, ever said I was normal.
In 2001, Pi Day took on new meaning for me...it became the day my world was irrevocably torn apart. Nothing's been the same since...a lot of good things have occurred...and not some not so good...but on this day nine years ago, I lost someone very, very dear to me...my grandmother Nancy Lee Cox Wells passed away at the young age of 70. She had survived heart surgery and lived with lung disease for many, many years. She'd had her hip and ankle broken...but when she died, she was full of life....errr, well you know what I mean. Her disease didn't beat her down...she wasn't on a breathing machine constantly (except for her oxygen) and she wasn't stuck in a bed unable to move. My dad, her ex-son in law, has the same diagnosis. He's 58 and I'd say at 58 he's in a lot worse shape than she was at 70.
I guess that is something to be thankful for. Grandma was a do-er...never one to sit still. The summer before she had spent over a month at my house...sometimes walking to Bingo Halls while Kip and I visited with his parents...never telling us that was her plan. It was the first time she'd come up and had money to spend....she kept winning at Bingo. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her...and I think she developed a secret crush on my neighbor Ray....who died the same day we moved back to Maine after 5 years in Connecticut.
She was, in many ways, my rock. I could call her for ANYTHING. I could discuss ANYTHING with her. She loved her kids, their spouses, their ex's, her grandchildren, their spouses and ex's...and her great grandchildren more than anything. It is from her that I learned what unconditional love really is...and what it means to give someone your unconditional love. She judged no one. She talked to anyone. And she loved every single member of her family, no matter what bad things they may have done.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and will be devastated when their time comes too. Losing Grandma has been the biggest struggle of my life and this year seems to be the worst since the first 4-5. But there is progress....usually I remember this day with a drink....or ten...this year, I simply had a margarita with my lunch. Perhaps this growing up stuff isn't so bad.
Happy Pi Day Everyone! Happy Remembrance Day to the Well's family.
In 2001, Pi Day took on new meaning for me...it became the day my world was irrevocably torn apart. Nothing's been the same since...a lot of good things have occurred...and not some not so good...but on this day nine years ago, I lost someone very, very dear to me...my grandmother Nancy Lee Cox Wells passed away at the young age of 70. She had survived heart surgery and lived with lung disease for many, many years. She'd had her hip and ankle broken...but when she died, she was full of life....errr, well you know what I mean. Her disease didn't beat her down...she wasn't on a breathing machine constantly (except for her oxygen) and she wasn't stuck in a bed unable to move. My dad, her ex-son in law, has the same diagnosis. He's 58 and I'd say at 58 he's in a lot worse shape than she was at 70.
I guess that is something to be thankful for. Grandma was a do-er...never one to sit still. The summer before she had spent over a month at my house...sometimes walking to Bingo Halls while Kip and I visited with his parents...never telling us that was her plan. It was the first time she'd come up and had money to spend....she kept winning at Bingo. She was the happiest I'd ever seen her...and I think she developed a secret crush on my neighbor Ray....who died the same day we moved back to Maine after 5 years in Connecticut.
She was, in many ways, my rock. I could call her for ANYTHING. I could discuss ANYTHING with her. She loved her kids, their spouses, their ex's, her grandchildren, their spouses and ex's...and her great grandchildren more than anything. It is from her that I learned what unconditional love really is...and what it means to give someone your unconditional love. She judged no one. She talked to anyone. And she loved every single member of her family, no matter what bad things they may have done.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and will be devastated when their time comes too. Losing Grandma has been the biggest struggle of my life and this year seems to be the worst since the first 4-5. But there is progress....usually I remember this day with a drink....or ten...this year, I simply had a margarita with my lunch. Perhaps this growing up stuff isn't so bad.
Happy Pi Day Everyone! Happy Remembrance Day to the Well's family.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Sunlight Through The Window
It's been a bit since my last post....mostly because I had my internet shut off to save some money. I mean, I have a blackberry so any online stuff that "NEEDS" to be done can be done on that. The boys can use the internet at school and the library...and even though I left a horrible work environment, I took a $750/month hit in my finances...OUCH!!! My brother, who's living with us, got the internet hooked up in his name this week. I didn't realize how much I missed the internet...thanks Bob Chuck!!! (His nickname is a story for another time.)
I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. Recently my Aunt Grace passed away. She had Alzheimer's and was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I was unable to see her before her passing and I was unable to get to Connecticut for her funeral. But, I believe this was the catalyst for my "hard time." Aunt Grace and my grandmother were nearly the same age...only Grandma passed away nine years ago on 3/14. Her death was a HUGE loss for me...at times insurmountable. Then I got news that my Uncle Dave was given two months left to live because of his cancer. Does it ever end? And still, I can't get to CT to visit with my family before they pass. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Earlier this week, I had some pretty horrible words with my youngest son. I love Matthew more than anything in the world. His positive attitude and need to make people laugh inspire me. He's more intelligent than he gives himself credit for (and more than testing can show) and I believe he can become a successful adult...but he's also my biggest challenge. I said some things that I really shouldn't have said to him. Later, I went to apologize to him and he was on the phone with my mother. That one simple act caught me completely off guard. I mean, I know he calls her when he's upset and I'm extremely grateful that he has her for that. It's exactly what I used to do with my grandmother....for so long, she was my rock. I got through my younger years because of three distinct people: Mr. Neal, Kip and Grandma. Without them...I don't want to think about where I would be right now.
As I apologized to him and went downstairs to put myself in a time out...I couldn't stop thinking about WHY him being on the phone with my mom bothered me so much. It's a special relationship and is probably going to be something that helps him leave my home sane....and then it dawned on me...as I struggle to raise him and deal with his teenage issues, the one and only person I want to talk to in my grandmother. I want to call her and tell her how much of an ass he's being, how he doesn't respect me and most importantly, how I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to hear her voice telling me that I'm being silly. I want to feel the warmth of her love for me over the phone and her embrace through what she's saying. I desperately miss that. I didn't realize how much until recently. I thought I had dealt with her passing, but it's become apparent to me that I've been in denial for many years...and perhaps that is my way of keeping her alive.
And because I have no "good" way of ending this post, I will end it here...sitting on my couch with the sunlight coming through my window and heating the back of my neck.
I've been having a hard time the last few weeks. Recently my Aunt Grace passed away. She had Alzheimer's and was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I was unable to see her before her passing and I was unable to get to Connecticut for her funeral. But, I believe this was the catalyst for my "hard time." Aunt Grace and my grandmother were nearly the same age...only Grandma passed away nine years ago on 3/14. Her death was a HUGE loss for me...at times insurmountable. Then I got news that my Uncle Dave was given two months left to live because of his cancer. Does it ever end? And still, I can't get to CT to visit with my family before they pass. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Earlier this week, I had some pretty horrible words with my youngest son. I love Matthew more than anything in the world. His positive attitude and need to make people laugh inspire me. He's more intelligent than he gives himself credit for (and more than testing can show) and I believe he can become a successful adult...but he's also my biggest challenge. I said some things that I really shouldn't have said to him. Later, I went to apologize to him and he was on the phone with my mother. That one simple act caught me completely off guard. I mean, I know he calls her when he's upset and I'm extremely grateful that he has her for that. It's exactly what I used to do with my grandmother....for so long, she was my rock. I got through my younger years because of three distinct people: Mr. Neal, Kip and Grandma. Without them...I don't want to think about where I would be right now.
As I apologized to him and went downstairs to put myself in a time out...I couldn't stop thinking about WHY him being on the phone with my mom bothered me so much. It's a special relationship and is probably going to be something that helps him leave my home sane....and then it dawned on me...as I struggle to raise him and deal with his teenage issues, the one and only person I want to talk to in my grandmother. I want to call her and tell her how much of an ass he's being, how he doesn't respect me and most importantly, how I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to hear her voice telling me that I'm being silly. I want to feel the warmth of her love for me over the phone and her embrace through what she's saying. I desperately miss that. I didn't realize how much until recently. I thought I had dealt with her passing, but it's become apparent to me that I've been in denial for many years...and perhaps that is my way of keeping her alive.
And because I have no "good" way of ending this post, I will end it here...sitting on my couch with the sunlight coming through my window and heating the back of my neck.
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