Returning Demons

Dear Reader,

This may be my very first "drunk" blog post.  OK...I'm not exactly drunk...but I am under the influence.  The "influence" actually brings out some really deep seeded emotions that I keep hidden from myself, but most importantly, from others.

Here's the thing dear reader....my formative years were a bit tumultuous (insert sarcasm here.)  My family faced all sorts of hardship and I could list them all and your eyes would glaze over.  Or maybe you'd think "Oh geez, another sob story."  So why bother you with the mundane details?  Suffice it to say, that when you're  eleven years old to .... oh your mid 20s....it's significant and unique to you at that time. Mom was sick, brothers were assholes, Dad couldn't cope. A sad, sordid tale of mental illness, behavioral indiscretions, poverty and physical/verbal abuse.  You know, the kind you hid from the kids at high school only to learn around your 20th reunion that a lot of you were never alone in this experience!

Events over the last week have brought a lot of this stuff SCREAMING to the forefront of my brain.  A person, I didn't realize was pivotal in my NOT ending up in a crack whore house, passed away. Followed by the "official" news that my 14 year old transgender nephew was once again in the hospital for suicidal intention...oh and had been for over 2 weeks. This has all come crashing into my consciousness...boy do I wish it stayed in my subconsciousness.

Here is the thing Dear Reader....you can never escape this!  I find myself suddenly reverted back to my teenage-self full of hormones, teenage angst and feelings of low self-worth and inadequacies...not to mention feeling like I simply do not fit in ANYWHERE (square peg round hole anyone?)   Some of those were certainly typical "teenage girl" feelings...but some of them were born from a very uncertain, scary time of my life. It makes me feel  vulnerable and exposed. To say that I hate this is an understatement...a HUGE understatement!

Early tonight someone, who I could give two shits about, spoke to me about not being involved in said nephews life/trials/tribulations.  Someone with absolutely NO clue what I went through growing up.  Someone with NO clue about the demons that I carry with me.  Someone who I warned TWO years ago that my nephew had some issues that clearly needed psychological intervention!   Everything from a very difficult time of my life resurfacing all at once!  Not in a wave...but in a tsunami.  This isn't fair!  This person was judging me without ANY of the facts.  This person made me feel stupid, small, insignificant, deficient.

I gave this asshole way too much power over me....my deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy and lack of belonging allowed this to happen.  I can't change this.  I don't know how to change my own personal mindset.  I could spend hours (and I would need hours) to explain to him how and why I am who I am but I don't want to...he means nothing to me (even if I did let him get to me.) And really, it wouldn't change his perception of me....and do I really care?  No...I care more that I let him put me back in this place of feeling inferior and insignificant....I need to find a way to stop myself from falling into this trap.

Dear Reader...you can never escape your earlier years.  They make you who you are today...it's your choice to like that person or not.  We all have demons to wrestle with...mine come with a nasty bite.  Your early years define you for decades, for the rest of your life.  Your choices are to embrace it or hide from it.  I need to learn how to embrace it so I stop hiding from it.