There are a lot of sayings about time. Time heals all wounds. Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Time discovers truth. Time flies when you're having fun. I could go on.
Time, it's a funny thing. When something is coming up that your anxious about...good or bad...time can fly or drag. Time with your children seems to pass quickly...one moment diapers, then next driver's license. Reasons for conflict fade over time...what was it that you were mad about anyway? Absence makes the heart grow fonder...don't we forget each others faults when we're not near each other? Can time be kept in a bottle? Does anyone really know?
I've been thinking a lot about time lately...in many different ways. The most prominent is the time with my children...gone in a flash! Diaper to driver's licenses. Walking to Graduation...it's all coming so quickly...I just want to stop time, for just a second. I gave my oldest a hug for his birthday yesterday...and I realized two things. One, what a great hugger he is. And two, I don't hug him enough. I think I'm going to resolve to hug him every day....even if he fights me about it.
I've also been thinking about time healing all wounds and how reasons for conflicts fade. That used to be true...I have some wounds that are pretty deep. Some go back years, some a few months. I think the fact that I can still identify exactly what upset me tells me that my actions were probably the right course of action...could that change in the future...sure. But right now, for the most part, time hasn't quite healed the wounds. It has healed some...that can be true. And it has...and I'm struggling a little bit with how to reconcile that. But I'll find a way. I'll find a way to make it fit into my life and my new frame of mind.
Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I don't think so...I don't think you slowly forget the faults of those you hold dear because they aren't around to "bug" you anymore. I think what really happens is that time removes the instantaneous reactions to events....it forces you to think. It forces you to think about yourself...and that person. What is missing from your life because of them being gone? Can you live without it? Can you not live without it? How would your life be impacted if they were to come back? Positively? Negatively?
I've tried to keep time in a bottle...and I have to say I was successful. Unfortunately, my watch is now stuck in a coke bottle that I must carry around. Oops!
Stealing from a friend...Gratitude is Attitude. Perhaps shifting my focus from what time is taking away from me....I should focus on what I can do with what time has given me. I can hug my children every day. I can look forward to missing those daily hugs when they've reached adulthood and moved from my home. I can be thankful that my memories of why I have a conflict are fading...and look forward to reconciliation. I can act upon the fondness I feel for someone when they are within my distance (virtual and physical) And I can buy a new watch!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Changes and Transitions
It's an event that leaves me feeling very, very sad....and I'm not mom or dad! It marks an event in our family's that will forever change us. One of our own is officially entering adulthood and moving onto a life where they are fully responsible for themselves. Next is my oldest...then two years after that both youngest boys will be heading on their way.
I'm not sure if it's the knowledge of what boot camp will be like for him, or the fact that we have to let go, that is the hardest. I've been in tears off and on since his going away party on Sunday. He is leaving us a boy/young man...fun, carefree, relaxed...and he'll return to us hopefully still all those, but add seriousness, responsible, sense of purpose...and maybe the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's got broad shoulders...I know he can handle it....but like his parent's, I just want him to be able to relish in his last moments of childhood just a bit longer. The naivety, the bright eyed wonder at something new, the innocence....just a bit longer.
But, everything must change...and he must transition into being an adult. And, in one year's time, it will be my turn to watch my child to go through these changes and transitions. Dear Reader, I am not ready for this. I'm not ready for my non-biological son to become a man...and I'm not ready for my son to take his turn next year. The next year is going to be tough...excitement for him and scared for me.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
People Can Change
I guess my theme this year has been the trials and tribulations of relationships. This is any relationship: friendship, marriage, family, working. I've taken a lot of stock in things. In how my behavior in regards to some of those I interact with. In how I've allowed certain treatment to continue, even though detrimental to me. No one is similar enough that there is never conflict. And, I believe conflict in a relationship can create a stronger bond...it's certainly true for my marriage and for the relationship I have with the two women closest to me. It took a lot of work....A LOT OF WORK
I'm the kind of person who will work my hardest to find resolutions to conflicts that I have with people. In the beginning, I don't really look at where I might have acted/reacted different...I think that's human nature. We're wounded, our pride has been damaged, our minds are trying to process the events. It's all about YOU and what YOU did in the beginning. But I also believe through honest, open communication...you can get past this...you can get past the conflict and find a resolution and move forward. I've done with the woman I call my sister...now, we're not related at all....but I share EVERYTHING with her. It hasn't always been this way...we come from very, very different familial backgrounds...her view of my world is different and vise versa. We needed to work through some pretty weighty conflicts to get to a place where we can say "OK...this is a boundary item...I don't view this the way that you do...but I respect that you have good reasons for why you see it this way." We've also learned alot about taking responsibility for where we've fucked up....and we both have.
Sometimes, a conflict is deadly...you can't come back from it. I believe I have a few friendships this year that have taken that road. And sometimes what you need is someone new....or someone old who is new again...to show you that you are worthy of a better, healthier, more productive relationship. Sometimes someone you once wrote off will show you that people can change.
That gives me hope...hope that I'm changing in my interactions with others. Hope that maybe, someday, a few of the relationships I have had to step away from this year...can be repaired and stronger for the conflict.
I'm the kind of person who will work my hardest to find resolutions to conflicts that I have with people. In the beginning, I don't really look at where I might have acted/reacted different...I think that's human nature. We're wounded, our pride has been damaged, our minds are trying to process the events. It's all about YOU and what YOU did in the beginning. But I also believe through honest, open communication...you can get past this...you can get past the conflict and find a resolution and move forward. I've done with the woman I call my sister...now, we're not related at all....but I share EVERYTHING with her. It hasn't always been this way...we come from very, very different familial backgrounds...her view of my world is different and vise versa. We needed to work through some pretty weighty conflicts to get to a place where we can say "OK...this is a boundary item...I don't view this the way that you do...but I respect that you have good reasons for why you see it this way." We've also learned alot about taking responsibility for where we've fucked up....and we both have.
Sometimes, a conflict is deadly...you can't come back from it. I believe I have a few friendships this year that have taken that road. And sometimes what you need is someone new....or someone old who is new again...to show you that you are worthy of a better, healthier, more productive relationship. Sometimes someone you once wrote off will show you that people can change.
That gives me hope...hope that I'm changing in my interactions with others. Hope that maybe, someday, a few of the relationships I have had to step away from this year...can be repaired and stronger for the conflict.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Hello Old Friend
Then the oppressive heat began. I'd work until about 1pm and then decide to go for my walk...only to be waylaid by the tree in front of our office (see a post from last summer about my tree.) I'd lounge under that tree during my lunch break pondering my life and how I was doing in my life. Always intent on going back to my walk in the woods, I had planned to begin walking the trail again in September. Then the unimaginable happened...I broke my foot! Recovery has been slow...I attempted the trail about a month ago only to have my ankle bother me on the uneven ground almost immediately. Then yesterday, I went to walk around the parking lots and buildings here and decided that what I really wanted was my trail back!
Today was the day! I filled my water bottle, took a quick stop in the ladies room and made my way out! Determination setting my mood...I WAS going to do this today! It's a little about the exercise and a lot about my piece of mind. While walking and listening to my play list...I process....I think about the things in my life...what's going well, what's not. Anything decisions I'm conflicted about get worked out here...I've missed this psychologically therapeutic exercise. I've needed it. Songs that have meaning to me can help bring clearer focus to something I'm conflicted about. New people in my life can make an "old" song come alive. People who are not longer apart of my life (whether by death, moving, or ending of friendships) come to mind as I hear songs that remind me of them. I relieve good memories...good memories that can help with closure and help remove the bitterness of hurt feelings.
So, Hello old friend! Same goal as last year...I think we're off to a good start as I finished in 47 minutes. Only...can we do without the broken foot next year?
Thanks for taking time out of your busy, hectic lives to read a little bit into mine. I'm always grateful for the feedback from you Dear Reader.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Conflict Resolutions
Sometimes, no matter how you try, conflict resolution just isn't possible. We all enter conflicts believing WE are right and WE have all the facts....but the old adage says there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. We bring into our conflicts our own emotional baggage and preconceived notions. And unless we have a true understanding of what our emotional baggage is...we'll never see our part in the conflict.
I'm certainly not saying I don't have emotional baggage...my goodness...I think mine might sink the Titanic. But I'm very aware of my emotional baggage. I'm aware of my constant feeling of being left out, not being a part of the group. Isn't this a major step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? The need to belong? I'm also over analytical to a fault....perhaps some of my blog helps illustrate that point. I'm also a very, very serious person. I simply don't know how to loosen up....it comes with carrying all that baggage. And there is so much, much more...but I digress.
Because we go into conflict ready to battle, ready to change another person's mind...we tend to forget that maybe our mind needs to be changed...sometimes....there just is no middle ground. Each side has viable facts, viable feelings, viable concerns. It's in the mature relationships that each party can accept proper responsibility for their actions and promise to take care that it doesn't happen again. When that can't happen...sometimes, the relationship is irrevocably broken. Friendship destroyed, never to be regained. Sometimes it's easier to swim with the current than to fight against it...against what will never change.
Unfortunately, I think that's happened in my life very recently...when you remove all evidence that someone existed in your life (or when you realize someone has removed evidence of your existence)...it's a sad moment...sad for everyone involved. No pictures, no emails, no cell phone numbers, no gifts, no facebook, nothing. Sometimes that is the only way you can move on and begin to work on improving yourself.
Dear Reader, you've been following me through some interesting times in the last few years. I am for ever grateful that you allow me into to your world for even just a little bit...this is my therapy.
I'm certainly not saying I don't have emotional baggage...my goodness...I think mine might sink the Titanic. But I'm very aware of my emotional baggage. I'm aware of my constant feeling of being left out, not being a part of the group. Isn't this a major step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? The need to belong? I'm also over analytical to a fault....perhaps some of my blog helps illustrate that point. I'm also a very, very serious person. I simply don't know how to loosen up....it comes with carrying all that baggage. And there is so much, much more...but I digress.
Because we go into conflict ready to battle, ready to change another person's mind...we tend to forget that maybe our mind needs to be changed...sometimes....there just is no middle ground. Each side has viable facts, viable feelings, viable concerns. It's in the mature relationships that each party can accept proper responsibility for their actions and promise to take care that it doesn't happen again. When that can't happen...sometimes, the relationship is irrevocably broken. Friendship destroyed, never to be regained. Sometimes it's easier to swim with the current than to fight against it...against what will never change.
Unfortunately, I think that's happened in my life very recently...when you remove all evidence that someone existed in your life (or when you realize someone has removed evidence of your existence)...it's a sad moment...sad for everyone involved. No pictures, no emails, no cell phone numbers, no gifts, no facebook, nothing. Sometimes that is the only way you can move on and begin to work on improving yourself.
Dear Reader, you've been following me through some interesting times in the last few years. I am for ever grateful that you allow me into to your world for even just a little bit...this is my therapy.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Dedication
Music plays a large role in my life...it always has and always will. Every song has a meaning. Every rhythm speaks to your psyche. I love to share my passion for music with others. I love for them to hear what I'm hearing...to feel what I'm feeling...to experience something together. Joy, laughter, hurt, sorrow, anger, love.....it's part of what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. Feelings and sharing.....a combination that makes our world seem a little closer.
As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day. It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling. Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal. If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album. Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen. Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.
I hope you can hear what I hear. I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message. I hope you see that this is a healing album for me. I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect. That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life. I see some things so much more clearly. I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me. I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.
Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.
As you may have surmised, dear reader, the last few months I've had some bumps and bruises....and just about the time that I finally started putting a stop to the madness...my boys got me the latest Adele CD for Mother's Day. It's become an anthem of sorts for me....there so much feeling. Her voices is so soulful and brings me to a place where I can just think, process, and deal. If I could dedicate one album to you (and there are definitely some songs meant for particular people who may or may not be reading my blog) I would dedicate this album. Even if you don't like soulful, thought provoking music...just listen. Take a moment, sit back...close your eyes and listen.
I hope you can hear what I hear. I hope those of you that know me more intimately can really hear my message. I hope you see that this is a healing album for me. I've let go of a lot of stuff over the last few weeks...I took a step back from a few things...and have had time to reflect. That reflection has brought calmness and clarity to my life. I see some things so much more clearly. I see where I've hurt myself....and where I've allowed others to hurt me. I hope those that know me on a personal level have seen this change.
Dear Reader, if you do anything for me this year....listen to this album. As always, thank you for reading.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Cosmic Meanderings
Nearly half the year of 2011 is over Dear Reader. Odd numbered years aren't typically good for me (see an earlier post)....and so far, this one isn't looking much better. I have had so many downs...and so few ups. I've had so many revelations and some eye opening moments. As we are bearing down on the half way mark, I've realized that I have surrounded myself with a few good people and a few toxic people...and I have to ask myself why??? Why am I allowing the toxic people to take precedence and the good people to take a back burner???
I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth. I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything. I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I am innately good. But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble. They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!! EVER!!!! Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality. They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.
I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that. Or rather, I used to feel that way. I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility. (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't want to think the world revolves around me. I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises. I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love.
It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly. It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly. Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles.
You love deeply, dear reader! Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply. When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you. You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled. Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.
I think the answer comes in my lack of self-worth. I have self-confidence...I know I can accomplish most anything. I know I have self-esteem...I know that I am not a bad person. I know that I am innately good. But somehow...I find myself dealing with people who are self-centered and cannot see beyond their bubble. They surround themselves with people who allow them to remain in their bubble...we must not EVER burst their bubble!!! EVER!!!! Bursting their bubble, holding a mirror up to their faces...forces them to come to terms with reality...they cannot handle reality. They will crumble inside of themselves because they are not strong enough...they are never strong enough...to deal with reality.
I think that I ultimately don't believe that I deserve better than that. Or rather, I used to feel that way. I'm so very tired of having conflict with other people and I am the only one who accepts responsibility. (I can offer examples if you'd like...I've kept the emails, chats and kept journal entries.) I don't want to live in a bubble. I don't want to think the world revolves around me. I don't want to think the creation in my head is reality. I want reality..with all of it's bumps and bruises. I want to feel every disappointment, every hurt, every tear, every laughter, every smile and every moment of love.
It's when these people start attacking those that I love, that I turn ugly. It's when these people starting blaming those that I love, that I turn ugly. Ugly solves nothing...I'm struggling (although not entirely successful) to not turn ugly in this war of words, war of wits, and war of bubbles.
You love deeply, dear reader! Whether that love is intimate love, friend love, or just love...it is still held deeply. When that love is destroyed because the other side cannot see their part in the pain....it's sad. It can cripple you. You are measured more by what happens after you are crippled. Let's hope I'm doing the right thing, dear reader.
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