Balance

Hello dear Reader,  it's been awhile, I know.  Suffice it to say that June 2012 to November 2013 was a very, very trying time for me.  Finances were a mess.  We moved not once, not twice, not three times...but four times. I got diagnosed with degenerative disc disease after being in excruciating pain for weeks. I finally quit that horrible company I worked for.  I started a new job. My oldest son entered his adulthood by joining the US Navy.  And perhaps most importantly, my father passed away.

Life sucked.  Nothing seemed to be good. Everything was crashing down around me and I didn't know where to turn. Some friendships turned out to be very disappointing.  The loss of my dad and my oldest son, my "mini me," leaving for his new adventures left me looking at the rest of my life and wondering just what the hell was I going to do.  How to move forward? How to make sense of all the chaos?

Balance was the key....I needed to find balance. I needed to balance the good with the bad.  I need to take an inventory of people, things, stuff in my life and see where each lay.  And I found that so much stuff was on the bad side that I was constantly falling off my personal, metaphysical, balance beam.

Step 1: Remove the bad stuff you CAN control.  I ended some relationships that were very toxic. I tackled some financial stuff. I ended employment with a company that cared less about it's human capital than a Chinese sweatshop. I uncluttered my life physically by getting rid of unwanted stuff in my living space. I stopped a lifestyle choice that wasn't working for me or my family.  I started watching the food I put in my mouth. True, I still have some financial issues and my son being gone and my dad passing still hurt more than I can express....but I can't control some of these.

Step 2: Foster the good stuff you CAN control. I started to cultivate and nurture my healthy relationships beginning with myself, moving onto my husband, children, my mother, my best friend and those friends that I really kept on the outside looking in.  I opened myself up a little bit. I did an in depth analysis of our finances.  I saw where we were needlessly spending money.  I saw where I could actually start working on paying old credit problems and get them off my credit report. I got a new job at a company that I LOVE!  The benefits are awesome, my coworkers rock and I can see me being here for a LONG time. I started walking and joined a gym.  I continue to organize my physical living space. And you know those issues I can't control?  I try my hardest to let them go.

Step 3: Maintain the balance while growing.  Not easy for sure.  But, I'm starting classes next month to pursue my graduate degree. I can't express just how much I LOVE learning.  I could be a professional student if I had unlimited financial resources. Kip and I are taking our first ever vacation...in twenty four years of marriage! I'm fostering some new relationships and fostering my place in my work life. I'm planning on doing a few 5K's this year. Mostly, I'm taking things with a little more of a grain of salt than I used to.

I'd like to see that these changes are starting to be noticed. I'm looking better.  I'm feeling better, physically and mentally. I have a confidence I never really had before.  And each day, I continue to try to take stock in my life and continue to keep things balanced.

2014 is the year for balance.

My Eulogy for My Dad

Michael A Mitchell

9/28/1951 - 4/21/2013

My Dad

My father will not be read about on the news or in the history books.  There will be no eulogies from celebrities and no paparazzi sneaking snapshots of those in attendances today.  But my father was a great man.

When I think of my father, I think of the middle child of eleven children.  A man who lost his brother and father before the age of 25.  A man of meager means, but full of heart.  A man who struggled between who he was and who he wanted to be and how to get there.  He loved greatly and never gave up on anyone.  He instilled in me the qualities such as: unconditional love, compassion, integrity, hard work, devotion, humor and security.

My father left a piece of him in everyone he touched.  When I look at all of you, I see bits of my father everywhere.  I see brothers and sisters with that all too familiar Mitchell snout and huge smile.  I see a family bonded together by undying love.  When I look at Michael, I see the dreamer.  The get rich quick plans like rubbermaid garage door with automatic garage door opener.  Dad probably thought of this way back in the 70's when my  "precocious" toddler brother "drove" the car through my Grandpa Well's garage door.

When I look at Charlie, I actually see my dad at 34, when I was 11.  That big smile, Mitchell nose, beautiful thick hair and twinkle in his eyes when he's up to no good.

When I look at Victoria, I see the stubbornness.  Oh, the stubbornness! Even to the end he said "We have to do this MY way."  Victoria, use this stubbornness to help you get the things that truly, truly matter in life.

When I look at Matthew, I see the jokester.  The desire to lighten up any situation, to elicit an infections smile.  The message is that life is too short to take anything, but especially ourselves, too seriously.  When I look at Aaron, I see not just the dreamer but the do-er.  Before Aaron embarked on his adulthood with the Navy, I could always count on him to get stuff done.  The do-er with a dream of great things and the means to get them done.

As each of you say your final good byes to my dad, think of the part of him that he left with you.  KNow that even at the end of his journey, he still was a dreamer, eye-twinkler, stubborn, do-er, jokester.

Thankful

It's been a year where it's been difficult to find something to be thankful for at times...looking at the bright side was becoming exhausting, even depressing.  I spent so much time thinking of ways to lift those around me up, that I lost track of lifting myself up as well.  It's been a year of big, big changes.  Most notably, our oldest son graduated high school, turned 18, oh...and entered the United States Navy.  My mini-me...one quarter of our family, one quarter of the balance in our little family has moved out of our nest.  And I use nest "loosely" because at the time that most of this was happening...we were living in my best friend's basement...unfinished basement.

It's been a humbling year...and we're not done yet.  We've (hopefully) hit the financial rock bottom...decades of bad money  management caught up with us.  I've started a new job...but have been seen as the "dumb one" in the position.  My children have made huge accomplishments that magnified that they are rapidly moving on towards their next chapter...adulthood.  I've been told I was loved but treated like I wasn't more than gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I've had to move my father into a home separate from mine for the first time in eight years.  I've had two "adopted" children bond to my heart only to leave on their own paths.  I've made some serious mistakes...and have had some serious slaps in the face.

And through it all...I've had the most important thing in front of me....I've had the most important people in my life.  A handful of close friends, and a new friend, who don't cease to make me smile.  My mother in law...once upon a time, I thought she hated me.  Now, I'm proud to say she's my "Mom in law"....emphasis on MOM.  My parents...both ill in their own way...wouldn't hesitate to talk to me when I'm upset or pat my back when they think I've done good.  They would never kick me when I'm down and the rest of the world is taking it's kidney shots.  My children...my god, I don't even know where to start...both funny, intelligent boys with sparkling personalities (no they are not vampires!) and huge ambitions.  Both would step in front of a bullet for me, and I them.  And most importantly, my husband....twenty five years and going strong.  Twenty five tough years of learning and growing, fighting and loving...and through it all...I get to sleep at night with my best friend...the only person on this earth that truly gets to see the "real" me.

So, while I've had a lot to not be thankful for....I still have the most important things that I need to honor today...and every day. 

Summertime Blues

What a world!  Recently packed up, threw out, sold, gave away, stored just about everything we own.  Gave our beloved pet, Max, to our son's best friend. Moved my father into an apartment with my brother Michael...and we're now living in my best friend's basement...our sons sharing a room upstairs.  We're doing this because we need to get some debt paid down.  We're doing this because we work constantly, play hardly and still can't make ends meet...something has got to give...and it did.

I'm extremely grateful that they are helping us out...however, that doesn't help the feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion, and unworthiness....they surround me and suffocate me...and that is only one aspect of my life...it's seeping into everything else.

Certain, personal (even too personal for here, believe it or not) areas of my life are crashing down around me. Nothing is going right...every day something bad or negative happens...and it's happening with such frequency and ferocity that I found myself amazed that I have gone nearly 24 hours without a negative experience!  Without an overly negative thought, situation, experience, news...anything!  I almost want to cry because of it...thing is, I have cried enough in the last few weeks and now that I'll be crying more in the coming weeks...especially the end of the month. 

It's clear to me that things have to change...in several areas of my life. It's also clear that some are going to change whether I want them to or not...my oldest son WILL leave home and embark on a new, exciting, grand adventure.  My youngest son will continue to assert, and push, his independence.  There is no gain without sacrifice...right? 

Through this, and the support network I'm building, those feelings of failure, dependence, inadequacy, intrusion and unworthiness will be replaced with confidence, independence, ability, belonging and worthiness.  Or, at least, at this moment, I have convinced myself that is the end result.

Hidden

 I saw this painting at an art show at the Abrahadbra Oasis almost two years ago...and was immediately drawn to it.  So, I purchased it...and am considering making some of it my next tattoo.

What do I see?  I see a woman who's been locked up emotionally.  Every thing in her life bottled up, by her own design or by others, it matters not.  All that matters is that it's been bottled up like a 2 liter of Coke with a package of Mento's dropped in and the cap placed back on.  Hidden....festering...bubbling...until she can't take it anymore and she explodes. Her hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears, joys, everything comes exploding out of her....the oxygen igniting it all, increasing the flames of truth, reality, feeling until it consumes everything around her. 

What do I see?  I see me.  I see the young girl that learned early on to build her walls so high that no one can climb them.  I see the young woman she became who put her needs, wants, desires aside for those important to her.  Cared for them, helped them achieve their wants, needs, and desires to the best of her ability....above her own.  I see the woman on the brink of entering "Middle Age."  Her "job" as mother, nurturer, educator is rapidly changing.  Her children's no longer view her as the center of her world...but now an important cornerstone. 

I see a woman who still, for the most part, feels hidden.  Hiding from the world and being hidden from the world by others.  I see a woman struggling to let herself out...to feel, want, need, desire.  I see a woman who is tired of being hidden.  I don't want to be hidden anymore.  I want to be happy with who I am...and I want those around me to be happy that I'm a part of their life, in every capacity...I want them to be proud of me.  I want to stop hiding...and I want to stop being hidden.

Big changes are coming in my life...now seems to be a good time to stop hiding.

Change

Dear Reader,

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post...my thoughts have been dark and random and focused on a lot of stuff...Most importantly...all of the changes in my life.  Changes happening, changes to come...and changes I want to make. Thank you to those who have been asking me to blog...to talk...to share.  I've listened...I've just shared silently.

I don't even know where to start...I just know that I need to do this. Big happenings going on.  My youngest son's best friend moved in with us in January of this year.  He stayed with us until mid-April and left for basic training May 1.  A precursor of events to come...I cried, I lamented, I worried...and I still think about him every day.  Is he ok?  Is the Army beating him up?  I can't wait for him to come home.  I can't wait to see my youngest have his best bud back for a bit.

We're moving in with friends.  We just can't get our finances straightened out where we are at now...and something drastic needs to happen.  My dad and my brother Mike are going to share an apartment.  This will mean that for the first time in eight years, my dad will not be living with me.  Freedom?  Reprieve?  Sanity returns?  All of the above?

Perhaps the biggest change...is my "buddy" growing up and moving into adulthood.  Pictured here are Aaron and I in late September of last year.  A good friend took a ton of pictures for his senior picture...I decided that I needed one with him.  This is it!  I have a special bond with both of my boys...but each bond is different.  In 8 days, Aaron graduates from high school.  In 58 days, he leaves home and enters the US Navy.  Fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, pride, love, and many, many other emotions are experienced all at once.  This boy...this young man...came into my life when I thought all hope was lost.  Kip was stationed on a ship in Italy.  I lived over there with him...dark days.  I remember trying to get second degree sunburns on my feet so the Navy would have to send him home.  I remember dropping a large rock on my ankle to try to break it...so the Navy would send him home.  What kept me from doing something more drastic was this little boy who depended on me for EVERYTHING.  Unconditional love at it's greatest.  His smile warmed me.  His need gave me purpose.  He was all at once, my everything and my life line. 

I didn't once think about my life in 18 years when he would be no longer be a part of my daily life...when he would begin his journey that we helped prepare him for....LIFE.  Now, that time is upon us...and I don't know if I can cope with it.  I know that I don't have a choice.  And I'm immensely proud of him...and I know he's well prepared for this and will do extremely in whatever path he chooses.  I'm just sad that a large part of my life is changing.  Scared about what it means for me.  More changes to come...more to process...more to learn and grow through...

Thanks

The second Monday of my unemployed status.  Jobs applied for.  Now, I can sit back and reflect on my weekend.  Every year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I have a celebration of my own...this allows my entire family to be with me and also to give my mother in law the opportunity to spend the actual holiday with us. 

I almost cancelled my party this year...with the loss of my job, financial upheaval, and overall cranky attitude...I thought maybe it would be best to throw a turkey in the oven, peel some potatoes and set the table for six instead of seventeen.  A little bit of quiet...a little bit of solitude...and a whole lot of isolation.  But, knowing that giving into those feelings would only deepen  my depression...I kept the party going.  And I'm very grateful that I did.  A total of twenty-one people were in my small, humble home on Saturday.  And I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I'm thankful for those around me helping me to boost my spirits...and move forward. 

There were a few notables missing. I wish I could have made it possible for them to join me.  I don't know what I'd do to make that possible for a few of them.  There is always next year. 

Onwards to positive changes....